Coping with my mum's behaviour

[lingle]

I love my mum, and she loves me and my kids but sometimes she makes me so angry. I go cold and hard with her when she reels off her litany of criticisms. She did the school walk with me yesterday and according to her there were no fewer than 19 ways that the children nearly died over the space of a mile (that's if you count all the dark hints as well as more explicit statements like "he nearly ran under the train" (he didn't))

She had breast cancer last year and was very brave about it. When she tells the truth about her worries (which are for her health, whether she is loved, whether she will bond with my second child whom she hasn't got to know) then I see a reasonable person I can sympathise with. And she also felt that I was very supportive about the cancer.

But it's so rare that she is honest: usually she just picks and picks and picks saying things like "if anything happens you'll never forgive yourself" and other gems. She is petulant with my 2-year-old because he hasn't bonded with her (she was ill of course...). It's like living in a house with two toddlers when she visits - one aged 2, one aged 70.

I talked to my MIL - who is great, and a model of good MIL manners - about it and her view is that my mum is not going to change now and I have to adapt.

I want so much for her to be happy - my whole childhood and adolescent was dominated by the fear of her overwhelming unhappiness. My brothers have great difficulty forming relationships because all they can think of is whether she will approve/whether the girl is like her/whether she will be happy. Her dominance has distorted their lives.
My first child makes her happy and I love the way that her behaviour doesn't bother him. He goes to stay with her and my dad on his own and they have a nice time together.

But her behaviour to adults is so, so, so hard to tolerate. My husband and friends (whom she regularly phones after I made the mistake of giving her two of their numbers!) also think she is intolerable. But I'm not pround of my inability to cope with it. What can I do. I love her and hate her at the same time. Thank goodness I have sons....

My dad did the dark hints too...overwhelmingly depressing...someone 'up there' had it in for us apparently

Perhaps its better that you don't spend time round her? Would you want your ds growing up having this depressing view of life?

Well, the strange thing is, it doesn't seem to affect DS1 at all! He's 5 and thinks she's wonderful! she's like a different person with him.

I think it's one of life's consolation prizes that grandparents don't seem to mess up their grandchildren. My MIL was very screwed up by her parents and notices with astonishment how her kids weren't affected by them....

Are you aware of the Stately Homes thread?

No I wasn't; looks v interesting, thank you.

I may see you posting then...you'll see I'm a regular

Btw, your comment 'I'm not proud of my inability to cope with it'...you should not have to cope with your mums behaviour. No one has a right to treat you like a child, or undermine you or control you, even your mother...in fact especially not your mother. Could you imagine doing that to your ds's? And the impact it would have on them when they look to you as a role model for later life? What message would it send to them? That you don't trust them, that you don't believe in them, that you don't want them to have a independant life away from you...your mothers behaviour is not helpful, you can see the impact she has had on your brothers life...what impact is she having/had on you?