Should we rekindle after divorce, or is it unfair on our boys?

[ThisAquaCritic]

I posted on aibu but maybe it’s better suited on here.

I need some perspective because the guilt is starting to eat me alive. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 4 years. We have two boys (14 and 11). The divorce itself was incredibly amicable we split everything 50/50 without any arguments, I kept the marital home, and he eventually bought his own place. Honestly, our parenting and our general relationship improved massively after we split. We realised we had just run our course and were making each other miserable with constant arguing never in agreement with one another, always wanting to one up eachother but we managed to remain good friends.

Fast forward to last September. The boys were staying at his house and had gone to sleep. He called me at about 11pm and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a film it was "our" favourite film, and he said he was feeling nostalgic. I went over, one drink led to another and we ended up having sex. I snuck out before the kids woke up. We discussed it and said oh it was just one time thing and joked ‘for old times sake’
Since September, this has become a regular thing. Almost every week, we’ve been sneaking around, sleeping together, and even going on secret "dates" when the kids are occupied or at my parents or his parents, or parties just any excuse for us to see each other .

The turning point happened recently: he told me he loves me and that he never actually stopped loving me. I still love him too very much the divorce was quite hard on both of us neither of us wanted to but all so neither of us was willing to maybe try counselling.

Now I am panicking. The kids know we are friends, but they have no idea about this. I feel incredibly guilty and like this is deeply unfair to them if it all goes wrong again if we chose to rekindle which wouod just confuse them. We divorced for a reason we used to argue constantly and it felt totally broken. I have no idea how to navigate this or if I'm being completely unfair to our boys by entertaining this.

At Easter we took the boys on holiday, we didn’t share a room because we didn’t want to confuse our children but most nights we did spend together anyway. He will be taking the boys on holiday just him but he wants me to join even tho everything is already been booked I can join later etc but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m not sure any of this is. We are already sneaking around.

Maybe we just wait till our youngest us an adult to rekindle things. We both regret divorcing.

You've mentioned your ex working on himself and having counselling, but what about you? You say you were an angry and stubborn person. I get that you experienced the grief of losing your DD, but did you get any therapy? If you're serious about doing this then I think it would be a good idea to get some couples counselling first, to understand if you have both changed and can deal with decisions and issues in a more mature way than silences or arguments. Surely the wellbeing of your boys, and yourselves, is worth a bit of groundwork before taking such a monumental step?

@ThisAquaCritic

I don’t think I’m a toxic person in general I think I had quite tough circumstances and didn’t know how to work through them at the time.

I think it must have been on the other thread that you described some toxic behaviours, over minor domestic issues. My point was to question whether it was your personality/tendency to do those things in general, just with him, or in response to a stressful situation. You said he's done a lot of work on himself, but have you? It takes two to tango, etc.

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter, I didn't know that was going on at the same time. So your children lost a sibling and their parents separated around the same time? I do think this adds another layer of complexity and possibly trauma to the situation if you do decide to reconcile officially.

I'm going to agree with everyone else and suggest you get some therapy to talk through what you actually want.

It seems the kids already know that the two of you are getting on well, why not carry on as you are but without the sneaking around, ie, don't live together

Kids can be very practical. Whether you are dating or not won't affect them too much, however moving in together then out again would affect them.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your child and I think that it makes things somewhat different when you view your divorce.

While I’m sure this tragic event wasn’t the only reason for the break up (and you would have to feel very confident that the other things have either been worked on or gone) it puts a huge strain on a relationship, which few people have the misfortune to go through and understand. I can very easily see how a break up occurred in such circumstances and you were frustrated and irritated by one another despite still loving each other.

i think it’s fine for you and your husband to try again, the love sounds like it is still there, but perhaps go to a relationship counsellor together to talk through past and potential issues before announcing it to the children. Relationship Counselling could also help you navigate how to address this with your children.

Im not usually one to automatically recommend counselling but it seems appropriate here.

good luck op.

I would really recommend Imago Therapy. https://www.imagouk.co.uk/ I did an Imago workshop with my exH and even though our relationship didn’t work, I could totally see how with the right person and mutual commitment it could be wonderfully beneficial.

I personally love this and think your kids are old enough to understand it's a shot in the dark.. if they were younger I'd be more weary. Whatever happens they have a good relationship with both parents. Hope it works out.

Hes had counselling and youve addressed your anger and you love each other.. id go for it. And if youre worried why not tell your parents first and consider their advice?