Am I overreacting to my husband mocking me to his family?

[ForMellowTiger]

First time posting so please bear with me!

I don’t know if I’m being ridiculous so looking for some advice.

Been with DH 15 years, very normal relationship. 2 young kids, both pull our weight around the house so no issues there.

He does have a problem with telling lies about me to his family and I feel like I’m being made to seem dramatic? He will always blame the fact we’re seeing my family as the reason we can’t see his. Doesn’t matter if we’re genuinely busy doing something else, he’ll still say we’re seeing my family.

Then on holiday a couple of years ago, I was sending pictures from his phone to mine (with his permission) and he’d left it open on a conversation with his sibling. He was saying I was ruining the holiday, forced us back to the hotel room and wouldn’t let them out without me and was generally being painful. None of it was true, I had a minor cold that I took paracetamol for. Caused a massive argument and he had no real reason for it.

Now there’s this new lie for the last year. For context I had our second child last year who was insanely clingy and has never slept. On days DH would do hobby until 10/11pm a night, I’d cook me and my eldest a simple healthy, dinner. A couple of times the next day he ate some left over, sent a picture to his family group chat saying how disgusting it was, the horrible white people food he has to eat. Because he’s a fucking idiot, he forgot his messages are liked to the iPad, so I saw them while playing games with my eldest. Basically I’ve seen his do this a few times, all his family have a running joke about how shit of a partner I am and I can’t feed him properly. To the point that whenever we have meals with them at theirs they make comments like “isn’t it funny how much DH eats when he’s with us, it’s like he’s never been fed before. Do you cook for him at home?” And then they’ll giggle amongst themselves in their own language. And if they come to ours he’ll tell them to bring their own food because all I can cook is “fucking white people food”.

They didn’t know I’ve seen the messages, I didn’t say anything because I was very hormonal postpartum and didn’t know if I was being crazy. But I’m very much myself now and again saw some of these messages the other day and when I confronted partner it was made out as banter and I couldn’t take a joke. But I don’t think having private jokes that put your partner down and making snide comments you think they don’t understand is banter, I think it’s nasty.

Am I being crazy? It feels insane to get this worked up over a bloody dinner! Sorry if it’s long, didn’t want to drip feed!

He's an absolute racist shit and his family are just as bad. You deserve so much better.

I would never cook a meal again for someone who was so unpleasant. Does he ever cook for you?

But he is like that - he just hides that part of himself from his friends and mostly from you. This isn't want love is, is it? He's downright rude about you, unsupportive, disrespectful and I go as far as to say, he doesn't seem to like you very much.

How exactly is this going to play out as the children get old, what 'disgusting' white things will he find about them to criticise - imagine inserting another ethnicity into how he speaks about 'white people's food' - he's disgusting.

He does actually. He probably cooks 3 nights and I do the other 4. Not to excuse his actions but I couldn’t fault him around the house.

We’re both fairly good cooks. My family invites themself round for dinner and co workers at my previous job used to ask me to bring in lunch because they liked my food so I’m assuming I make nice food?! I also don’t get the “white people food” when I mostly cook Italian but hey ho

Shitty behaviour.

Something has happened that it's become beneficial to him to neg you to his family.
A weird dynamic has developed where he's actively chosen to put you down to please them, rather than stick up for you as his wife and life partner.

Did they object to you getting together?

As an example, my mum loves it when I occasionally moan about my ILs. Its tempting to play up to that because she's deeply insecure and mardy and it makes her happy.

He's fucking you over to gain their approval. They are all horrible.

I might be going in a tangent there so if I’m wrong, please ignore. I’m assuming you’re white and he is of another race.

Ive noticed he is making a lot of comment about ‘white food’ to his family as if it was something awful.
im Wonderimg if there isn’t, in his family, the idea that white people aren’t nice, don’t cook nice foods, do things in weird ways. That his parents didn’t want him to marry you. It’s just not the done thing.
So he is presenting a front to them (like look at all these awful things) whilst living a completely different life with you.

Its assuming he doesn’t lie other than with his family.

And it’s not a good enough reason for him to behave like that.

I might be going in a tangent there so if I’m wrong, please ignore. I’m assuming you’re white and he is of another race.

Ive noticed he is making a lot of comment about ‘white food’ to his family as if it was something awful.
im Wonderimg if there isn’t, in his family, the idea that white people aren’t nice, don’t cook nice foods, do things in weird ways. That his parents didn’t want him to marry you. It’s just not the done thing.
So he is presenting a front to them (like look at all these awful things) whilst living a completely different life with you.

Its assuming he doesn’t lie other than with his family.

And it’s not a good enough reason for him to behave like that.

From what you have said in your post, it seems as if he is attempting to turn his family against you, by mocking you, tarnishing your reputation and he is using some kind of mind control to make you doubt your self.

Gaslighting

It could be a form of coercive control, he is destroying your relationship and it seems like the connection you may have both had with each other is becoming weaker by his horrendous attitude to you which is not just toxic, it is corrosive.

You need to speak to him, you are not happy and no one can blame you but change will need to happen and that is up to you and him.

You could try asking him why he is disrespecting you, and keep the answer private if you want whilst you decide what the next course of action will be.

I strongly advise you to communicate with him as his attitude is concerning and soul destroying.

Italian food would be “white people food” if your husband were from an Afro-Caribbean background, Chinese, Indian, etc you get my drift? They probably mean European but as they are racist they use White people food as it makes them sound clever (to themselves).

I wouldnt out uo with that. It’s really, really far away from “normal”.

Personally I go rpund to see his Mum and tell her everything. About his lies, about his lack of respect, about how the family makes you feel.

I’d go and cry and shame them. This is not how families are meant to operate.

And your children will witness this treatment of you as they get older. And if you have sons they will see this as a normal model for how they can treat their wives. If you have daughters they will see it as a model for how they can expect their own husbands to treat them.

If I couldnt fix it, I’d kick him out and send him back to his family.

PS if you are currently a SAHM - get yourself a job asap

Yeah I do 100% agree with this. Because he never used to do this, it’s only happened over the last few years.

Nope no objections from his family, in fact before I had my eldest we got on really well. Since having her me & MIL don’t really get on. Cultural for them, they’d have the grandchildren full time while the parents work, where as obviously that’s not really how it works here. I don’t particularly enjoy being away from my children so there’s not much babysitting, and I won’t lie I am very uptight about certain things. I don’t think anything extreme but things like they go to bed at x time where as cultural they let children stay up until they fall asleep, even if it’s 11pm at night.

I did ask MIL to have eldest one day a week when I went back to work when we still got on, but she couldn’t accommodate it with her work, which wasn’t a problem. So it’s not like I ever left her out. But she’d disregard everything I said when she did babysit so I feel like maybe a dynamic of her knowing best and me being uptight has formed and that’s why he’s started doing this?

Because before all this his mum used to moan and moan at him for dragging his feet on proposing and how much she wanted us to be married!

I do agree with this too.

I don’t want to be too outing but they’re from an Asian country, but not one that’s known for particularly nice food. Obviously they prefer their food, and I wouldn’t expect any different. But he’s more than welcome to cook whatever food he wants and chooses not too.

Yeah absolutely, didn’t even think of that to be honest 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hmm...would you say that if when you weren't around his flirting with women and getting their numbers?

Both are about a lack of respect. One is cheating but the other is somehow acceptable because..?

This
you need to be quick with responses back to him and his family, let them know your not putting up with their disrespect towards you. If they get offended just say " oh its only banter" like he has said to you.

If you cant do this for whatever reason maybe consider separation at least as this will not stop and will afect your children in the long run.

me too. You are not overreacting . It’s not your hormones. It’s him.

Next time they make that "isn't it funny comment" call them out on it.

Say he's probably eating his feelings and that it can't be nice having his family disrespecting his wife on the Whatsapp and having to join in. He must feel conflicted. In fact, maybe you could stop that joke now. It isn't even funny. It's just mean and upsetting.

Ime they never tell their own family the truth. When I threw dh out he obviously gave them a load of bs...until bil rang me and got the actual truth..

I'd be full on. His lies are not just blatant and weird they're not even one offs. He manages to make one last for a year

"If you ever EVER lie to your family about me or put be down to them again, this marriage is over"

And then I'd want a full conversation about what on earth is behind him doing this. I'd want him to recognise how deeply weird it is (at best).

As for what will the children grow up like, no absolutely they won’t grow up thinking that’s acceptable. 1. Because I wouldn’t let them & 2. Because DH isn’t like that with us at all or with any of his friends.

You wouldn't know. You only found out by accident both times with DH and stuff like this is insidious, unless you are planning never to let the children out of your sight? You are fooling yourself by pretending you are in a normal relationship. You aren't.

I agree with first pp, he's a horrible nasty man.

I'd want to challenge him on that, and the racist attitudes. It's profoundly disrespectful.

I agree with previous poster -his family don’t approve of his wife being a different nationality, or he is embarrassed about it so is behaving in this cackhanded way. It’s not good - perhaps nail him about it when you’re visiting them. They need to know the truth - that they have produced a knobhead son

They are all toxic, I wouldn't be putting up with any of their vile comments, no matter how absolutely brilliant he is at anything else, I'd throw his crap out, his behaviour would make me sick,

You're married to a racist with a racist family.

He’s racist, vulgar and disrespectful. I would worry about my children growing up around him and his family.