Desperate for baby (1st) - how do I persuade DH?

[SusieMc]

I'm 30+, happily married and generally pretty content with my lot...but over the last six-twelve months I've become increasing keen to start a family. I've always been a baby person...and DH and I agreed we would like to have a family before deciding to get married last year. I think about having a baby every single day - I guess I obsess. But I try really hard not to pressure DH. I know he doesn't react well to being backed into a corner and feeling under pressure about things, so I try to be considerate about that. Trouble is that I think over the time, I've actually been heavily suppressing my own feelings to protect his. I'm just so scared that when i pluck up the courage to tell him I want to start 'trying' for a baby, that he'll say no... I get the impression it's never the right time for him. Like having a family is something off in the middle distance but never getting any closer.
My DH is a darling - sweet, smart, thoughtful; not perfect but then neither am I.
So I was just wondering...how do I tell him that I really don't want to talk about having a child any more, I want to get down to actually conceiving one!

talk to him!

the fact you are "scared" to ask suggests this is something you may want more than him, or am i way off?

the facts are there are no GOOD times to TTC, some times are better than others

it may take you months or you may get PG the first month you try

it is a bit of a leap into the unknown TBH, and some men and women are afraid of that

a child can feel a bit abstract until you are actually holding them in your arms!

Ok, I was in a similar situation about 3 years ago. Dh would go on and on about wanting children but there never seemed to be a good time for him.

In the end I came clean with him about how I felt (I was early 30s and worrying that time was getting along), and said that I would like us to start trying in the New Year - this was in about the middle of the year. The way I saw it, it gave him 6 months to get his head round the idea.

Anyway, he agreed that this would be a good idea (I also stressed that we might not conceive quickly so it could be a good while before I actually got pregnant) and the time scale didn't seem to scary for him . When it came nearer the time I reminded him what we'd agreed but otherwise I didn't go on about it.

Ds was born 18 months ago! I got pregnant after 2 months so actually the whole thing happened much more quickly than even I was expecting . It worked for me and my reluctant-to-commit dh, I think it would be worth you and your dp having a similar honest conversation. Good luck!

Thanks ladies - I will talk to him. We're on holiday next week so I'm planning on doing so when we're out of the work-eat-sleep rut of our usual daily grind! (Poor DH thinks he's off for a relaxing break!?)

Ruby Slippers - I don't knnow that I'm more keen than he is to be honest. We have spoken about children in the past and I know that he does want them. I suspect where we differ is that I want them know (I'm VERY family focussed) and he wants them 'sometime (He's very career focussed. He will be a totally commited father - I'm not at all worried about that - I just need to get him to bin the bloody condoms!

Bookthief - Your story gives me hope! I think I will take time to explain the time it could take to conceive etc (though I have raised this once before and we have friends in that desperate state now) so I think he is slowly coming to grips with this.

I guess, I just don't want to be faced with a stream of excuses on why it's not the best time...he is a stronger debater than me...I just want him to say, 'yes - let's go for it'.

lots of babies are conceived on holidays

My story:
Was in a very similar situation to you - got to the point where I didn't want to wait any longer...

So, I picked a moment when we were cuddled up and very simply told DP that I wanted to stop using condoms & let nature take its course - see how it goes.
He said he needed to think about it for a few days (which I let him do in peace without re-broaching the subject), then said ok.

We were both very shocked when I had a positive pregnancy test 3 weeks later (!!), as we assumed it would take a little longer than that, and therefore took us both a bit of time to get used to the idea.
He's absolutely thrilled though and really looking forward to being a dad. ;-)

Hope things work out as well for you.

Actually, that could be a good way to phrase it -- talk about your friends and how they are desperately TTC and you don't want to get like that, so maybe you should bin the condoms and see how it goes "and then, in a year or so, if nothing's happened, we can start getting more serious about TTC". Low-pressure and not TTC so much as not trying to avoid.

Just say exactly what you've said here and see what he says.

To be honest, I'd avoid talking about "getting serious about it" at all - if he's unsure about timing, that might make him feel more negatively about it all.

Also try not to make it a big long discussion - this is quite a big thing you're asking of him, and he'll probably need time to think it through himself. Making it into a "big discussion" could make him feel more pressurised?
(My experience is "pressure" generally results in "negative")

Anyhow - good luck!

Hi ladies...nickname change but it's still me - SusieMc!

I just wanted to update you...I bottled out of telling DH how I felt about wanting a baby...and then low and behold, last nigth he asked me when i thought we should start a family! Just as well we were in bed ior I think I would have fainted!!

I told him I didn't want to wait and there was probably never a perfect time...he said "you're probably right"! He went to sleep shortly after..I tossed and turned for several hours in utter disbelief! So...I think we may well give this conception lark a whirl. I am SO happy!

I feel so pleased with myself for not pressuring him, and so much happier that he has come to this 'place' himself. He says he is as daunted as he is excited about the prospect of parenthood - which I suppose is a good thing given the level of responsibility involved.

Anyway...thanks for all your kind words of encouragement!

x

ooh good luck SusieMc! You sound like me a few years ago. I was very keen to start TTC and had to gently persuade DH who I think would have happily kept on putting it off. I got pregnant the first night we tried which took us by surprise a bit. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I think that helped DH to realise that he really did want a baby, and he was keener than me to start TTC again. A few years later we now have two little boys!

I am keen for a third, but DH not so keen. Will have to work on it I think......