Blindsided by ex introducing a new partner to the kids

[Buggy241]

Looking for some advice on co-parenting boundaries. My ex (divorced due to his infidelity) recently introduced his new girlfriend and her kids to our children. I was given absolutely no warning and found out directly from our youngest. I didn't even know he had a partner and he was on dating apps in February so it's very recent.

I am struggling with the lack of respect and communication. It also seems the kids felt they had to keep it a secret from me at first, which I hate. I know his private life is his own, but I feel a simple heads-up was a matter of common decency so I could support the kids properly. I won't go into how inappropriate it is to be already introducing your new partner to young children less than 5 months into a relationship plus introducing the kids to each other as well.

The kids say she is nice which is a good thing, and I am focusing on their emotional well-being by not questioning them and keeping a brave face. However, I am personally going through a rough patch and feeling quite overwhelmed by this. Not only due to the lack of common decency it shows but still being the single one obviously opens up wounds that I would have preferred to have handled without my kids being there.

How do you establish communication boundaries with an ex who ignores basic courtesy without becoming completely absorbed in fury?

How old are the kids and how long have you been divorced?

You can't. You can't tell him what to communicate with you and when.

You're also expecting respect and common decency from someone you divorced over his infidelity. He is going to be the same man as your ex husband as he was as your husband, albeit not under your roof.

His basic courtesy and your fury are two separate issues, address them as such. This is a very long game, sounds like the kids are still quite little.

Bite your lip, nod and smile, don't try and change him or expect more from him, because it's as likely now as it was while you were married. Keep communication business like, in business hours via email, or text if more urgent. And about childcare arrangements only. It'll get easier with time.

Your ideas of basic courtesy and respect are clearly different to his. He is allowed to do what he thinks best when he has his children with him. It might not be what you would choose, but you have absolutely no say in it. Best rise above it and make no comment. Your fury is something for you to deal with.

Our kids are 8 and 6 and we discussed in mediation and agreed that we would tell each other in advance of introducing new partners so it feels another gut punch when I thought we were at least on the same page about this one. And yes, I know I shouldn't expect better from him, but you know when you just hope that maybe one time he'll be decent about stuff.

It puts you in the stable role now though and kids need stability more than anything. I'd imagine she is first in a long line so just concentrate on the kiddies and how to get them through his shitshow. Men can be selfish bastards

I’m petty and would refer to her as his girlfriend.

Sadly, you can't force him to communicate such information to you. Yes, it's common courtesy, simply because you're the Mum to his children, and introducing a new partner to them. Unfortunately, your standards of courteousness isn't his, and he can agree to anything in mediation, but not necessarily carry it through.

Your children shouldn't feel the need to hide things like this from you, and your ex definitely shouldn't be telling them to do so either. You have to plaster on a smile, make non-committal comments and say nothing negative towards your ex or his new girlfriend.

Yes, you're allowed to feel angry, because you thought he'd abide by the 'rules' you both put in place during meditation. You now know that your ex is going to do exactly as he wants and when. Going forward, don't expect decent, courteous behaviour from your ex, because you aren't going to get it.

Frustrating, but you cannot control his behaviour.

Try to focus on your own life and make sure the DC know it’s fine to talk about the new girlfriend if they want. 💐

So sorry you are feeling this way, OP. Your kids do sound okay with it though. I know some people have some hard and fast arbitrary rules about how long you have to be with someone before you introduce them to the kids but the opposite is for one parent to hide this element of their life, which some kids find difficult once it is revealed. Also from his perspective, how well they all get along might be really important in terms of his commitment to the relationship, and it does also just get practically difficult to keep two worlds apart for a long time period.

I can see you might have lots of very complicated feelings about this but the main thing surely you that this went well for your kids. I hope you can be positive about this in front of them-they are much better off if they think everything is okay as far as you are concerned, even if it isn't really.

It’s a really difficult position OP.
my DH was always open about our relationship with his ex and was informed before the kids met me, before I stayed the night and before I moved in.
she didn’t do the same, they met numerous “mummy’s friends” that stayed the night. She introduced her now DH on video call when they were with us one night, the following weekend they met his kids, within a month they were a “wonderful blended family” which 5yrs in is working out wonderfully well 🙄
end of the day you continue to be decent and honest with both him and the DC as they see through it all in the end!

What happened with his affair partner? Assuming she never met your DC.

How would you have reacted had he told you?

Oh I'm being very positive. It's important for them that she is nice and they get on well. They are my priority.
If he'd have told me in advance then I would have found it hard, it's always going to be when it's the first new girlfriend, but I could have dealt with my feelings on my own and composed myself and got geared up for the kids.
I'm fine with him meeting someone generally, it was probably going to happen, he's the type to find someone and cling on.
His affair partner was short lived. Didn't continue physically after I found out and they lost contact eventually.

Unfortunately your mistake is expecting common decency from the man who cheated on you - he didn't put his children's needs first then and he's not now. Expect him to act like the arsehole he is and you will save yourself a lot of disappointment and anger.

It doesn't matter if he goes out with a multitude of women and you are single - you're still infinitely better off without the lying cheating sack of shite!

It's good that the girlfriend seems nice and hopefully your kids will get along well with her. You want them to be happy there and you can use that time to enjoy a social life yourself!

This isn't a battle worth fighting.
Just be neutral about it/don't make an issue of it.

I’m afraid you should never have expected common decency from a man who cheated on you while you were married. He’ll always put his penis first.

No advice but I think the other posts have summed up the situation. It really sucks but there’s nothing much you can do about it.

Thinking of you x

Thanks everyone.
I guess I do always forget about the man he is and the reasons I walked away from him. Tricky when the kids don't know (and rightly they shouldn't) and you are still covering for all the stuff he pulls so that they think hes the best dad.
Guess it just all caught me off guard and I needed the reminder of who he's is because he will put himself first and not think of the bigger picture. He was always the selfish type so thanks for reminding me of that.