Did leaving an emotionally abusive partner turn out best in the long run

[Seaofgreen]

I left my partner of 6 years as he was being emotionally abusive, giving me the silent treatment, making me feel guilty on a regular basis, falling out with me all the time and being upset with me, refused couples therapy….is this always the right decision to leave, i am 37 now will i ever meet anyone else and have more children? I feel like maybe i should have tried harder with him but my mental health was destroyed. He has so many amazing qualities and is very attractive but i just couldn’t do it anymore.
i guess i am asking has anyone gone back to an emotionally abusive partner and been happy or its worked out? Am i better off in the long run leaving, even if its so so hard right now as i still am very attached

You were right to leave. Stay away.
Are the children his?

You were right to leave.

Stay away and listen to Dr Ramani's podcast. Keep listening to it.😘😘😘💐💐💐

In answer to your thread title - yes. With bells on.

I used to dream of my life without him in it but when we broke up I was in such a state. I couldn't understand why I was so upset when I so desperately wanted to be on my own. It's part of the process of parting from an abuser - they have been fucking with your mind for however long you were with them and when that manipulation is removed it takes a while for you to return to an even keel.

I agree with the Dr Ramani recommendation and also Elizabeth Shaw, it's very helpful to see that you're not alone and to learn that their behaviour is about them, not you.

You will get there @Seaofgreen , you'll have ups and downs, please keep posting if you need or want to, there's always someone here, but keep strong, don't give him any more chances and protect yourself from any more of his harm

Yes we have 2 young children 2 and 5

Oh wow thank you so much, i have felt so so alone throughout it all and i have had so many days i have felt like i have lost everything by leaving, he feels nothing but anger for me now and says i have destroyed everything by leaving - he takes absolutely no responsibility for the reason i left. Its all my fault. I just miss him and you are right my head feels all over the place as i prayed to the universe to be strong enough to leave!

100% the correct decision, honestly.
I’ve raised four kids alone and it’s been exhausting but rewarding. Having the ex here would have been hideous, he literally drained the joy out of life.
I look back with a quiet satisfaction at how it has all turned out for the best. Zero regrets.

How could it ever NOT be “for the best”? 😕

how long have you been separated?

and he went off quietly without a fight?

It’s 25 years since I left my abuser and I don’t regret it, not for a millisecond. My child was 2 at the time. My only regret is agreeing to marry him under pressure, and not leaving sooner.

Because we have children and i loved him, its never that simple or easy. Its a big decision for me

5 months now, he is just angry, no fight for me and for us only anger and bitterness. Emotionally switched off, only messages to either have a go at me or accuse me of taking something from him or nothing at all.

Have you met someone new since who treats you well?

Having been on your other thread - i honestly think he’s had his head turned

Yes. I left my awful partner when I was 38 with two small children. I went on to meet someone else a year or so later then had another child. 10 years later my ex is still an abusive knob. No regrets!

Why do you say that? I have asked him if he has met someone new and he keeps denying it.

Basically he leapt on your saying you weren’t happy…. And at breakneck speed… the family home was sold, he has said you can’t give him what he wants and he has shown not even one jot of reconsidering.

Classic…. He has someone else

It’s time to detach. In the kindest way, it’s no longer your business if he is with someone else, and if started while you were together then even more reason to disengage. It will be hard to heal if your energy is focused in his direction - you need that energy to bring yourself back to life and build self-respect for yourself now.

Abuse can create a trauma bond, which is difficult to get free of. The cycle of abuse gives highs and lows and the intermittent reinforcement is quite addictive. Basically it messes with your brain and you crave the person who hurts you's validation and affection.

But it's not healthy love, the trauma bond is a warped dark twin.

You just need to give it time, not feed it, work on appreciating the good things in your new life, work on your boundaries and self-love so you're able to walk away if there are red flags in future relationships.
Do the Freedom Programme.
Do nice things for yourself.
Limit any contact with him.

I would try and have some counselling, I have been in your shoes and it's still very early days, I think you are at risk of going back to him . I can't remember the exact number but it takes something like 6 or 7 attempts before a victim finally leaves their abuser for good.
You have absolutely done the right thing, please do not go back and yes , I'm sure you will meet someone new but I would put that out of your mind for now and concentrate on becoming mentally stronger with rock solid boundaries.

It was the best thing I ever did but my child was not his child so I was able to detach very quickly. I grey rocked him before it had a name. I often think of him after 20+ years because he did his best to destroy me so I worry about women like you.

I did, yes. Met my second husband aged 38. I didn't have any more children (by choice, I didn't want any) and I don't think having more children should be on your agenda at all to be honest. You've got two children to raise with an angry and abusive ex, that will be challenging enough to navigate for them and for you. Having more children is really the last thing you should be focused on. But a lovely new relationship is absolutely in the cards for you. You need to heal and move on from this one before that's ever going to happen though,and for the love of god do not go back.