Please help me understand my feelings!

[idrinkwater]

I have name changed for this.

OK here goes. I have been with my DP for 9 years and have two children (eldest is from my previous relationship).

We have had a lot of problems (but who hasn't!!) during that time. My DP suffers from depressive episodes and can be struck with it for weeks at a time (I know that there are others who suffer constantly).

We bicker a lot. We differ on many things. We often have really nasty shouting matches and I sometimes get a little scared of his temper.

He hits the roof over the smallest of matters and the more calm I remain the worst he gets!!

When the row is over he sulks and tries being overly affectionate with me, basically looking for sex but I find it difficult to be 'in the mood' after being ranted at so badly. When I mention this to him he states that he was 'seeing red' and didn't mean the things he said. They still hurt my feelings though. He then gets nasty again when I refuse sex.

I never go out as he always seems to have something planned for the date I plan to go out. If I do go out he blanks me when I get in and tells me for about two days afterwards I was a state and probably got off with loads of men. I don't even get drunk!

I think I love him but I find I feel like I won't be with him in the future and when I try and seeing my future, it's with someone else. I know that I should stand by him if he suffers with depression but it's awfully difficult sometimes.

I also find myself being attractive to other men a lot, even though I'm totally faithful. Why do I do this if I love him??

I'm a bit confused TBH.

If you've bothered to read this - sorry it's so long!!!

Have you had councilling?
I really think this is a relationship that need a lot of working out, depressed or nt he is not being very nice to you and it is not good for the children.
Would he go to see someone? I think that has to be the first step, do you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life?

My OP should have read "find myself being attracted to other men" lol - not totally up my own ass!

KIMI - yes I agree it does need working out. I can't imagine he would go and see someone. I once wrote to Relate online as he started seeing someone else about 5 years ago and I couldn't cope with it when we got back together (that's another story!). Anyways I showed him the long reply and asked that we sit down and go through it together - he huffed as said it was all girls stuff so I read it on my own!

I do not see myself living like this forever, I certainly don't want to that's for sure.

You trying to take a good hard look at your situation which is difficult to do objectively. Read your post and imagine a friend was saying this about her DP. What would you think?

Depression is no excuse for controlling behaviour. I have had experience of both.

I would probably think she should get out of there as it could get worse.

It happens in a bit of cycle. He has a week or two of depression then things are good for a bit, then we'll disagree over something and he'll sink straight back into it again.

Yesterday for example I took his car for an MOT - it failed, needed two new tyres, brake pads etc.......I told him this and he flipped, shouting at me for it failing!! It's his bloody car and he drives 80 miles everyday, what does he expect!!

Is it normal to be in a relationship and fantasize about being with someone else and for a 'better life'??