Did anyone who initiated their divorce regret it?

[kakdjrvt]

I’m in the process of separating from my husband for a number of reasons but fundamentally because I’ve been unhappy for a long time and despite previous promises to change it never happened. Now that he can see I’m serious he is showing a lot of changed behaviours and has kept some of these up for a few months now which is longer than before but there is also the same pattern with other things.
The part where I’m wondering if I will regret this is that I still enjoy spending time with him and when it’s good it’s really good. I’m worried that we will separate and I’ll still be unhappy just in a different way and will regret this decision, and wondered what the experience was of others?

Most divorced women on here seem happy with their decision.

I actually still liked my ex when I started proceedings, but knew I didn't want to be in the exact same situation in 5 years' time.
When I first broached the subject of our marriage, and the fact it didn't seem to be working; his response was that he was happy.
No regrets at all.

Do you believe the change will last? If it does last would you be happy?

what do you imagine being a divorced version of you to be like? Is it realistic (or too positive/negative?) would you be happy in that version of your life?

I don’t think anyone can really tell you what to do, especially without knowing your reasons or how you feel. But if I were you they would probably be the questions I’d ask myself.
I imagine you didn’t just come to the decision of divorce with no thought though.

No.

What I regret is marrying him in the first place. We could’ve just co-parented and saved ourselves a lot of heartache and expense.

Didnt divorce but seperated and he died 2 years later. I felt very guilty/sad though I know his death was not my fault but I honestly still beleive he'd still be here had we been together. So regret it in that respect only.

If the change genuinely lasted then I think I could be happy but I really don’t think it will and I’m not sure I could cope with the heartbreak of thinking he’d change and it going back to how it used to be.
I think I’m quite realistic about what being divorced would be like, probably overly pessimistic but I also think I’d be less anxious/more at peace compared to now

Never ever regretted instigating my divorce. I regret that I waited so long to do it. And, I agree with you, OP, I doubt whether your husband's improved behaviour will last.

edited for typo

People don’t change

Haven’t regretted it for one instance. I only regret not doing it sooner.

Don’t regret it for a second but then I had zero moments of seeing change or indeed feeling ‘when it’s good it’s really good’. For me staring into the abyss of potentially never meeting someone again felt better than sticking with the status quo- mine was a gaslighting alcoholic

could you try a Tim Burton / Helena Bonham Carter set up of separate houses?? So you have space from one another?

what is it that you don’t like still, despite attempts on his part to change?

No, have never regretted it.

I was done, I feel like I really tried, but I just reached a point where I realised I could do better on my own. All sticking together would have brought was more of the same.

I am in this EXACT situation. I started a thread a few months back.
Told my husband in February that I was done after 25 years of the same repeated pattern and promises to change but always going back to how it was.

We are a good team and also when things are good they’re great but he is very emotionally avoidant and immature and i’d had enough.

Initially he was angry and I was certain it was the right decision but none of us could find a rental to move into so we’ve been stuck living in this limbo and the last 2 months he’s definitely been changing.
He says he now knows how he contributed to our relationship dynamics and is making efforts to change the things that he does that I hate.

We haven’t been intimate since February and he’s been trying sometimes to hug me. I enjoy hanging out with him but not sure if that’s just because it’s routine.
I still feel a bit numb and dead inside.
I don’t know what to do either.

Looking a the dating landscape I think, he’s a good man who loves me, we haven’t a great foundation and is now finally willing to change so I should stay and be grateful for our life together.
On the other hand I can’t get over why it’s taken me getting to this point for him to want to change after years of begging.

sorry that’s no help, but wanted to let you know there’s others in your situation. I know sometimes I feel so alone in this.

My ex left me

Looking back now it never would have worked

I got the kids 24/7 so it's been a lot of hard work

And don't forget one second think the next few years will be easy

But once it settles down life can be better

Be civil during the divorce, do not get into a petty tit for tat arguments

Keen an eye on the outcome and work through the bit between

Don't get bogged down in silly petty arguments

Let him have the TV and hopefully it will go easier

You need to know that you will be happy being alone, and if you don't know that then at least have given a lot of thought on how you can make it work.

People can change, and that is the easy part. Maintaining change is harder, and only really easy if someone is on a personal journey, genuinely enlightened. Incremental changes often achieve nothing longer term. What you should be feeling is something dynamic happening, and you are not. Your presumpiton is probably right.

The thing is, even if the changes do last you will always know that he could have changed earlier and chose not to. He chose to blithely ignore your unhappiness/frustrations for as long as possible (I’m presuming you had spoken about issues over the years).

Personally, I didn’t regret it as exH’s actions meant he didn’t truly care about me as a person, however hurtful that was to accept. Being on my own was far nicer, and now I have a DP who truly does cherish me…we won’t ever live together though, we live in two houses in the same village, my choice and it’s lovely.

Depends….are children involved and what were the “changes” you needed to see and what self reflection have you also done about whether there was any changes he needed to see from you as well?

I think this is what I can’t forgive; he only has changed when it might mean losing me/the life that makes his easy whereas when he knew I was unhappy/overwhelmed/struggling he continued and that wasn’t enough to make any changes.

No. ExH is a lovely bloke and I like him as a person a lot, but we didn't work together. Too many basic incompatibilities that we tried to work around for too many years. We get along great as coparents, and he's gone on to marry someone far better suited to him. I'm single and very content.

He's only changed a bit and continued to do this to get you to stay. Once you agree to not splitting up , give it a few months / year or two and he'll gradually get back to his usual way. It's not a sly manipulative thing, it's just the way it is.

You can't change people. Only they can change themselves by actually wanting to do it off their own accord not with a possibility of divorce hanging over them. Once that is removed, where is the motivation to maintain the changes?

I just regret not doing it sooner

Leopards don’t change their spots…

Some many will try anything to not let you go ahead with it. Most will be back to square one within a year once they have you back onside.

Never. I had no idea how I would cope as a single woman with 3 children, but I knew it couldn’t be worse. 16 years divorced now and happy and content.

Haven't regretted it for one second it was absolutely the right decision and I am so much happier now.

I was merely existing before, it's so lonely being in a crap relationship. Now I'm absolutely flourishing ✨️

Much the same experience here.

The knowing he only tried to change when it risked the status quo, not because I'd been asking for certain very reasonable things fir years was the last nail in the coffin for me.

It was amicable, mostly, and we're both happy with other partners now.