Husband secretly drinking again and I feel trapped about our marriage

[Gilmoregirl21]

Hi,
Very personal issue here, but I'm hoping outside perspective may help as I'm really struggling. I have two children, aged 1 and 8. My husband of 10 years had a drinking problem about four years ago and completely stopped and I thought we'd moved on. Earlier this week I've found out he's been secretly drinking large amounts again at night when I go to bed. This has been going on for four months apparently. What do I do? I swore if he ever hid it from me again it would be the end of the marriage. I have the boys to consider, I work part time due to child care and the cost of housing is ridiculous especially in my area. I feel trapped. I feel betrayed, I'm absolutely heartbroken. He's chosen alcohol over his family knowing what damage it would cause.
I've made him book a doctor's appointment today to discuss. Any advice, experience appreciated please. Thank you.

Leave him. My dad was an alcoholic. He made my mum's life such a misery that she turned to drink too. They are both gone now and me and my brother have to life with the effects of growing up in a totally unstable household. My children will always come first now and I don't even have alcohol in the house.

You drew your line in the sand and he’s ignored it. Time to leave.

If he doesn't stop immediately, he will lose his job and you will all be in dire straits. I had an alcoholic father. Don't give your kids such bad role models and memories. Seek support, reach out to your family for help and try to leave.

You have to end the marriage.

How that looks in practice depends on a lot of things - not least whether you are renting or have a mortgage, whether you personally have enough savings to put down a deposit on a rental and move out, whether he can be persuaded to move out (e.g. to a relative), etc.

We can all give you heaps of advice and help you through it every step of the way, but first you need to make the decision to end it.

I suggest you get a babysitter and go to some Al-Anon meetings - just listen to some of the stories other people tell to get a handle on what alcoholism really means.

It won't get better. Ever.

And now he knows you know, he has no reason to hide it. It'll get worse and he'll make it your fault.

However hard it is financially, it'll be better than exposing your children to living with this. You will probably qualify for UC and help with housing.

It's hard but it will only get harder the longer you wait.

I have experience of this .
It seems impossible but it is damaging for everyone to continue and it will not get better .
The first few years were the hardest financially but there’s benefit support while you get back on your feet .
I never regretted the decision and spent too many years wasted to get to that point . I was a shell of myself .
If he’s drinking now , he will either continue or you will enter a cycle of stop/start which will destroy your trust , self worth , security .
If he is serious about recovery , it is better that he does that away from the family and let you live in security and safety .
Theres lots of support and wise words available here.

This
you don’t need an alcoholic in your life
prioritise your children and yourself
you’ll get finances sorted but anyone choosing drink over me and my kids would be kicked out with immediate effect

You need to sit down and have a serious but loving conversation about this. He’s done 4 years sober. That’s fantastic. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Relapses happen, even to people who are really solid in their sobriety. What I’d do now would entirely depend on how ready he is to take accountability for his behaviour and sort himself out.

I know everyone says to up and leave, but I’m very grateful Dh didn’t do that to me. It took me 2 years to get sober after we first started to talk about it until I could actually do it. Being in a relationship with a recovering addict is not easy, but I wouldn’t be willing to necessarily pull the plug unless he’s unwilling to take responsibility and work on his sobriety again. It’s going to take some open lines of communication. But you only have to put up with what you want to put up with. You and the dc do come first.

I would ask him to leave the family home until he has sorted himself out. That gives you some breathing space and that way you are not saying you are ending the marriage now but it gives you time to get your ducks in a row.

People in recovery do have slips. The key is how they handle them. But only you can decide when it's happening too often.

I think it depends what his attitude is like also
if he holds his hands up and admits it, commits to help etc I think that’s different to the likes of my exh , lying and gaslighting and point blank refusing to admit his issue or doing anything about it

I think this is the best advice.
He might stop again, particularly if he gets help. But he might not have another recovery in him.
You won’t be able to think straight while you’re worrying about his next move/drink while looking after the kids.
Asking him to move you will give you the space you need. You don’t have to make the big decisions now but you do need distance from him. Best of luck, OP. Been there 🫂