Is it normal to question your life/relationship post-surgery?

[AllAdventurousWomenDo]

Had surgery last week (didn't go as planned.
Further surgery to come). Quite traumatic.
Am recovering well physically but am finding myself doing some hardcore ruminating on big life stuff.
I know better than to act on any of it (right now) but I honestly feel like changing my stressful, full time career and splitting from DP of 8 years (no DC together. We each have DC from previous relationships).
Life is short and I am not the happiest or best version of myself. Relationship is.....fine on a day to day basis. He is a good bloke but quite low effort. We get on well and enoy a lot of the same stuff and have a lot of fun together but there have always been communication problems. He is avoidant and doesn't communicate at all unless I initiate it which has in turn caused me to bottle things up which have then come out in unhealthy ways. He doesn't seem to feel or think about things very deeply in general and seems to see any emotion over and above the baseline "normal" as a character flaw. I am in no way dramatic or high maintenance btw. Just a human who sometimes gets overwhelmed dealing with work stress/teen DCs/illness/ageing parents/peri menopause as I think many of us do.

The relationship hasn't progressed in 8 years (we don't live together whilst people we know who met years after us are getting married and buying houses together (I own. He rents). I'm not even sure I want that with him if I'm honest but seeing all these other couples move past us whilst we stagnate just makes it feel like such a waste of time to me.
I think I might be too jaded and independent for a relationship full stop.
He elbowed me in the boob 4 days after surgery because I had encroached onto his side of the bed. He says it was accidental.
He's otherwise been supportive. Lots of cups of tea and giving my DC lifts to their dads while I can't drive.

Can anyone relate? Normal response to surgery or am I being bonkers and/or a bitch?

There's nothing like a health scare to sharpen your vision! One life. Don't waste it x

💐

He elbowed me in the boob 4 days after surgery because I had encroached onto his side of the bed. He says it was accidental.

But you don't believe him?

Is this normal behaviour for him?

One thing I would say about surgery is that it brings all the emotions up to the surface.
This man isn’t the one for you, you are not in love. The marriage bit wouldn’t matter but you are not enthusiastic about the relationship or your partner, which are not good signs. I’ve been with my partner nearly 6 years and he was with me before and after surgery. In those moments it made me realise how dedicated he was to me. But I felt emotional all the same and very teary due to trauma from surgery and recovery.

@category12 I had just woken up (albeit on meds) and was facing him when it happened and the movement looked quite deliberate to me. He has no previous for anything like this though. He apologised when he came downstairs.

Do you think he was lashing out due to being a “ caregiver” for a few days? I think what ever you feel on this matter must be true. some men are like this when their “ appliance” is malfunctioning :(

These are quite mundane reasons to ditch a man tbh. Have you never accidentally kneed a bloke in the balls in bed?

The house thing sounds shit and I would talk to him about it, but he has supported you after surgery and seems a decent man.

Perhaps I'm missing something but this seems like an overreaction

Have you never accidentally kneed a bloke in the balls in bed?

No. What on earth are you doing in bed? 😂

No I have never injured someone I'm sleeping next to. I'm willing to accept it was an accident. It was just quite hurtful (physically and emotionally) when I already felt so exposed and vulnerable.

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate all of your viewpoints ☕️🥐.

Personally, as he doesn't meet your needs emotionally and you don't feel like the best version of yourself with him, I'd be thinking about ending it.

Especially if there's any frisson of doubt in your mind that him hurting you was accidental

I agree with a previous poster. You don't sound like you love him. Leave. You don't need anyone's permission. You are not married. You don't have joint children. You own your own house. It can be over by the end of today.

"It can be over by the end of today."

I think this is part of the problem. After 8 years surely there should be more untangling of lives required.

A lot of this is down to me and my own contradictions. After splitting from DCs dad I was determined never to be financially dependent on a man again and I value this independence. I've created a peaceful and stable home for my DCs and have a career I never thought I could achieve.

I am cynical realistic rather than romantic yet when I see other couples who clearly adore each other to the point of wanting to make big commitments to each other in front of all their friends and family I feel so sad, envious and inadequate. I just want someone to feel that way about me.

But you don't sound as if you feel that way about him. You both have reservations. You honestly don't come across as liking him. You are in the fortunate position of being able to easily disentangle. If you want something he can't give you, why stay?

It's a relatively easy relationship to step away from. No children, no shared property. Just tell him that this relationship isn't what you want and that you are ready to move on. He may be feeling the same.

Yes. Hormones affect a lot, and I'm not talking about if you had specific surgery like a hysterectomy, which would obviously be a massive thing.
Being laid up, when normally physically very active, has made my super regular cycle go haywire-and doctors tell me that is normal, because of hormones being screwed up.
Now add to that-you might have been mentally upset (even if you didn't consciously think it, it's normal to be a bit worried about surgery).
The drugs and anaesthethic have affected you EVEN if everything had been straughtforward.
Most of us are normally busy, rushing from work to afterschool to making tea to the gym to have a drink with mates, and we don't have lots of empty, bedbound time to think and overanalyse (I wouldn't normally have time to write this!)
If you're normally quite healthy, surgery will have made you question mortality maybe, and how easily lives can change or be ruined.
And there's a societal pressure to get back to work/caring duties/being the cool friend going out.
Give yourself time-it would be strange if you had zero reaction. We used to allow a long recovery from surgery, and that let people recover mentally too.