Feel like I’m running out of time to have a second child and don’t know what to do

[FTMaz]

Me and my partner have been together for six and a half years. My son is two and a half years old. Since having my son, our relationship has not really got back on track, and more recently it's become more fractious. And whereas before we just kind of rubbed along, we're now actively arguing, don't enjoy spending time with each other. We are going to couples therapy and have spoken about the fact that we would like to try and make it work. However, I don't feel like this is a quick fix. I am nearly 37 years old and would like a second child, but I don't feel like I can bring a child into this relationship. I don't feel like I've got the time to waste if this relationship isn't going to work, and it makes me want to walk away and have another child on my own. Is this an unreasonable feeling? And what should I do?

I know I'll probably incur backlash for this but at nearly 37 years old you are not "running out of time".

My Grandmother had a child at 48. My Mother had a child at 45. There are plenty of celebrities having babies well into their 40s. I personally know 3 people that had a baby when they were 42-44.

See if your relationship can improve - then make the decision on a second baby.

💐

Don't have another child with him. I was in a similar position, and in hindsight, while I was desperate for a second child at the time, I am glad it didn't happen. My ability to move on, be financially secure, have time and headspace for a great/transformational new job, and to meet someone else would all have been much much harder or much delayed or impossible had I had another child with my ex.

I think you need to park the idea of a second child and enjoy the one you do have. Work on your relationship if you think you can save it, and then see about a second. Or if it's not salvageable then end it but I don't think immediately getting pregnant alone is the answer. That's way more about you than your current child or the future child.

And to disagree with the above. I was in complete menopause at 39. So I would say you may well be too late already. I know people don't like to hear this, but it is the case for some women.

If I couldn’t have another child due to biology I wouldn’t be devastated by this.

Would some fertility testing maybe ease your mind ?

I’d absolutely not be wasting another moment with this man
you’re not getting on so why flog a dead horse
if you then meet someone else and have another child then great but don’t use your current partner as a sperm donor just to “have another child”

Don’t break up your DS family to have another baby. If you want to break up from your DH then do it for that reason, but if you’d just be breaking up to have a baby then don’t. You don’t know if you’ll meet someone else, you shouldn’t really involve someone new in your DS life quickly anyway, and you don’t know if you’re able to have another DC. You’d be breaking up your DS life for unknowns and something that might not happen. Concentrate on your DS.

Why would you bring another child into a bad relationship? its selfish

To counter this, I wish I had two children and I’m 40 and it’s going to be really hard to meet someone else and have one while my child is still young too. I’m coparenting with a nightmare of a man but seeing as I have to do it anyway, would has been nice to have had two kids with him!

if you can handle solo parenting then drop your expectations of the relationship and have a full sibling for your child if you want. As long as he’s not abusive.

These women are the exception, not the norm. And many celebrities that have babies in their 40’s are using donor eggs. OP’s concerns are valid.

If you are really desperate for a second child in my mind it would be the sensible thing to have both children to the same man. Even if you feel the relationship is on the way out. Then let the relationship reach its conclusion and a find a way to co-parent. Leaving him, dating as a single mum to a toddler in the hope of meeting someone better who also wants to have a kid seems a riskier strategy.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum how is he as a dad?

Hi
thanks for the replies. Sorry I didn’t clarify, if I left him I wouldn’t be looking for another man to have a child with I wouldn’t do it alone, ideally adoption. I work in child protection so I am not deluded about how hard this is or the process.

i would describe him as a ‘nice fun’ dad. My son loves spending time with him, he is patient and fun but i do all the responsible parenting. He works full time and earns the majority of the household income, i work part time but going full time I would have a very decent wage.

And the grandmothers baby may not have been hers……

Would you have time to care for adopted child if working FT if they needed additional care. What about your first child, would it be fair on them to break up with their dad and then bring a likely traumatised child into their life. And I speak as an adopted person