I need the push to leave!

[namechangedxxl]

I need reassurance leaving is the right thing to do.
Been with my partner for 4 years, 2 DD’s (2&1). For the majority of the time he’s lovely - generous, great dad, loving. But the bad times are not outweighing any good. We have been living in a renovation with no end in sight (his house). It’s hard with the children and can’t seem to get much done. He can be verbally abusive when he loses his temper I.e last night. Our toddler is picking up on more things and words now so I don’t want her hearing it. He’s also a drinker at the weekends - ruining any day plans we may have normally the next day.

I had signed up with the council a little while ago when things didn’t seem to be improving so I do have access to applying for accommodation (I really don’t want to, I had my first house at 20 but a messy break up with my ex left me with very little so I feel silly now asking for help).

I will be looking to go back to work once childcare is sorted. At the moment the cost just wouldn’t outweigh a part time jobs income, and I don’t have family who could consistently help out.

My car died months ago and we have just been using his as we can manage with the one car. So I need to sort something there too.

All these things just make me think it’s easier to stay which I know isn’t right. Reassurance, gentle advice wanted please! TIA

Leaving is the right thing asap. I would pursue the council accomodation option. Sounds like you have tried with him but your children’s welfare has to be foremost concern

Well you’ve back yourself into a bit of a corner in that you’ve met this man, had 2 kids quite quickly and you are living in his house.
He is not a good man or father. If a child of 2 is picking up on his poor behaviour that’s not good.
Have you got any family support nearby?
You are clearly a very loving mum and you do not want to be raising two little girls in this home.

Well, if you need to go, then leave.

But, I wouldn’t expect a council home very quickly - most spend a long time waiting while in temporary accommodation.

You've said bad times don't outweigh the good, is that a typo.

How would you qualify for a council house if you've got somewhere to live?

You're in a tricky situation, can you talk to him, tell him your unhappy and your concerns, might he change a bit and make an effort, you can still work on your escape route. Does he care that he uses inappropriate language in front of your children? Does he drink every weekend? You don't ever do family things at the weekend?

Work is irrelevant - you can always claim Universal Credit as a single parent after you leave.

But it may be tricky to get and run a car on such a pittance of an income. Look into where the bus routes are and try to get somewhere near a bus stop. There is always Uber for emergencies and special occasions.
Don't forget you will also get maintenance from him, which is not taken into account for UC.

Regardless, you need to leave. You are not married, so have no security and no future in that house with him. Let alone it being a bad relationship with a nasty man.

If you can't get a council house, is there any way you can save or borrow the deposit for a private rental, then claim UC or housing benefit to pay the rent?

Another one saying its the right thing to leave. Sounds tough with the weekends. My ex was like this too and was impossible to look past even if some of the time things were alright.

What I found ones I left was how relived I was but was also bombarded with threats of suicide, begging, verbal abuse, so if he is already doing that, be prepared and well armed for that chapter.

So sounds like you are looking into all the right stuff too re housing and childcare. The job will come in time. Best to settle yourself and the kids the rest will come in its own time. You are entitled to help, remember that.

Thanks all. No one really IRL to talk to so found this helpful.

@Bristolandlazy she hasn’t copied anything yet but I don’t want her to be in earshot of things. Most weekends yes. Of course we do do family stuff. But often not til at least lunchtime/afternoon and after a morning solo parenting it’s just hard work once the kids are getting tired or getting late in the day so I can feel my resentment setting in.

Yep let’s blame the woman and not the man. 🙄

Someone once said to me when I was in a bad relationship and had my son, to remember this is your children’s childhood, they only get one. I did get out, however I have a 22 year old with PTSD from that relationship (which wasn’t a violent one, abusive in other ways I didn’t see till the end).

it will be tough at first and be scary, just get yourself a plan, investigate all the support open to you and look forward not back

Oh stop with this . Women often make poor decisions and choices resulting in difficult situations . I’m not saying OP has but this constant ‘ don’t blame the woman ‘ stuff is plain silly . OP sounds very sensible and level headed and will do what’s right for her family .
It’s not a surprise that men can be awful but it’s a woman’s choice often picking a wrongun to begin with and then make her life difficult when she has no escape route , no money , no friends , isolated . Sensible choices reduce the chance of poor outcomes be it by a man or woman .