Am I expecting too much from my marriage?

[Bumblebee2345]

I don’t really know if I’m looking for advice or just someone to tell me if I’m expecting too much.
I’m 34 and have been with my husband for 18 years. We have three children (16, 14 and nearly 11).
Back in March I sent my husband a message explaining that I felt lonely, disconnected and really missed affection and emotional closeness. He never replied. Things improved for a few days, then went back to normal. I brought it up again in May, and again nothing really changed.
The only affection I seem to get is if it might lead to sex. The sad thing is I’m usually the one initiating sex because I think I’m desperately trying to feel connected to him. When I really think about it, it’s not sex I’m missing at all - it’s cuddles, kisses, him wanting to be close to me without expecting anything else.
On top of that, I work two jobs, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, manage all the finances, take the kids to football, basically carry the entire mental load of the family. My husband might hoover once in a blue moon. The children don’t really help either. I know I’ve fallen into doing everything myself over the years, but now it’s become the expectation.

I have ADHD, and whenever we try to have difficult conversations, he becomes defensive and I completely shut down, so nothing ever gets resolved. I can feel myself becoming resentful and I hate that!

I used to be someone who lit up a room. Now I just feel sad, exhausted and angry most of the time. How do you know the difference between a rough patch in a long marriage and accepting less than you deserve? And if anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you take back some control of the household without everything turning into an argument?
Please be kind. I’m feeling pretty broken at the moment.

There's so much going on here.

First, you are exhausted. If you sit down together for dinner as a family, I suggest you tell everyone, in a tone that is in no way accusatory, that you are feeling very tired and run down, and have realised that you do too much and need to spread the load. Say you aren't blaming anyone, you realise you took it all on but can't keep going. Show them a list of ALL the things you do and ask the kids to pick one daily job and one or two weekly jobs from the list that they will be responsible for. Then ask your husband to make a list of any jobs he does that you may not have noticed or appreciated, and between you share out the rest of the load.

You could also ask if there are any that you do 'for' the family that they don't care about getting ditched. E.g. ironing things they don't mind left unironed. Taxi-ing them to extracurriculars they want to give up anyway. Making complicated recipes when they are just as happy with tray bakes or pasta.

Then maybe suggest to DH that you both make a small effort - a morning hug, an afterwork hug, a pre-bed or bath hug, a quick kiss on the lips before sleep, and a time - if only 5 mins, when you sit together and just catch up each day - a cold drink in the garden after work, or a bit of stargazing before bed.

It sounds like the relationship might have run its course. How long have you felt like this?

But aside from what’s going on with your husband, you really need to give the kids chores. At their ages they absolutely should be doing more. You were looking after a baby when you were 2 years older than your oldest.

In short: No, you are not expecting too much. But, if you dive into the details, you have a lot of things going on that you'd need to improve your quality of life @Bumblebee2345 .

You need to map if he is unable to give you the level of affection that you need to be happy. Sit down and talk to him about this in length.It's not a great sign that he didn't bother to respond to your text about this, but this topic is better as a heart-to-heart chat. His reactions will tell you everything you need to know. If he doesn't seem to be interested in how this all makes you feel, and just waves it aside, that's an answer too. If he is surprised to learn how much it hurts you, and is willing to take meaningful steps, grand. It is crucial you talk it out, when it's just the two of you.

The other thing is the mental load. That's a tough one. This is the never-ending fight between couples, however, it is pretty clear that you do too much. This also needs to be talked through - Distribute the weight more evenly. It's only fair. The kids are a more complex question, because as you said, you sort of ran with it and always done everything, so that's how they grew up, it's normal for them. However, they are old enough, sit down with them, be vulnerable and tell them how it was not a good choice on your end to just do it all from the start, and ask them if they think it is right for you to carry all of it - lead them into seeing sense in helping out more, rather than flat-out telling them they have to.

Good luck, these are all tough issues.

Does he have ADHD as well?

Wow - you have been with your husband since you were 16? How old was he out of curiosity?

Your husband is living in the lap of luxury - no cooking, cleaning or looking after the children??! What does he do with his time?

Yes, I agree this is a very unbalanced relationship and you are probably realising this is unfair. You do everything and he doesn't even give you a hug. It is so sad. No wonder you are resentful.

I always feel like in a relationship you should both have the same free time. Time that isn’t doing housework or chores and where you can relax.

I would recommend sitting him down and giving him an ultimatum - you are unhappy. You do everything. This is not fair. A good couple’s counsellor would be ideal, because it sounds like you both struggle with communication. As someone mentioned, it is good to see how he reacts to your struggles and be willing to work on your marriage or he simply doesn't care.

In my case, my husband and I separated for 6 months before we decided to give it another go. We went to couple’s therapy and we decided to stay together and it is much better. We understand our communication styles (he needs resolution quickly, and I react to negative emotion and need time to process). I was also able to open up about all the resentment I felt over the years doing all the housework, looking after children and never getting a break. It felt like new lease on life, and I communicate a lot more about what is troubling me and he tries to help.

I would also recommend that the teenagers help out a lot more. It is good for them too (helps them be more successful in life, see below). Mine team up and help with dinners when they are free, chopping and learning how to make certain meals (some are better than others!). I try to get them to tidy their rooms (an ongoing thing), and most are getting tested for AuDHD so I give them a little grace (it takes them ages).

Good luck OP, hope you work through all of this.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/61796354