Should I keep trying with a man whose anxiety affects texting?

[TheLobsterClub]

Ok so I met a man during a recent holiday, had a drink with him the next day while we were both still away and he said he really wanted to take me out when we got back home (he lives fairly local).

We had a few texts when we got home but I found it really frustrating as I'd ask him when he was free and he wouldn't reply for a couple of days. When he did reply he basically said sorry he's been really busy (come on mate, I work 60 hours a week and can still manage to send a text) and then the cycle repeats. He did ask me on a date at one point but it was too short notice and I already had plans.

He's then messaged last night after a couple of weeks of silence to say he's really sorry to have treated me like that but his anxiety has been really bad lately. I do suffer from depression and anxiety (and I'm autistic) myself so I do get it, but I handle mine by staying in touch with people as the silence feels like rejection.

I honestly don't mind that he has anxiety - but I'm worried this will keep happening and we'll never get a date! Do I give it up as a bad job or keep persevering...

Gosh, no, you barely know him and you’re already on here questioning yourself. Throw him back.

I suspect "anxiety" in this instance either means married, can't be arsed or playing the field.

@Platlete please point me to where I’m being desperate or hounding him down? He’s the one who suggested meeting and was the only one to suggest a day and time but I was busy?!

The quote you’ve attached was in response to someone saying go out with your mates instead.

Oh Op. just read your OP.

one drink whilst on holiday. Off handed mention of drink locally. And here you are on this thread

Exactly
Anxiety is just an excuse

@Platlete seriously what the fuck? He’s the one who wanted me to go for dinner with him when I was busy, he’s the one who said he wanted to see me asap. But nah I’m soooooo desperate that I’ve made zero effort to even suggest a day or time 🙄

Oh dear

I suspect now that he is back in real life that the reality has changed. A bit like when you befriend a couple on holidays and say you will keep in touch but realise when you get back that you have little in common other than the holiday.

Don’t keep trying.

I don’t agree that it means he’s not keen, not arsed, doesn’t like you enough, if a man likes you enough he’ll jump at the chance to see you immediately, etc.

He just can’t manage a relationship. You don’t need that in your life.

I know enough highly anxious (ND) men to know that for many of them, having a woman’s phone number and knowing she agreed to go for a drink with them is as much of a relationship as they can cope with. Their sole relational objective is not to be rejected. Once they have confirmation that rejection has not happened, the project is complete and feels satisfying.

Any further interactions risk re-introducing the possibility of rejection, so they avoid. Like you might quit a gaming session after you’d beaten a level boss, because you wanted to end the day on a high, not throw yourself into another challenge.

The expectation of communication or meeting up in person is overwhelming or too much of a demand.

Let him go, it will never be what you’re after.

Keep us posted either way!

I’m just absolutely baffled as to how I’m being seen as desperate or throwing myself at him when he’s the only one who ever suggested an actual date and time to meet…

But most people would have registered his failure to follow through on this over a period of weeks and just written him off long ago.

It's because you refer to the cycle repeating. A lot of people would have stepped away much earlier.

It's probably this bit where you say:

I'd ask him when he was free and he wouldn't reply for a couple of days. When he did reply he basically said sorry he's been really busy (come on mate, I work 60 hours a week and can still manage to send a text) and then the cycle repeats

You're perpetuating the cycle. He's not bothered and a time-waster, you keep prompting him and he keeps showing you his disinterest by vanishing - but you keep re-engaging when he pops back up again.

Just let it go.

This

And this too.
Also applies to friendships too.

This will be a fustration you can not probably tolerate.
He maybe suffering with anxiety but weather his claims are the truth, games or other woman who knows.

Life is too short for this nonsense. If he wants to be in a relationship with someone, he has to actually put some effort in and it isn’t good enough to say early on that he can’t even send a text message.

I'm autistic too @TheLobsterClub and I get why you're baffled, and seemingly want to know WTF he's up to.

It's hard for us to 'let it go' without knowing why! But, you'll never work him (or others) out and it's not worth your headspace in trying to work him out either. For your own sanity, just block him and move on.

If he's flaky and unreliable, can't be arsed to reply due to 'anxiety' now, when you're not even off the starting block, imagine what he'll be like in future!

He doesn’t have anxiety, he has a wife

It doesn’t matter why he hasn’t replied, whether he’s paralysed by anxiety, isn’t interested, or is too busy being married. He hasn’t got his act together to stay in touch by messages, far less organise and show up for a date. He’s a dead loss.

His last message was an apology. It doesn’t appear to include even the hint of suggesting getting together.

Pls stop messaging him.

OP, if you are actively dating you might want to join the on-line dating thread? It's a really friendly group of people who understand how frustrating and complicated dating can be, and you won't get all the judgemental comments you are getting on here....

As for this guy, I would honestly let him go - even if he does finally get his act together to arrange a date, his anxiety will remain an issue, and frankly you deserve better! There are other guys out there who will consider it a privilege to take you out, and won't cock you around like this one. ...

I’d love to know where those guys are! I’m trying to date but it’s exhausting… they either turn out to be liars, only after one thing, or like the last one acted like he was into me and wanted to see me again (for date number 4) until he popped up on Facebook with his new girlfriend!