Husband had an affair - advice needed! (Part 2)

[Strawberrina]

Hi All,

My previous thread has reached 1000 comments and so I'm starting a new one. Here is the link to my previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5311466-husband-had-an-affair-advice-needed?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Thank you for all your words of advice and support. I read every single one of your comments.

Curious…do you have free access to his phone and email or are you expected just to blindly trust that everything is over? Wondering as you clearly are concerned still.

Not to make you worry but there is an other thread on here where the husband restarted an affair after going on a conference. So I understand your concern. Perhaps not going is a consequence of his actions? I certainly wouldn’t be at home worrying if he had put me in that position.

I’m so sorry OP, I missed your previous thread but it must be very hard to move on from this.
Is he genuinely remorseful and staying at home to rebuild, or just wanting to carry on as usual? Was something missing in the marriage (usually sex or attention) where he was filling the void elsewhere and you can change that?
I think it’s quite unusual to be able to move on from an affair tbh but some people can. He’d need to clearly be all in on you and the family though or you’ll just feel suspicious and lack of trust kills a relationship. Sending much love.

Hi @OchreRaven I do have free access to his phones (both personal and work phones) and his email.
He went to the conference and she was there. He told me that he had a professional conversation with her about her new role etc.

How do you feel about that?

@OchreRaven I was fine with that, although I would have preferred if he didn't speak to her at all.

Hello @Strawberrina , I was on your other thread too. I am just wondering if your husband has been making an effort to show remorse and build trust or does he wants to brush it under the carpet?

I do think given the circumstances, that you should have access to his phone in order to reassure you. He should be bending over backwards to make you feel secure in your relationship. How is the rest of the relationship now - is they affection and intimacy? Does it feel genuine? Do you feel emotionally secure?

I forgot to add - he spoke with her about her plans to come back to our town and set up her own company. She confirmed that she would be doing that next year.

Hi fellow Mumsnetters!

By way of an update on my situation, the OW is coming to the town where we live the week after next and will be working in the office where husband works for one week (Monday to Friday). It's a gift that keeps on giving! Just when I thought husband and I were solid and put his infidelity behind us.

If you were solid then her being there wouldn't make a difference to your relationship. From your posts (and on the other thread) the lack of work he's done to improve your relationship makes it far from solid.

There’s no way you’re “solid”!!! He is completely unrepentant and from your previous posts it’s clear he will cheat again, there’s zero negative consequences if he does so.

Again all your focus is on the OW, you still can't grasp it's irrelevant where she is or what she's doing. The only relevant thing is what your husband is doing, he should be showing you that she's irrelevant to him too.

How do you know this? Did he tell you or did you find out from another source?

If him, how does he still know what she’s up to? Sounds like he could still be in contact with her.

Hi @OchreRaven
He told me. They share the same manager, so he found out from the manager. He's not in contact with her though.