Comparability issues later on

scalestipped · 2026-07-07T18:41:11+00:00

I’ve been with DP for around 8 years now, it has not always been rosy, but essentially we are coming to the so called more relaxed side of life (kids grown up etc). however I am having some real issues with a few things and seem to be getting nowhere. The past few years have been not so great financially (for him) he has a business that does not seem to be doing so well, but he is determined to keep plugging away. This I know has driven a wedge as I have been propping us up, which was not previously agreed, I have a decent wage but my overall finances myself have suffered because of this decision and it’s made me really angry essentially. I’ve spoken about this but get nowhere. as an aside to this - sex has become an issue. We always had a very good active sexlife before. In fact I am thinking a bit too much now, I wanted to experiment and try things, and I have enjoyed it but I feel he gets obsessed and it becomes all consuming. He thinks about it constantly and is always asking about it and it’s really started to give me the ick. I have been busy with kids who need extra support, managing life, propping up finances, working and studying and it’s not top of my list. It seems like he is not happy with just a decent sex life he wants all sorts of other things and I just don’t right now. I have tried to discuss this so many times and he just becomes defensive. We did break up around March time this year temporarily and sex was off the cards and it was so much nicer not to have be constantly thinking about what he was going to be asking. As we worked through things it came back and I’m here wishing I could go back to not doing it as there just seems to be no happy medium.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 07/07/2026 21:07

Sounds like you got so close to the point of happiness, you brought up your kids and sounds like you had a pretty good relationship up to the point his business starting to take a turn for the worst, a partnership should mean that you are there to support each other no matter what the circumstances.

If you lost your job you’d like to think he’d be selfless and support you and i would have thought you would be happy to support him if he was in a similar situation, they do say that money is the source of all evil though and personally i think a lack of it will create uncomfortable situations and it can divide.

On the subject of sex, it sounds a lot like you had it good for a lot of years and he’s struggling to understand why that’s changed, have you sat him down and discussed why you’ve gone off it, it sounds like the culprit could be related to your anger with him over the financial situation but i might be wrong. Or maybe he always wanted way more than you did, who knows.

outerspacepotato · 07/07/2026 21:20

You're at the point of life where you need to be plowing money into whatever setup you have for retirement.

Your partner's business is no longer supporting him if you're having to prop him up. He's going to have to face the reality of shitty economic times and run the numbers, it might no longer be viable. The business climate has changed and what worked 10 years ago might now be a loss. Then he'll need to be finding a job.

So you're financially stressed.

Then the sex. It sounds like he gets a sexual idea in his head and becomes coercive about it with you and he's not listening to your no. So he's become a major sex pest and obsessive about it.

That would be a relationship ender right there.

You have incompatibility in 2 major areas where many relationships fail, financial and sexual. I don't see any way around those. His business is not going to suddenly improve and he's not going to stop being a sex pest.

When you broke up and you were relieved, that should have told you right there your relationship is no longer a good one. You're done.

Original poster

scalestipped · 08/07/2026 00:33

OMGDidYouSayThat · 07/07/2026 21:07

Sounds like you got so close to the point of happiness, you brought up your kids and sounds like you had a pretty good relationship up to the point his business starting to take a turn for the worst, a partnership should mean that you are there to support each other no matter what the circumstances.

If you lost your job you’d like to think he’d be selfless and support you and i would have thought you would be happy to support him if he was in a similar situation, they do say that money is the source of all evil though and personally i think a lack of it will create uncomfortable situations and it can divide.

On the subject of sex, it sounds a lot like you had it good for a lot of years and he’s struggling to understand why that’s changed, have you sat him down and discussed why you’ve gone off it, it sounds like the culprit could be related to your anger with him over the financial situation but i might be wrong. Or maybe he always wanted way more than you did, who knows.

The kids are not joint I have 2 and he has 1. So whilst for some time we have parented together not fully as both have involved other parents.

I agree re supporting your partner, but I already did that all through covid when he had £0. And I would say out of the 8 years there has maybe only been a total of 2 reliable years money wise. However the last 2 years have been a lot worse.

if this were me I would have take on a new role by now. Our joint outgoings would be covered 50/50 if he worked somewhere even minimum wage, the issue is he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:

Original poster

scalestipped · 08/07/2026 00:34

outerspacepotato · 07/07/2026 21:20

You're at the point of life where you need to be plowing money into whatever setup you have for retirement.

Your partner's business is no longer supporting him if you're having to prop him up. He's going to have to face the reality of shitty economic times and run the numbers, it might no longer be viable. The business climate has changed and what worked 10 years ago might now be a loss. Then he'll need to be finding a job.

So you're financially stressed.

Then the sex. It sounds like he gets a sexual idea in his head and becomes coercive about it with you and he's not listening to your no. So he's become a major sex pest and obsessive about it.

That would be a relationship ender right there.

You have incompatibility in 2 major areas where many relationships fail, financial and sexual. I don't see any way around those. His business is not going to suddenly improve and he's not going to stop being a sex pest.

When you broke up and you were relieved, that should have told you right there your relationship is no longer a good one. You're done.

Edited

I agree with this and think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I am future planning and that’s being hindered by this.

and sex pest is exactly how it feels.

OP posts:

outerspacepotato · 08/07/2026 13:42

You know what you need to do then.

It's time to invest in your future. He hasn't pulled his financial weight 3/4 of the time you've been together and it's not like times are going to get better. And being with a sex pest, that's harmful to you.

FinallyHere · 08/07/2026 13:47

You have got the ick @scalestipped

financially, sexually you would be so much better off without it. No kids in common.

Have at it.

TheAmberKoala · 08/07/2026 13:59

The fact that he refuses to discuss the financial side of things is a huge red flag. Yet he seems to have plenty of time to talk about sex.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 08/07/2026 23:08

@scalestipped I totally agree with you, if i was failing to provide for my wife i would definitely find another way to earn, is he too close to his business to want to let go? Is it likely it could get better or is it a dying industry? Does he care and is he grateful that you’re picking up the bill?

3luckystars · 08/07/2026 23:11

it sounds like he is draining you in every way.

Original poster

scalestipped · 08/07/2026 23:28

TheAmberKoala · 08/07/2026 13:59

The fact that he refuses to discuss the financial side of things is a huge red flag. Yet he seems to have plenty of time to talk about sex.

Yes and this hugely winds me up as being worried about money is not a turn on!

OP posts:

Original poster

scalestipped · 08/07/2026 23:31

OMGDidYouSayThat · 08/07/2026 23:08

@scalestipped I totally agree with you, if i was failing to provide for my wife i would definitely find another way to earn, is he too close to his business to want to let go? Is it likely it could get better or is it a dying industry? Does he care and is he grateful that you’re picking up the bill?

I don’t even need him to provide for me. Just pay his share, consistently.

Honestly I think he’s just worked for himself for such a long time he doesn’t want to go employed but there comes a point you can’t keep going regardless. That point passed some time ago in my opinion. He’s also just bad with money I think.

I don’t feel like he cares and is grateful. It was not mentioned until I brought it up due to being annoyed. And then it was really a ‘well it is how it is’ sort of thing. It’s being sorted, but I’ve been hearing that for longer than I want to remember. I have had to ask for help with additional stuff round the house, whereas as if this was the other way I would be ensuring I made up for it somehow. So no I don’t feel he is grateful at all.

OP posts:

OMGDidYouSayThat · 09/07/2026 00:18

scalestipped · 08/07/2026 23:31

I don’t even need him to provide for me. Just pay his share, consistently.

Honestly I think he’s just worked for himself for such a long time he doesn’t want to go employed but there comes a point you can’t keep going regardless. That point passed some time ago in my opinion. He’s also just bad with money I think.

I don’t feel like he cares and is grateful. It was not mentioned until I brought it up due to being annoyed. And then it was really a ‘well it is how it is’ sort of thing. It’s being sorted, but I’ve been hearing that for longer than I want to remember. I have had to ask for help with additional stuff round the house, whereas as if this was the other way I would be ensuring I made up for it somehow. So no I don’t feel he is grateful at all.

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Fair enough, if there’s no gratitude then to me that shows a lack of respect for you, maybe it’s time to give him an ultimatum.