Struggling with my dad’s behaviour since he met someone new

[ForChucks]

My Mam died 5 years ago,.my Dad has never asked how I am coping never even put an arm around me. I sorted her funeral, all the legal paperwork after, set up.all.the bills, checked in on him every day, taken home to hospital.appointment, spent countless nights worrying about him.Slowly we developed a new relationship as I think all children and parents do when one of the parents die, but it's been hard as he's so wrapped up in himself.
He never calls unless there is an emergency, never asks how I am even though I've had extensive spinal surgery, then complains family and friends never call him. Never pops in even though I only live 10 miles away, for 5 years I have been careful not to show my grief in front of him, so I don't upset him. He's like this with the whole family not just me
Now at 85 , taken up with a 70 year old, we are all genuinely happy he has someone but omg has he got nasty. He doesn't think about what he's saying , if it upsets anyone it's all about him and his feelings, he turns it all around into me or Grandkids. He's behaving like a infatuated school boy, people are talking calling him a fool he doesn't care His new lady has told him to stop talking about my Mam ,stop mourning, move on, well of course she wants that, she doesn't want to hear about the woman he was married too for 60 years. He's started to run my Mam down which caused a huge argument, then as few weeks later denied he ever said such a thing ,calling me a blatant liar, even though others heard him..
I 've just left him too it, but it's the grandchildren who are finding it hard, they loved my Mam and my Dad been nasty even to them is so hurtful. He says he's seen enough of them its now his time to be happy and if he s too busy to seen them it's tough.
He was married for 60 happy years to my Mam,

Why was it left to you to sort the arrangements re your mother’s funeral. What were your dad’s reactions upon her death?.

He’s always been nasty to you and now your mother’s death and the arrival of his new woman (who seems a lot like him ie horrible) in particular has brought all that to the fore. I’d leave him to it frankly because this is who he really is. He has and continues to
let you down as a parent and I’d get bloody angry with him.

if your man’s parents are nice and importantly are emotionally healthy then I’d concentrate my resources on them rather than your self absorbed father. I would keep all future contact with him to the barest of bare minimums due to his lack of interest. You will never get his approval so stop trying but as adult you do not need this from him anyway.

My mum and dad were married 50 years and I understand the struggle but I was lucky as we grieved together.
But I saw a good friend going through something similar to you. Her dad turned very nasty and the woman was a nightmare. She moved into the family home, threw meaningful stuff out and as there was a bit of money involved, was throwing it around. I can remember my friend turning 50 and I was invited to a family meal and he was appalling. Said a few mean things about her mum during his little ‘speech’ and kept going on about how happy he was - at his own daughter’s 50th. It made her ill in the end with the stress.
My advice? Leave him to it. Yes it’s not good for your kids but you need space here. You actually need to grieve properly for your mum.
At 85, he may be having issues around cognition but he also is behaving like an idiot. And I don’t mind an age gap but this one is significant.
Your memories with your mum can never be taken from you - they are so precious, they are yours to keep.
Stop running about after him as well. Let this lady carry that if she’s so set on removing your mum’s memory.

Sounds like tiptoeing round him for years was actually a bad thing - he's so used to his emotions and wants trumping everyone else's, he feels entitled to treat family like dirt.

Not a lot you can do if he's mentally competent. Or even if he isn't.

I was left to sort my Mams funeral as my Dad said he could.not deal with it all. so I did the lot solicitors etc