Messy breakup - long post

[OPIbubblebath]

Hi I’m just looking for some advice from anyone who’s been in a similar position.

3 months ago I decided to end my relationship with my child's dad - I was somewhat unhappy for quite a while but feel like since we had our child last year things just never got any better like I thought they would and the issues remained, nothing changed despite me “having a moan” about said issues near constantly. Main issue was my child’s dad drinking excessively on a near daily basis to “alleviate” everyday stressors, any slight inconvenience or a harder than normal day at work ultimately just lead to him drinking to the point he would pass out by 8pm, sometimes he wouldn’t even come to bed he would pass out on the sofa and there was no getting him to come to bed.
Every food shop we done, his face would practically light up as soon as we approached the alcohol section, I got sick of constantly having to say I didn’t want him drinking on X day, it got to a point it was just embarrassing for me especially when it was common knowledge for both sides of our family and friends and people thought I was being a mug essentially letting him away with it despite having a huge issue with it which I was trying so hard to nip in the bud.
I tried tirelessly to communicate over the years I was with him about how I saw it as a problem and wanted him to stop or at the very least decrease it to once a week. Every time I brought this up I was stonewalled, blatantly ignored or even gaslighted to think that the drinking itself wasn’t an issue but me complaining about it all the time was. I genuinely thought after having our baby things would change in that regard but they never did, so ultimately I decided I had to end the relationship as in my mind there was just no talking to him. He showed me complete incapability of having a serious conversation or showing any empathy/emotion about anything, everything I said even in passing comments was taken as a personal attack against him and I’d get the silent treatment until I apologised. So I basically just gave up and lived a good 4 months feeling pretty much nothing but total resentment towards him, I realised this wasn’t good for me, him or our child and bit the bullet back in April. I did try to sit down and talk to him about how I felt the only option left was to call it a day and both go our own ways but again I was stonewalled and he played the defence card about how he’s leaving the house early in the morning and working hard to provide for our family so I just came right out and said I didn’t want to be with him anymore. Of course he took this badly and it came as a shock/he thought it was a sudden rash decision I’d made despite being made fully aware that I was unhappy and had my issues with certain things he was doing mainly the drinking. To put a long story short he expected me to leave our family home (mortgage in both names) with our baby and dog. I have no family who live anywhere near us and currently do not drive. By the next day he had changed his tune and left to go stay with his family, who live somewhat closer to us than mine. He has remained at his family’s home since then, we have had daily contact regarding our child but lately this has been turning into arguments - started by him - regarding how I have “used” him to have a baby then “got bored” and left him. He is constantly accusing me of leaving him for another man, which is genuinely not the case, because I coincidentally crossed paths with a guy I know from my past, who I grew up with, about a week or so prior to our breakup. I admitted at the very beginning how I had crossed paths with someone I know from my childhood but obviously I vehemently deny that I left him for this person. I have also been accused of “fucking” this person behind his back. This is also just not true. I genuinely made the decision to end things with him because I was unhappy and felt so unappreciated, unloved and unacknowledged, and resentment had crept in. I would lie in bed next to him at night and just cry because I was so overwhelmed and exhausted from dealing with our baby and dog all by myself day in day out, whilst he’d be lying there in a drunken sleepy state without a care in the world. I told him at the very beginning of the breakup exactly why I was leaving him and he seemed to acknowledge himself that he understood why I saw issues with everything he was doing and how he acted towards me overall, he agreed it was not fair or right on his part. He has been consistently begging me to take him back and work on things but I just feel no desire to do that. I feel like the longer he’s been away from me, the happier and better I feel and any feelings of love or desire that I had for him have well and truly diminished. Yes I am stressed and overwhelmed as a single parent, but I felt like a single parent even when I was with him, so really it’s no different. He has also tried to say a couple times that I have watched “too many TikTok’s” of people “glamourising single mum life” - I have told him no one sets out to be a single parent but I’d rather be a single parent than an unhappy one in a relationship where I feel twice as lonely despite sharing a bed and a home with someone. I am trying to get a private let so I can move out of our home and he can come back, he’s refusing to sell or buy me out of it. I want to leave and ultimately move on with my life, but unfortunately the housing market atm has nothing that would be suitable for myself, baby and the dog. I want to add that despite everything and the hatred he seems to have for me I have tried my absolute best to be civil and he sees our baby every weekend, he refuses to take the dog too as it’s “too much” for him to handle on his own, which basically just strengthens my basis of leaving overall, as I was left to deal with the dog and baby on my own all the time even in the relationship, and still do so now that I am on my own. I am just sick of being demonised, all because he is not getting his own way and I’m not taking him back. It’s exhausting and I am just so done now.

He's an alcoholic and would rather blame you than deal with that. Stop listening to his nonsense.

Write him sth like this. Write or they can twist it or ‘misremember’ or try to ignore or pretend they don’t understand, always redirect to what you wrote and move on, don’t endlessly repeat yourself in endless discussions and let yourself be drained by it.

You have a drinking problem, you know it deep under, but you don’t want to admit it, that’s the reason why you are defensive and won’t hear anything I say or try to find other reasons on why I left (there are none).

Your drinking problem has left me alone caring for our family and child, I tried to tell you many times i couldn’t do it anymore, but you never listened, because listening to my concerns would mean addressing your addiction. So you preferred alcohol me and your family.

As long as you ignore your problem with alcohol, nothing can be resolved, we can’t be together, you can’t be the father your child needs.

Please stop the bs and seek help. I am worried for you, but I can’t be there for someone who doesn’t want to be there for me, his child, or even himself. You can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves. That’s why I left.

There’s a lot of background noise here. Put simply he drinks too much and it’s killed the relationship. Be clear in your reasoning with him and don’t budge from it.

He is an alcoholic. He won't/ can't stop drinking until he acknowledges that he has a problem. Do not allow him to be in sole charge of your child. Sort out the finances - now. Are you married? If so, start divorce proceedings now. If not, take advice re the house and what maintenance he must pay.
I really cannot understand why you decided it was a good idea to have a baby with this man, but since you did you need to do the best you can for the child.

I could have written this myself. It also came as a ‘shock’ to my ex when I left him. It’s easier for them to blame someone or something else than look to the actual problem of their addiction. In the end it’s all noise as the person above has said. You don’t need to justify it to him, he’s not your problem anymore. You’ve been clear in your reasoning and what he chooses to do with that is up to him. Don’t keep getting dragged into conversations with him about it. It never goes anywhere and keeps you from moving on.

Yeah I am aware that for him it’s clearly easier to pass the buck and make me out to be the one in the wrong, I am not listening to it and have stated numerous times that his actions were the reason the relationship ended. I’m just tired of having the same argument when I’m trying to remain civil for the sake of our child, I’m just not sure what else I can do at this point

I have already said pretty much everything you have said here, on numerous occasions. At one point he said that if I was so concerned about his drinking being a problem I “could have spoken to his family” I did this also on numerous occasions and they always said they’d try to sit him down and speak to him but he then told me that they never did. I told him this is an issue he needs to raise with them, because at the end of the day I have tried and cannot keep living my life that way, I’m our baby’s parent not his

Yep you are bang on. That among other things eg making me feel unappreciated and like I was a single parent despite being in a relationship with him, ruined everything we had. But of course it’s easier for him to shift the blame over to me rather than actually facing the music

Yep. He seemed to have finally acknowledged that it was a problem AFTER I ended the relationship with him. Part of me feels like that was just him trying to tell me what I wanted to hear, to get his own way (eg getting me back) in turn. Classic emotional manipulation really. He will never have sole charge of our child, and we aren’t married. I’m trying to arrange an appointment with the mortgage provider as to get advice on what to do next. It’s hard because I’m currently at the end of my maternity leave and am having to claim universal credit for the time being, as financially I am not doing good at the moment (maternity pay stopped in April) and he is not really helping to provide for our child in the current circumstances. Honestly if I knew back then that things would never change and we’d be in this situation, I’d have never have decided to have the baby which is sad to say

Yes, it’s definitely easier for them to shift the blame than face up to their own actions that caused the relationship to end. I literally just want to move on with my life, I’m trying to be civil for our child’s sake and because I always said I’d never stop him seeing our child but ultimately it’s becoming harder and harder to be civil with him when he’s constantly hitting me with accusations

He’s a nasty alcoholic. The only time he lights up is when he gets access to it.
There is no reasoning with an alcoholic who is drinking.
They are often nasty, manipulative and cruel.

OP of course he will attempt to blame this on you because that is far easier than having to acknowledge his own mess and alcohoism.

Whatever you do please refrain from negotiating with him, tell him your plans, or anything that is outside your childs matter. Its non of his business what you do ow. So stop advocating for for his needs as he is does not give a toss about your needs let alone your DC needs. So if he says I will change, take me back etc, please remember this is a classic sentence used so they can gain access to their old life, as the stigma of having ruined a relationship due to drinking is way too much for the ego.

The only responsibility you have now is towards your DC, not him or his accusations. Let him think whatever he likes and stop catering to his messy life.

Your life as a single parent will be way easier than a life where you will have to constantly worry over this man drinking, the effect it WILL have on your DC if you take him back, and I promise you if you do take him back he will escalate abuse, emotional, financial, and possibly physical. It may not happen right away, but it is almost guaranteed that it will follow the alcoholics script.

I was married to one and he never changed. I took mine back and boy was that the worst I could have done. It was like acknowledgement that i was wrong and inviting further chaos into my life. Dont let a short hard separation cloud you into thinking taking him back will make your life easier, it wont.

I am sure you tried everything.
Putting it on paper can save you the effort and the emotional drain of having to repeat yourself incessantly. And it's sometimes unburdening to write it all down rather than carry it in your head.
When everything has been tried, when everything has been said, when everything is there for him to see when he decides to, the only thing left you can do is to let it go and move on.

I wish you the best for you and your child, OP

Advice would be to start a child maintenance claim

I left my XH due to his alcoholism/drinking. He had always said the only issue was with my disapproving and that he wasn't an alcoholic.

But then his 2nd wife tried to kick him out (her house) because of his drinking. At which point he wised up. He does still drink but he knows if he does it to excess she'll split up with him and therefore he's forced to control himself mostly.

You have told him why you have left. If he wants to believe it’s for another reason you can’t change his mind. Make your peace with the fact he will always blame you as he is an alcoholic and just comment about your daughter and the house. Anything else said just ignore.