Am I the problem in my relationship or am I being made to feel like I am?

[may8]

Hi!! I’ve posted on here recently about my relationship, but I can’t stop worrying that I was too biased in how I described things.
I genuinely don’t know whether I’m a bad partner. I’m sure I’m not perfect, but I get anxious and don’t want to be the reason my relationship ends.

One issue we keep having is that arguments often escalate. My boyfriend will bring up something that’s upset him, and I know I can become defensive. Instead of just listening, I’ll sometimes argue back or try to explain my perspective before he’s felt heard.
He also says that I “spin him around in circles.” Like I’ll ask for clarification because I don’t understand exactly what he means, or I’ll focus on something he’s said that I think isnt accurate rather than the overall point he’s trying to make. He says this is a manipulation tactic and that I am derailing the conversation to confuse him.

Part of why I’m so worried is because I’ve started questioning whether I’m like my mom. She can be difficult to communicate with, and there have been situations where others have become frustrated with her. My brother has brought this up with me and him and his gf are distancing themselves from her. Recently I found myself worrying that I react in the same way she does and that I am pushing people away like my bf. My bf has also said that girls often end up like their moms, and that comment has really stuck with me. I can’t stop wondering whether that’s what’s happening to me and he has been pointing it out that I am.

The problem is that I genuinely don’t know whether I’m doing these things deliberately or whether I’m just trying to understand and explain myself. I’m now questioning my own judgement.

I’m worried that I’m either Too defensive and emotionally reactive, and I’m causing these problems without realizing it, or ive become unsure of myself that I’m struggling to recognize when I’m being treated unfairly. Some fights just make me so angry with him and then he stops talking to me and tells me how I make him so unhappy and sick his energy from him. Today he’s barely texted me all day after having a talk last night. I finally felt I stood my ground and told him that what he was saying I was feeling was not my truth and his assumption. I then decided to leave hanging out with him to finish up on some work I had to do and I think this upset him and is the reason for him ignoring me today.

Has anyone been in a situation like this, either from my perspective or my boyfriend’s? How did you work out what was actually happening? I’d really appreciate honest opinions, even if you think I need to hear something difficult about myself. I know I may be anxiously attached. Anyway to make it stop!!!??

It's impossible to say without descriptions of actual incidents.

OP, kindly, literally everyone on your last thread told you to leave him. What part of that don’t you get?

If you have to think this much about everything and if you have to analyse how you act, react and live, isn’t it too difficult anyway op? Yes we end up like our mums, I believe that too, but we’re not our mums, we just have traits, and sometimes when we’re older it helps us see that our mum was only human and reacted incorrectly or sometimes it freaks us out. You are you and if you’ve reached a point in your relationship where it’s all so hard then you have to have a think. And maybe that means ye aren’t working together or maybe you both need to sort it out, but being defensive etc, that’s a trait and we all do it to some extent and it’s not totally great and we need to take a breath but also you can’t constantly beat yourself up over it, its exhausting you x

It’s impossible to say without any details, but if this is your relationship, wow, just dump him and move on as it’s a shit relationship.

If you're worried that you're behaving like your mother, who is a frustrating person to communicate with, could you ask your brother whether or not you are? I'm sure he would be honest with you.

From your previous thread your therapist flagged this could be emotional abuse.
You have been fighting with this man since day one. He’s horrible and he speaks to you terribly.
You need to be on your own for a while and concentrate on your therapy. Your opinion of yourself is all over the place and you need an anchor.
Forget turning into your mum and turn into you.
You are not right for each other all this angst will make you both ill and you can become addicted to the drama.
It is your choice - go and find some peace or sit in this shitty situation.

I understand i probably need to be alone. I just wish it couldn’t be this way because he’s been my best friend for so long. He’s been name calling and said some awful things that have really hurt me and I’m not sure what to do. I go back and forth between hating him and wanting to break up but then freaking out at the thought of us not being together anymore.

He's not your best friend. He's not even your friend.

Just leave and look into freedom programmes.

You have an attachment to this man that probably comes from your childhood/past experiences.
He’s familiar and that gives you both familiarity and validation.
But to out it bluntly, you are being abused and he doesn’t even appear to like you.
He doesn’t care that he’s hurting you.
Actually not being together anymore will hurt at first but when the freedom from abuse arrives - it’s amazing. Been there, done it, it was over two decades ago now and I can remember getting to know my adult self for the first time.
Had I stayed with him or around him it would have killed me.
You have other people who care about you, you are not alone.