AIBU to refuse my ex-husband telling me how to spend maintenance?

[TwinklePops]

My ex-Husband still tries to tell me how to spend money. Only the other day he told me to pay for something on his time with the kids because he pays me child maintenance and he feels that should cover the cost of it. He feels because of that he can tell me what I should and shouldn’t pay for with it.

AIBU to tell him no?

(I’ve had issues regarding control and post separation abuse with this man).

Just ignore him.

Tell him to jog on
He has no legal say in what you spend the money on
If its on 'his time' he pays
My ex tried this with me (before not paying a penny when I told him to fuck off-his £5 didn't go near a packet of nappies let alone everything else)
Get a case opened with the csa and tell him to jog on

Yanbu. Ignore him. He has no say, the money is there to cover housing, clothing, feeding and caring for his children, not paying for his EOW day out.

No, of course YANBU. If he has his children, he should pay for whatever he arranges for them to do on his watch.

YANBU

Of course. It's none of his business.

Honestly the cheek of some of these men!

Thank you everyone - overwhelming on the YANBU side. Sometimes you just need to hear it (this is the problem when you’ve been made to feel like 💩 by someone). Really appreciate it! ☺️

If you read the CMS stuff it explains the amount is calculated on income but then CMS is reduced for the number of nights dc are with NRP. This is why there are different bands so if dc stay overnight he has already received money off the CMS for expenses he incurs on his time. He can’t get two deductions for the same time.

My ex told my 6 year old that he won’t pay for a £5 haircut when he’s with him as ‘I give mammy money every week which she should be spending on stuff like haircuts but she spends it on rubbish for herself instead ’
he pays me £36 and quite often ‘forgets’ to pay

ignore him op

My ex occasionally asked for extra money and was told to go away as that was what the maintenance was for

Follow jessrunsforsurvivors on Facebook. She’s got great tips on how to deal with exes!!

You'd be unreasonable to even to respond to his manipulation. Only reply to messages about the children which actually need a response. Sorry your ex is a cunt OP.

It's none of his business what you spend child maintenance on. On his days he has to pay for whatever he arranged for your DC. I'd just ignore him and crack on as usual.

Don't waste your time or energy arguing what his money goes on. Literally ignore that he even asked you. Don't get dragged into any conversation as it will just frustrate you. Indifference is a wonderful thing!!

Why not keep receipts for 1 week ?send him them and ask when he's sending the shortfall. Because there will be one. Men ime have no idea how much dc cost to keep.

Why not keep receipts for 1 week ?send him them and ask when he's sending the shortfall. Because there will be one. Men ime have no idea how much dc cost to keep. I

The money is to cover costs when the dc are with you. If he has them, he has to pay. BTW, I think CMS is a woefully pitiful amount compared to the actual cost of a child. It doesn’t even cover half the costs.

I'd laugh in his face at the suggestion 😂

These men sicken me to my stomach. My exH paid me £150 a month for two DCs. He had them 2 nights a month. He’d accuse me of using his money to have nights out, buy myself clothes and get my hair done.

It amazed me that he truly believed that I could pay all expenses for £2.50 PER DAY per child, and still have enough left to treat myself! It didn’t even cover a quarter of the After-School Club bill, never mind anything towards housing them, food, clothes, transportation, etc.

For a man who was utterly shit with money during our marriage, he suddenly thought he was Martin bloody Lewis. 🙄

Thanks so much again everyone! I’ve tried to explain that his CMS already takes into account deductions for his time, but he feels he has to pay too much CM (I have 3 kids and he is a higher earner) and as a result will only have them the absolute minimum number of nights for his bracket! He asked to have them “extra” the other week…which turned out to be me needing to take time off work later in the year to “have them that time back” It wouldn’t have changed a thing, he could’ve had those two extra days and enjoyed the time…honestly!!
I do appreciate everyone’s time to comment. I feel more certain in my refusal now. I pay for all the additional costs for my kids, clubs, uniforms, trips…he even tried to make me pay for their school lunches on his days…even though they don’t have school dinners every day anyway. The control has been taken away on a number of things so this is his only way to try and have some control I think. But I feel happy refusing. Thanks all x

I think the issue here though is i’m not asking him to pay, even though it’s his time. Sometimes the kids can’t do everything, that’s life. What the point is here - is him telling me to pay for it. That’s not his place. If you don’t have any additional arrangements in place for extra costs outside of CM then that’s your personal arrangements but the Government guidance is quite clear that CM is for LIVING costs. I don’t think extra curricular is necessary for LIFE…so these in an ideal world should be an agreement outside of CM…or they don’t do it. But no parent should be telling the other how to spend money…

Don't bother engaging with him again on this. He's either thick as shit - or hoping to gaslight & bully you out of what you're due.

I doubt very much there's anything you can say that will be a light bulb moment that actually it's not unfair for him to pay child maintenance.

It's a waste of your breath and energy.