Struggling with DP's decision to cut contact with his family - please help if you can.

[foothesnoo]

I would really like some advice.

My DP has always had a difficult relationship with his parents. When I met him he was in sporadic contact with them. As our relationship progressed he built bridges with them and they have been quite involved in our lives, visiting their grandchildren regularly and even going on holiday with us on occasion. I have had a good relationship with them, especially his mother who does treat me like a daughter, but they are not easy to be with. His father is a controlling bully who has been violent to his mother. His mother is a victim but also quite manipulative (I hope that doesn?t sound too harsh).

Last year DP had a breakdown and we have come through a really hard 12 months and out the other side. DP has come to the realisation that his relationship with his parents has never been healthy and in fact is destructive to his own mental health. He has cut contact with them for the last 12 months and feels that this is a good thing for him. He has also more or less cut contact with his siblings who he sees as not supporting him. This means that our children have lost contact with their grandparents and also their cousins on that side of the family.

I am struggling with it all. I want to support DP and I think he has both the right and the justification to cut his parents out of his life. But I feel really sad about it ? I know it will be hard for his mum particularly not to see our kids. And I feel for his siblings , one of whom has not been in a place where she can be supportive, even if she had wanted to.

How can I balance loyalty to DP, the needs of my kids and DP?s need not to have his family in his life anymore? How can I step back and think this is not my issue to solve, it?s DP?s choice? I have been mediating their relationship for years.

My DH has no contact with his brother, which means my DC have no contact with their cousins which I find inexplicable and sad. However, this is his issue, and I think with your Dp you need to separate the strands of this.

DP's decision not to see his parents is his and his alone. I would also see the fact that your DC don't see their aunts, uncles and cousins any more as sad, but inevitable in this situation. However, your in-laws (and particularly from what you say your DP's mum) loss of their grandchildren is a bigger issue. Is there any way your DP would be happy for you to arrange for his mum to see the DCs without seeing him? Separately from his dad / on neutral territory if that's easier for all concerned?

My DP doesn't speak to his dad and sister now. His mum died when he was 14 and his dad showed no support to him focusing on his older sister instead which lead to a very bad relationship between DP and his dad. Things came to a head a couple of years ago and FIL told DP that he had stopped being his dad when he turned 16 which I found terrible and could understand why DP wanted to cut contact after that. If we did end up in the same social situation DP would still try with his father but the final straw was when DS2 was stillborn before Christmas and FIL didn't even acknowledge that he had another grandson or come to the funeral. This lead to a huge argument with his sister, who being the peace loving spirit that she is, just wanted DP to forgive and forget which he can't do.

So, while it saddens me that DP isn't close to any of his family i can understand and support his choice for this. To begin with I didn't want it to affect DS1 but after an incident were FIL walked passed DS1 without even saying hello to him i decided that it was probably for the best.

Thanks Bramshott. I could possibly arrange to see the grandparents with the kids, but I worry that

• DP would think this was disloyalty.

• we would have to explain to the kids that DP does not want to see his parents and be prepared for the inevitable questions. At the moment they haven't really noticed.

• I would put myself in the firing line re: questions about why dp doesn't want contact/ what they can do to change the situation/ why I can't persuade him

I think you need to negotiate with your DP for the right of the children to see their grandparents. He doesn't have to be present, but his issues are his problem and he doesn#t have the right to make them everyone else#s problem.

I would talk to your dp and ask for his permission for you to visit/spend time with MIL without him. I don't think my dc notice that I take them to see PIL/MIL more often without DH around - simply because I am the SAHM and Daddy is at work and we can pop around after school etc.

I am fairly estranged from my parents for my own sanity but if they lived locally and someone else was prepared to take my dc to visit them I would be happy for them to do it.

I think I have done doing dp a disservice if I have suggested that he would block visits actually. I don't think he would. It's just such a horrid position to be in. My MIL doesn't really understand what is at the root of it all and I know would want me to explain things to her. And I don't feel it's my place to do that.

I just think you need to have an open and frank discussion with dp about it and ensure that he is okay for you continue having some contact with his family, that way you are supporting him and his decision IYSWIM. YOu can see your MIL and if she brings the subject up just state "that topic is not up for discussion lets just enjoy spending time together" etc

Agree with madamez. And I think your DP should explain to his mum what the issues are - just a letter if neccessary - so that you can see her without having to speak for your DP.

How old are your DC foothesnoo? You might well find that they just accept the situation as it is and don't ask awkward questions. I agree with Cargirl and others - make it clear to your MIL that your DP's issues are not yours to discuss.

If your partner's parents have not really noticed that their son has not made contact for the the last year then that also says a lot about them. TBH they don't sound like very nice people to be around, particularly the Dad. Why expose your children to such influence?.

If your partner's Mother does not realise by now exactly what the issues are then she likely never will and will likely also react badly to any attempt to discuss the past and why what happened did. If your partner wants an apology for what happened and for them to accept some accountability for their action s he may well be disappointed. There are often stock answers used in response.

I can quite understand why your partner chose to cut his parents off if they have behaved as they did as well as his siblings (but they would have had a different experience of childhood to him so their perceptions are different).

I would not entirely let his Mother off the hook either; she sounds like a bystander and may not have done anything within the family to curb her husband's behaviour. She's still with him isn't she?. Your partner, her son, may well think she put her husband before their children. If he bullied her he likely bullied them into submission too.

Your first loyalty is to your partner and if you would like your children to see their female grandparent (not her husband due to his past violence and such people rarely change) on neutral ground (certainly NOT in their home) then you will need to talk to him about that first and see what his reaction is.

On a wider level he may find reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward helpful as well. You may also find it helpful.

You cannot and should not mediate in their parent/son relationship; this all runs way too deep and it will not work.

The actions of your dp's parents from childhood onwards will have led to this, noone breaks up from family for the fun of it. They can feel sad about lack of contact with gc, but their behaviour led to this happening.

As for you dp, his mental health comes first so he can be there for you and most importantly your dc. And yes, its fine to feel sad about it all, but he really needs you to understand and validate his experiences.

Its a long road...but hopefully a healthier one than he was on. And if he wants to join our Stately Homes thread...we have no men on at the moment...

Is your husband happier since cutting contact with them?

This is the part of the OP that stands out the most for me:

"Last year DP had a breakdown and we have come through a really hard 12 months and out the other side. DP has come to the realisation that his relationship with his parents has never been healthy and in fact is destructive to his own mental health."

I think your children will benefit far more from having a Dad in good mental health than they will from seeing your dp's parents.

I think sometimes mothers (ie your MIL) tend to be in denial over things that happened to their children while growing up. I suspect your MIL knows the reasons already but tries to pretend they never happened. Your dp is trying to deal with his problems but can't do that while he has his mother denying that his past happened and his violent father is still in the picture.

I'd step back from it. You said that you've been mediating their relationship for years. Now he's made the decision to cut contact I think you need to respect that.

If you want the children to see them, I'd think about how it's going to be. You said yourself that your DP's mother will ask you to explain why he doesn't want contact. I can't see how you could avoid getting dragged into it by a woman you've said is 'manipulative'.

Even if you manage to get her to accept that you will not be involved in her relationship/lack of relationship with her son, what about your children? Will she be filling them with, "Be kind to your mother, because it's so sad when children hurt their parents" etc. And do you really want your children to be around a man that's 'a controlling bully'.

I'd leave it for now. I hope your DP can get access to counselling- it can really help people come to terms with issues like this if they find the right professional help. When he feels stronger he may initiate contact with one or more of his siblings, but even if he doesn't, it's much more important for your children to have a happy healthy father than to have contact with their cousins.

Due to many things, including the effect on my mental health, I have no contact with my mother and sister (still in good, happy contact with Dad (they are divorced and remarried) and brothers.

My mother comes into the category of 'toxic', and I choose not to let my children have contact with her. They have other loving grandparents, and do not need that in their lives.

I can't speak into your situation as I just don't know what the best thing is in your circumstances. ButI think my kids are better off NOT having a relationship with a section of my family who would do them no good at all.

Really helpful stuff here.

To answer some points;

Atilla - sorry you misunderstood, his parents have of course noticed and there has been some discussion of the issues but no real acceptance of them. the violence is a dirty secret in the family - we all know it happened in the past but the real turning point was finding out there was an incident as little as a year ago.

You are very perceptive in that I think DP feels noone helped him when he was younger, certainly not his mother which is why I feel I have to be completely solid in my support for him and, as Ally90 says, validate his experiences.

I would never now leave my children on their own with the I-laws, so in effect I would still be mediating their relationship. However DP's mother has a good relationship with my children, she is very loving and attentive grandparent, whatever her shortcomings as a mother. I think any contact with them would have to have groundrules attached to it.

More - my dp is definitely happier without contact from his parents but I wonder whether that is because he has not really dealt with it - they have left it to him to initiate contact now and are not the sort of people to turn up on our doorstep. DP is really conflicted about what he is doing and vacillates between 'never again' and 'I could meet my mum to explain how I feel'.

I would recommend you "just" being there for your husband then. The best thing you can do is listen, listen and listen to him, even if he repeats himself.

If you can afford it then he could maybe go see a professional about it.

I think you need to stop focusing on that aspect of him cutting contact with him, and start focusing on the children now gaining a happier dad and you gaining a happier husband. Try to focus on the good things that come out of his decision, and not all the what ifs.

I don't understand why you want your children to be in contact with a man that hits women (children) and a woman that lets him??

Hard question More.

I pity them both really. MIL because she was never able to leave FIL. They have a traditional relationship. She has never really had a job. She had PND for a long tiem when DP was young. Reasons not excuses. FIL because he is a product of a violent childhood. He has acknowledged how wrong his behaviour to DP was when he was a child

I also think that in many ways my friendship has been good for MIL in that she sees me as someone who is not scared of FIL and I have helped her to stand up to him. As I said in my previous post MIL is a loving grandmother and my kids are very precious to her, I know.

They are both old. I think they can't change, any more than they have already. I can perhaps find a way for my dcs to have a realtionship with them which enriches everyone and damages noone. I don't know.

DP has many happy memories from his childhood as well as the bad stuff. It's complicated.

Hi foothesnoo,

re your comment:-
"DP is really conflicted about what he is doing and vacillates between 'never again' and 'I could meet my mum to explain how I feel".

I would suggest that your DP finds a counsellor to work with to work through all this otherwise he could go around in circles for many more years. BACP are good.

As I mentioned earlier he may not get the response he wants. It can be seen as an attack on them. These people normally have stock answers for any perceived criticism that comes their way and more often than not they are happy to give a shortlist of shortcomings to the person asking "awkward" questions. He's nowhere near ready to confront them either.

I would also add that if there has been no real acceptance of the issues on his parents part then I would say that they not ready and or able to ever accept their responsibility for their own actions.

They may be old now but age is really no excuse. Toxic parents do not necessarily mellow with age.

It will be nigh on impossible for your DC's to have a relationship with them that enriches everyone and damages no-one. There are too many elephants in the room for a start.

I think you need to examine carefully the reasons as to exactly why you want your DC's to have contact with these people as your partner's parents' let him down very badly as a child. Do you think its somehow expected by society?.

Atila he's seeing a counsellor now.

You're right I need to look at why I think it's a good thing that they have contact with PIL. Off the top of my head:

• they are family and it's important to have those roots
• I think my MIL has a good relationship with them and she is a lovely GP even if she did let my DP down as a mother
• I don't believe that this relationship will damage my children in any way
• I think that even if DP cannot have a relationship with them the fact that his children have could be healing in some way (for him)and keep a door open (for him)to help him come to terms with what has happened

I totally agree they let him down badly as a child. But does that mean they lose their grandchildren as well as their son? None of us can change the past.

I am beginning to think though that no contact is the only option.

Dittany I really don't think I am on their side. I would have no problem telling them why I won't leave my kids on my own with them. But this bit really did hit home

"I don't think you should judge these people on the nice maybe helpful relationship that you have with them, but rather on the relationship the vulnerable child your DP was being brought up by them."

More I have just seen your other thread - so I see you have experience of this in your own life.

My DH doesn't have contact with his brother after many years of conrolling and abusive behaviour from his brother. I am really sad that my children don't get to see their cousins party because they're the only cousins they've got (my sister doesn't have kids yet ) and they are very similar ages (DSD 2 years older than BIL's eldest, DD1 9 months older than BIL's second, and DD2 5 months older than BIL's third).

But it's his decision and I have to support him in it as his mental health and well being comes before our childrens' relationships with their cousins.

You sound so loving and considerate.

Although I agree with Atilla, I also know from experience that holding a grudge does you no good when you loose a parent and it can backfire.

Maybe no contact is just right for you DH right now. He needs to go through the whole process of cutting ties (symbolically finally standing up to them) and processing his anger. Let his inner child heal and mature.
Support him by validating his feelings and remaining distant.

However, at some point, DH should understand that he is now a grown man and let things be.
They won't change. He knows. They know he knows. He can not save his mother from this relationship. She won't get out.

It does not seem like a dramatically abusive situation. It's a common pattern of emotional violence that is seen in many families.
Often an outsider helps improve things. You say you have noticed that you have sometimes helped your MIL stand up to FIL. that's great. And they are better with their grand children than they were with your DH. that's also good.

In the end it's up to your DO to decide where this is going. I just think helping him mature along the way is fine. That's what you seem enclined to do. I would do just the same.
Better try and build some bridges, even with weak foundations.
It's just so sad and so much harder having to deal with regrets and unspoken words the day they are gone.