What to do for the best

[49andabit]

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. My friend (ex) but stayed friends is struggling with low mood at the moment and is generally unhappy with life in general. We still go out occasionally and went out Saturday even though he “pre-warned” me he was quite down atm. I was fine with it as I have suffered with MDD in the past. We had a good night on Saturday and he messaged me yesterday to say he’s not in a good place atm and doesn’t want to drag me into it. He said “Im just not very happy right now and not fair to drag you into it. It was nice we went for a walk and saw some music, which I really enjoyed the day”
I replied saying don’t worry things will get better and asked him if he went out yesterday as planned. He hasn’t replied which is unusual. I am now wondering was that his way of saying he doesn’t want to speak etc atm?

Yes it sounds like he was asking for some space. Maybe give it a few days and then message him saying you won't be offended if he doesn't reply but that you are there for him if he needs anything. Then leave the ball in his court for him to contact you when he's ready.

@whippersnapper55 thank you for replying. I wasn’t sure if I’d said anything wrong to him I did joke he hadn’t checked I was home and he said “im really sorry I didn’t ask you” then I got the rest of the message. It’s happened in the past he just cuts me off for months. I don’t deal with “loss” well and I’m feeling quite anxious today. I’m going to try my best to not make me feel it’s something I’ve said or done x

I mean he just needs a little space. He knows you are there if you need him.

Side note, it might be that he has met a woman and that’s why he is pushing you away btw. Lots of women wouldn’t be comfortable with their partner being pally with their ex.

Men usually pull the “woe is me” when there’s a new woman around.

But if the moods are normal for him then it’s probably just a low ebb.

Are you over the breakup?
Do you think he is breadcrumbing you?

I think with this friendship you will have to accept that the communication is stifled.
It can feel like rejection but at least he’s been clear he needs a bit of space. When you are in a bad place you often get to the stage where you just don’t anyone else around, sadly.
You haven’t done anything wrong. In fact you are a wonderful friend.
Time for you to invest in other friendships with people whose company is a bit easier on you, too.

@Sodthesystem I don’t think there is as I think he would tell me. we broke up 4 years ago .

@havingoneofthosedays if I’m honest then I would say no I’m not even after 4 years. He’s usually very direct and we have had a few fall outs since but he is extremely down atm probably the worst I’ve known.

@PetulaGordeno i think you are right I need to look after myself rather than other peoples moods affect me like they do. I just feel rubbish today wondering what I did wrong

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing.
You are just being a prisoner to your own thoughts.
I follow a great psychiatrist on Instagram called Dr Amen and he’s fantastic. He said in one reel….
Stop listening to all the idiotic things your brain is telling you.
Personally, I don’t think your connection to this man is bringing anything to your world. He isn’t just a friend he’s an ex which makes it so complicated.
It would be very tough but I think your own mental health would improve without him. His moods are holding you hostage, and it’s not fair on you.
You will never move on and to be quite frank if his mental health has been like this for a long time it’s not changing either.

Perhaps use this as a wake-up call. You can't get over him and move on with your life when you're communicating with and hanging out with him. How do you see that friendship working if a new dating prospect for you came along, He could be a terrific partner for you, yet he could make a quick exit once he knows you're hanging around with an ex.

And the ex doesn't meet your ideal of what a friend should be. I've let friendships go when I felt their lack of effort meant i was no longer a priority as far as being a true friend. And he's actually not a friend to you in the true sense, since you never got over him. In your shoes, I'd tell him that for your own good, so you can have closure and move on, that the friendship needs to end.

Oh poppet I’ve been where you are, this isn’t a friendship, he’s an ex and understandably you are hanging on. Rip off the plaster and go no contact, will feel bad initially but you will get there.

Well I mean it’s a bit harsh to guess op is too invested. It’s perfectly ok to be friends with your ex. And perfectly understandable to worry when they tell you they are struggling.

But yes, this is an opportunity to consider if you’re a little too enmeshed in his life. If the boundaries are a little blurred because of your history. Maybe be recognises that himself and so, is asking for space.

Thank you all. It’s just so hard I’ve just blocked his FB we weren’t friends as I removed him a couple years ago and he refused to re add me. I’ve deleted his number even tho I know it so I am not tempted to reach out. Tomorrow’s another day eh

Take it a day at a time.
Helping someone and being their saviour can become like a drug in itself. It’s not healthy.
He may not notice anything for a while as he’s gone into his own head.
We can all help a good friend but this amount of angst and the pain it causes you it’s not good for you. Depressed people can be very selfish and not think about how their condition affects others.
After four years he isn’t making progress.

@PetulaGordeno He broke up four years ago when I was suffering with bad depression made much worse by perimenopause I had therapy medications and private psychiatrist that cost me a fortune to help me get better. I am 90% there but I feel like it pushes me back every time and I’m thinking maybe it is time to finally cut the cord.