how does a couple split up?

[sparkybabe]

I have not been happy for some time - been married for 16 years, 3 dc - and feeling that life is passing by without my noticing. DH is a great guy, sensitive, thoughtful, intelligent, good job etc, but I don't 'love' him any more, don't fancy him and don't really want to be in a couple with him any more. There isnt anyone else, but I feel that I dont want to 'explain' myself to anyone - if I want to just take off to Dublin/Rome/the local pub then I don't want to have to giv a run-down of what I did, who I saw, what I said and when I left. He is obviously hurt, and has been trying to make it 'right' for a few months now, giving me freedom to go out, taking us all on holiday etc. But now he is talking about moving out. How does this happen? We both love the house and garden, and it's the DC's home. - even if we could sell it at the mo. But I don't see the point of him renting a flat (about £750-£800 a month round here) - I did suggest he move into one of the kids rooms, (they would double up quite happily) so he could still enjoy the house/garden/cooking/washing and see the dc every day. But he said it was just 'waiting for the axe (?) to fall' and won't consider it.
How do other people split? Is it a matter of him going down to nothing? After all we've worked for, it seems unfair that he leaves with nothing and we (me and the dc) have everything.

I knew my opinion would not be shared by all, as many people agree with the poster who thinks that no one should put some one else's happiness before their own.

I do not think life is as simple as that.

Sparky I don't blame you for feeling as you do - I understand your desire for freedom. And if you take your freedom, there are many who would applaud you. But if your freedom comes at the cost of your husband's and children's unhappiness and material detriment, would you not feel even slightly responsible?

Lots of people can and do disregard their marriage vows when they become difficult to keep, believing that their own happiness is paramount and that their children can't be happy with a less than fulfilled parent. The grass is always greener on the other side.

My mother went through a difficult phase of her marriage, but she came out the other side. No marriage is perfect, and they say that a large proportion of divorcees regret making that break.

If you want to travel, can you not arrange some sort of sabbatical from your marriage and go to Timbuktoo or wherever for an agreed length of time. Maybe you will come back refreshed and ready to settle.

Sparky- all I can say is that I know how you feel but I have had 10 more years in the marriage than you- I don't know the answer. I ave out my children 1st for 25 years- I am not married to my soul mate and at times feel we have no connection. I have had other opportunities with men, but have never taken them because of the children. I feel I am being untrue to myself and my DH.

I cannot bear the idea of no more family Xmas's etc etc- but neither can I think of going on like this for another 20 years.

in you position- which I do see clearly- I would expect to sell the family home and find somewhere smaller for each person, and I would have to work full time and try to get back into my career, instead of having the option of working p/t.

If he does move into a spare/children's room- how long will that last for? I can see he thinks it is just delaying the inevitable, and it could still be upsetting for your kids. If you really want out, then I think you have to be prepared to downsize and face the reality of that- at the moment you want the best of all worlds- the family home, but your DH effectively "sleeping on the sofa" whilst you do whatever you want- is that fair?

I have asked him if he would consider going into the spare room, so that he can see the dc every evening, and still be part of their lives but not a part of our 'couple', but he won't. I've asked if he wants to move out, but we can't sell the house (lose too much money) and he'll have all the disadvantages (council tax, no money) without the benefits (cooking, washing, shopping etc). The latest thing is that... I was invited to a party tonight- 40th birthday of a friend of a freind, and when I told him, he went off into one. Told me that I was being unreasonable (I've never been to any company parties -every xmas that's another I don't need a little black dress for!) and that if I was committed to being a 'couple' he would have no problem with me going out. (yeah right) Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that he's right, a quick break is the best, so I'm considering leaving. I can stay at a friend's, and go 'home' first thing, so that he can go to work, I can do breakfasts and lunchboxes, stay at 'home in the day doing shopping, cleaning, cooking ect, and leave again at 7 pm when he gets home. He can see the dc in the evening, I will see them in the day, taking and collecting from school and suchlike.

My Q is; am I giving up my 'rights' to the,m? By leaving the family home, am I relinquishing my rights to it? I don't care, I would like a flat of my own, but I really really can't give up my dc.

All I can say is that I would never leave my dc. even if it was the best thing. Don;t do it SP, try and work it out.

Don't be rash, get some legal advice before you think about moving out. You may well put yourself in a less strong position legally if you leave the family home.

You are being quite one-sided in your view on this though: if your dh does not want to end your marriage, it would be incredibly painful for him to live in the spare room, some sort of emasculated sham in the house on sufferance? I'm pretty sure that's how it would make me feel, were I to be in his shoes.

You have to accept that getting the freedom you want means breaking up the family home, and you will both lose quite a lot. Whether you will gain as much as you lose in the long term is something only you can decide. But be fair to him.

Gosh SP - Thats some "friend" you are considering staying with.The shine may wear off that arrangement fairly quickly for both of you when the reality of being an indefinite lodger hits home.

Have you considered looking for paid employment? You or your husband may then be able to afford a flat without things being such a financial squeeze. Maybe it would even change the dynamic of your relationship enough to make you reconsider the split. You do sound more bored than anything else.