Am I tolerant or not tolerant enough

[jerseyroyalsandbutter]

I’m 60F , been with my partner 3yrs M65. We live separately about a mile apart. Both mortgage free and he’s been comfortably retired for a couple of years.
I have a very busy work life that pays well but is very very stressful and commute five days a week , long hours . Another couple of years and then I can reduce day to four days once my pension feels more achievable ( had to start again post divorce in my forties)

I really struggle with the stress and responsibility of my job and am exhausted. I dread going in, unfortunately it’s the same nationwide in my profession, moving would bring more stress and longer commute.

The plan is we will move in together and make a life except it just feels like lip service. I love him and moving in together would make a massive difference in that it would release some equity from my house and I could afford to drop a few days . The new house / bills would be funded 50/50 .
However he’s in no hurry , he’s enjoying life, playing golf, lay ins etc since his redundancy package two years ago.

Its making me resentful in that I feel like a service provider , in that I provide transport ( he can’t drive as a result of a medical condition) , supermarket trips, sex but everything is on his terms.
One of my days off is a Sunday , the other is a week day. He plays golf every week on my day off , which leaves precious Sundays ( I’m often too tired in week to meet, I need to be in bed by 9pm )
Today he has his grown up nephew over , a few jolly surface level text updates but no invite to join them at any point.
They are watching F1 and then staying up for the England game. Understandable , I get it . I’d have loved to do that but need to be ‘on it’ tomorrow , too much at stake to lose concentration.
Tues is my day off this week, he’s in a golf competition. I don’t doubt that he loves me , he tells me every day but his actions just don’t match his words .
Am I being over sensitive , it’s not his job to make my life any easier , we’re not married, just engaged.
sorry it’s so long , it all just came pouring out .

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He's 65 and enjoying his retirement.

I suspect you are knackered and burnt out and a bit envious of his situation, which is understandable.

So you get two days off a week, he gets seven but he doesn't prioritise seeing you?

And you have to drive him to the supermarket on one of these two days off because he can't organise a delivery on one of his seven free days?

How often do you see him and how often do you have fun with him?

Can you not rest on one day and see him on the other?

Start charging him for the "services" you provide and you will be able to cut down your days to 4.

Doesn't sound like he contributes anything positive to your life.

Do you mean he chooses to play golf every week on the one week day you have off? I would be mightily pissed off with this and would think he was a piss taking cheeky fucker.

I would stop driving him anywhere. He can arrange a taxi and do online food shopping. You will resent him less if you stop putting yourself out for him.

I understand why you're feeling resentful - he is enjoying life in retirement and you're still doing a highly stressful tiring job. But I don't think he's actually doing anything wrong by not being in a rush to move in together. Your financial situation isn't his fault or his responsibility. If you're feeling resentful of having to take him here and there by car, then stop doing it - it's not your responsibility and he can get the bus, train or taxi or shop online.

Have you actually sat him down and had a conversation about how you're feeling? Because I think it's always best to be honest rather than let resentment build up.

I think you’re right. I am all
of the above. But it does make me resentful that he doesn’t care enough to make my life easier, I thought him asking me to marry him meant I meant something to him. But I think it just means he gets a sex fix, a girlfriend with a car and company when there’s no golf to play or sport to watch on the TV .
It makes me feel sad and worthless , like I’m an appliance that makes his life better, but gives very little back .

Sounds like it's all take and no give on his side. This combined with the mismatch in lifestyle, no wonder you feel resentful.

I just wonder OP if you might be better off putting him on the back burner a bit and concentrating on your own life, the stress you're under, how unhappy work is making you and think about you and ways to make your life better now.

Can you make savings, downsize alone, reduce your hours???

As an outsider it's pretty hard to see what's in the relationship for you. It sounds like a lot of hard work and not much companionship or equal contribution towards a happy life together.

If you move in with him you might be a bit better of financially but will be his driver full time and sitting around whilst he watches sport on telly.

What would happen if you made other arrangements on a Sunday ? Would he be bothered?

I think only seeing him once, maybe twice a week is not a good basis to move in/get married.
Is there any chance you could downsize your property to allow you to be a bit more flexible with work?
Also if you move into his place what happens if he becomes ill, needs care, or dies? Have you discussed this?
I think I'd be prioritizing my work/home life balance first - i think if you marry and move in together you'll become even more resentful of his retirement.

Sit him down and tell him exactly what you’ve written above. Do it! Until you air some of your grievances he’s lying back taking all the positives….but they are not positives for you…

A boyfriend is for making your life easier and fun, that's the entire point of a relationship. This man chooses not to, but is happy to use you for transport etc.

Keep your financial and housing independence and give this man as much as he gives you.

Sorry, but I don’t think he’s really into you and you’re just a handy distraction for when it suits him. I think if you move in with him, you’ll be an absolute fool.

Booking his golf in on my days off so I can ferry him to and from it would irritate the life out of me. Medical condition or not, it's rude and assumative that your free time is to be used for his hobbies.

It does sound like you are providing useful wife like services and he's more than happy with that. You're not married and it seems like it's going to stay that way, unless it suits him otherwise. He may be keeping you on the back burner should he need nursing services in the future. Stop being so available and get your own schedule rather than building your life around his. He doesn't seem to prioritise you his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Have you posted before? This sounds familiar....

in that I provide transport ( he can’t drive as a result of a medical condition) , supermarket trips, sex but everything is on his terms.

Let him sort his own transport out.
Sex should be on everyone's terms.

I think you should be suiting yourself a bit more.

With respect to your own financial situation I am surprised you decided to be mortgage free when you dont have adequate pension provision. In my mind compounding and interest rates means you are better off keeping mortgages and investing/saving.

Given you have a house it might be worth looking at

• leasing your garage if you have one
• a lodger
• renting out your drive (depends where you are we can get £200 pm as near a tube station)
• using your house as a filming location!

I'm agreeing with PP. I think you're being used, OP. He might not consciously mean to be using you, but his male entitlement is off the scale. I agree that you should start matching his energy with the relationship. And he can start getting home food deliveries and taxis - bloody cheek of him!

It sounds like he wants a nice life but also wants to put in zero effort. I'd cut your losses and end this relationship. You are convenient, not a partner.

I'm guessing he chooses to play golf on your weekday day off because that's the day you are available to ferry him to and from his pleasant activity that doesn't include you?

Come his next weekday golf session, perhaps you need to be unavailable.

Doesn't he take public transportation to play golf? If he were a caring, thoughtful partner, he'd be the one getting himself to your place with dinner in hand since you're tired from work on that one weekday date. And then going home at 9 when you go to sleep. And yes, he can play golf any day of the week, so never having that available for you, is a sign he's selfish and doesn't make you a priority.

I was with someone very wrong for me who was selfish for a year. In hindsight, I realize my self-esteem was really lacking back then to put up with him.

But also, about the moving in situation, you didn't mention first and foremost that moving in together would be so nice for added companionship, eating all meals together, etc. When you mention making it easier on you financially as being top on your mind, that'd be the wrong reason. It's your desperation for being exhausted talking. Moving in would be the worst decision because as you say, he's doing all the using and taking in your eyes, and you don't feel like the priority you should be.

Think about the saying: Your feet take you to where your heart is.

That should be your guide for this particular situation.

You're in the GF slot and that's it. He's compartmentalized his life to his liking. You also make that very easy for him.

You're desperate to move in because you're overworked and want the equity out of your home.

Downsize by yourself. He is living his life independently of you and you should start doing the same.