Do I need to end it once and for all?

[Car52]

Been wanting to leave for some time because he’s rude, disrespectful and incredibly selfish (to put it lightly).

Tonight, he had a go at our DD who’s 11. Now admittedly I have pulled her on her attitude lately and rightly so, but tonight he switched… told her she was spoilt, and that it’s pathetic at her age that she still finds comfort in “sleeping in bed with her mummy some nights” - she got really upset.

He then went on to say that he’s being used by us two basically and left out of our little world. I admit we’ve been distant and probably stuck together the last few weeks but that’s because he’s so god damm rude! Anyway he then said infront of our DD, that if it doesn’t change him and I will have to have a conversation about where we go from here and that’s fine too.

Looking for some advice and people’s interpretation of what’s going on..xx

Why is she sleeping with you?

Yes its time to get rid of him. He spunds unpleasant. I would not be ok with my dh belittling our children..

That’s fine carry on in your mum and daughter life and he can leave.

She doesn’t always… but sometimes she struggles to sleep and asks to get in with me in the spare room. I only go in the spare room sometimes because he’s either had a few too many and is irritating OR shuts the bedroom door and then kicks off if I go in to get into bed because I’ve woken him up!

I can imagine his side of the story and there's probably loads more to this than just what you've stated. You clearly want to leave; what's stopping you?

If he has feelings about being left out, etc, that is allowed, anyone can have them. However, it's how you deal with those feelings that makes a person. The way he chose was pretty low and disgraceful, he, a mature, grown-up man could not see that it's absolutely horrendous to belittle a child like that, and he threw his toys up in the air (verbally) like he was a child himself. If he took a peaceful evening, when DD is asleep and sat down with you, sharing how he feels openly, that would be different. If I were you I would tell him that this behaviour will just make you want to leave him, and if it continues, that is exactly what you will do. Unless you are already there, you are totally allowed to be fed up, and feeling no love towards him to even make you want to see if it changes. One way or another, I would be clear and tell him how things are.

Yep he's being verbally and emotionally abusive. Doesn't matter if it's coming from a place of insecurity, it's incredibly toxic. I had a husband like that too, the moods, the sulks, the rudeness. It would be damaging on several levels to stay with him, not least because it would be silently teaching your daughter that it's ok to put up with behavoir like that
I would stick up for your daughter abd yourself by splitting.
Hopefully he will wise up in terms of his relationship with his daughter in future. He might, mine has done with our daughter. But if I'd stayed he'd still be being resentful for no reason and a shit dad.

You could try talking it out first and perhaps couple's counselling or family counselling. I tried couple's counselling with my husband but ultimately it went nowhere. Perhaps your husband would be more responsive to it , none of us here can know that.
But you are also allowed to end it immediately if you don't see that it would help or if you just can't look at him the same.
So exhausting dealing with those moods and strops in a partner. Being a single parent and co-parenting has been so much smoother for me although it has its own difficulties of course.
I really hate a parent belittling a child though. Calling her pathetic is inexcusable. If you can't look at him the same after that it's totally fair enough, just start the discussion about splitting if so. You might need mediation to reach a place of agreement about how to split , what arrangements to make, if it comes to that. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with your 11 year old sleeping in your bed with you sometimes.

Why is it wrong if she does?

Is he your DDs father?

He sounds pretty unpleasant. I would probably be making plans to leave.

Saying that to an 11 year old is fucking disgusting. It would be awful for him to call and adult he supposedly cared about pathetic for something that gives them comfort, let alone a child

I think he sounds horrible and I would not want to be with him one second longer after he said that. Your poor DD.

Yes I would leave a man like that.
And I would be very careful that my daughter does not take on any guilt about it. I think she might need counselling to counteract any guilt tripping from him.

This post has made me so mad and glad I am single. My DS11 sometimes gets in with me (not often) if he’s got something on his mind or had a nightmare. If his Dad mocked him for doing that - and to his face - I think I would go f’king mental!

Do I need to end it once and for all?

Do you really need to ask?

Firm up plans to leave him.

Couples counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You are not safe enough to do such sessions with him and he would likely try and manipulate the counsellor. Abuse is not a relationship issue, it is about power and control.

Who cares? She’s only 11, that’s still a child!

So really she’s scared of him and wants some reassurance and comfort.

Give her all the hugs she needs and get rid of the bozo.