I'm feeling completely stuck and could really do with some outside perspective.
Apologies for the rather long post - My mother has always been difficult, but over the last few years, as my dad's health has deteriorated, she has become incredibly angry, controlling and cruel.
I remember being told as a child that she “loves me but doesn’t like me”. During GCSEs and A levels I was told that “we don’t accept Bs in this house”. Luckily I was quite a high achiever academically and with extra curriculars so managed to keep her quite happy. If we went out for a meal my mother would always complain about something – “the fish is too greasy”, or” the vegetables are undercooked”. She didn’t see the point of eating out as she could cook better at home. When I started working and enjoying having some disposable income I was regularly criticised for spending too much on clothes, eating out, etc. (I still don’t think I did as I always was able to save the majority of my paycheck). However, I think things really changed when I married my partner. From the beginning my mother made it clear that they weren’t accepted as part of the family. I genuinely don't know why. My partner is kind, intelligent and a wonderful person. Even on the day they were burying their own mother, my mother made a point of telling me they would never be part of the family. On our wedding day she screamed at me that I was making a huge mistake. We've now been happily married for 10 years with two children.
Five years ago we moved to the other side of the country for my partners’ job. My mother screamed at me for days about how selfish I was and how she must be a terrible mother for me to move away from her (about 150 miles for reference). Despite coming back to see them every couple of months (sometimes more) it was never enough. Last year we decided to move back for schools, jobs and infrastructure. Being closer to my parents was also a large part of this. I loved living there but I never truly felt settled and was happy to move back.
Financially it's been a huge sacrifice. We've sold a much larger house and are buying one that's half the size for twice the money. We're currently renting a tiny two-bed terrace with two energetic children while we wait to move. It's stressful.
I am constantly compared to other people’s children negatively, eg you never take me out for lunch. If shes asked out for lunch she doesn’t want to go or behaves badly. She tells me about the amazing holidays, cars and houses her friends children have, but if I spend any money I am told about how much money I waste. I don’t tell her about anything we do or buy because I know I will be criticised.
My mother seems to expect me to drop everything whenever she wants something. We both work full time but she wants me over multiple times a week to sort problems or organise whatever she needs. I try to keep this to once weekly with me and my partner goes over for a coffee once a week. I’m not a handyman but I will be unblocking gutters, repairing dishwashers, fixing leaking pipes, putting up blinds and curtains, painting bedrooms and taking them to medical appointments. If I say no she either gets a cheap handyman or patient transport but I am blamed for it. I am terrified if I get something wrong as I will get screamed at or she will start crying that her life is so hard. then ignored until she either decides she needs something else. She also expects my partner to do things for them (mainly ferrying to appointments) which my partner is happy to do. But my mother will regularly cancel last minute leaving them unable to organise their day as a control tactic.
A recent example was Father's Day. I sent my dad a card, as I always do, but I didn't visit. We had a rather busy day (got up early for the summer solstice, then went to a football tournament for our youngest). I rang in the morning to talk to my dad. But I've never visited on Father's Day - it's never been a thing in our family - I was due to spend the Monday with them because I was taking my dad to a medical appointment. When I called I got a torrent of abuse about what a terrible child I was, followed by several days of silence. The silence only ended because they needed me to do something.
A few days later my mother announced we were no longer invited to theirs for their wedding anniversary. We hadn't been particularly looking forward to it, but we were going to make the effort because they're my parents. Then she uninvited us from her birthday too. The day before her birthday I dropped a card and present on the doorstep. I didn't knock because, frankly, I didn't want another confrontation. She then texted me saying I was spiteful and had ruined her birthday.
Every time she behaves like this it affects me far more than it should. I end up anxious and on edge, and I hate admitting this, but I become snappy with my partner and my children. They don't deserve that. I've had therapy and I am on antidepressants, but I still seem to fall into the same emotional spiral whenever my mother lashes out.
Despite all of this, my parents have offered us money towards our house purchase as they do realise how far our own money goes here - somewhere between 5-10% of the purchase price. My dad did have a good job when I was growing up and they lived very frugally so have managed to amass enough to put them in the top 1% of wealth in the UK. I don’t begrudge them their money and I would like them to spend as much as they need on care. But the reality is that we do not have the same standard of living since moving back. I'm terrified that accepting any more money means my mother will feel even more entitled to control me.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Does this sound like narcissistic behaviour, or am I missing something? More importantly, how do you set boundaries with someone who reacts to every boundary with anger, guilt-tripping and silent treatment? And would you walk away from the financial help, even if you ended up helping them anyway?
I do not feel able to go no contact despite therapists suggesting it. I do try to grey rock as much as possible but I find this still takes an emotional toll and I am exhausted by it. She is currently not talking to us and my partner is for once struggling to find patience.