Help reconciling ex's public persona (kind and loving) vs what I endured

[Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum]

How do you get over the public persona your ex vs the cruelty and humiliation they put you through?

Context: I just came out of an abusive relationship. I left my ex two months ago after I hit absolute rock bottom. Because we have very similar communities, I keep spotting him around, even in other people's social media etc. and he, as he always has, presents as this super kind and patient and progressive man and only I know what happens behind closed doors. And it makes me angry and sometimes I start doubting myself like if everyone thinks he's this amazing loving man, am I the problem? But then I look at my diaries and there's some insane things and I remember. How do you reconcile the two? How long did it take you? I want to get to a stage of indifference but I am really struggling.

Some people are two faced - I think you know that already. It’s just horrible when it’s done to you.

No two faced person ever shows their nasty side first - otherwise they would not make any friends or lovers!

The worst abusers are usually always super charming, smarmy good-guys to the wider public. It’s how they get away with it, and how they attract their next victims. You can’t control what other people think of them. You know the truth, and that’s what counts.

That said, one of my closest friends married a ‘Mr Perfect’ a couple of years ago and I can see right through him. So maybe they don’t manage to hoodwink everybody.

You remember that both sides are real. He puts his best face forward to gets what he wants in public and puts out his cruel side at home. If you only saw his best side you’d refuse to believe this side of him too.

I’ve written this before but my therapist taught me the best lesson I ever learned when he said that the defendant can never be the jury in a trial.

You are trying to make your ex the defendant and the arbiter of what is true and that can never be appropriate.

Defendants in the worst crimes lie, cheat and manipulate in court to get the best outcome for themselves. If they were the jury too do you think there would ever be such a thing as justice.

You are the arbiter of your own experiences not him. He is gaslighting everyone around him and manipulating them.

Why do you need to? You know what and who he is. You saw his real face. The mask that he shows other people isnt him. Its an act.

My EX was charming, incredibly attractive, charismatic, musical. He was just so sexy. He was also very violent, manipulative, aggressive, disloyal, unfaithful and frankly a bully. I knew him. His mum and siblings knew him. His mum told me to leave him and that hed abused every girlfriend he had ever had. The rest if the world just saw the good bits which he could only sustain for short periods. Not everyone is all good or all bad. I really loved him. Probably because he love bombed me, beat me, cry and self deprecate and repeat. In the end the violence snd fear outweighed the rest. I think he did love me. I just think he didn’t have the self control or MH to have a positive relationship.

I feel you’ll find more people see through the facade than you perhaps think OP.

A couple in my social circle (so more acquaintances than friends iyswim) always seemed to present as a “perfect” family unit.

The H in particular always seemed to strive to be perceived as a “family man”. But this was always to the point that it came across as trying far too hard, which made many of us think there was more going on under the surface as it were.

They separated a few years ago and whilst you would still think based on his SM that he was Mr Perfect, the story that emerged from his (now) ex-wife was very different. No-one who knew them was remotely surprised or had any trouble in believing his ex-wife’s version of events.

In my experience, most abusers can put on a charming front for others. Don't give it any headspace - you know what he's really like and presumably your close circle do too. Don't worry about what others think of him. It's not your problem. Block him on social media so you won't see pictures he's tagged in. Concentrate your energies on focusing on your own life and actively work to stop yourself thinking about him. Therapy can help 💐

Sorry just to add, there were a number of occasions where the “mask slipped”. Nothing particularly serious, more comments or actions that just raised a few eyebrows because they were so at odds with the image he was trying to present.

But it was usually in moments of stress or frustration (for example speaking rudely and abruptly to his “darling” wife when he wanted to leave a birthday celebration early).

You couldn’t help but wonder how he was at home when things didn’t go the way he wanted and there were no witnesses for him to consider.

Very sorry to hear about your reality. What goes on behind closed doors really can be completely different to what people see and reconciling that with your own experience can be disorientating at best.

Some friends have confided in me and I in them. We are all confused now b/c we know that what we see often bears little relation to reality.

It seems that most people are consummate actors. Whilst I hope that every couple I meet is content, I really do wonder sometimes.

Sorry you are dealing with this. It’s not easy. My therapist said most narcissistic types present as very charming so it’s kind of a red flag in itself. Also I think you need to just carry on being exactly how you are and let him carry on being exactly as he is. I remember meeting a lovely woman who was worn out cos her partner was a complete arsehole who did nothing for their baby. Ultimately they separated. Then he got with someone new and was all over social media doing what he does acting all happy. Now they have separated also. I think these people can’t hide who they are and in time people see them for what they are really. Also there are a lot more people than you probably realise that can see through him. The man I’m talking about just recently got an MBE for some litter picking thing and always has people saying how great he is but he’s an arsehole. I really admire his ex though, she just got on with it. I wish I could have been so dignified with my abusive ex, I was telling anyone who would listen what he did to me and it made it worse as most people weren’t that interested. I hope you feel better soon. You deserve to be completely free of him. He’s taken enough of your life.

My dad was like this. He still is at nearly 90. There's no point wasting energy on people like this. Just go live your life and block him from all social media so you don't have to see any of his bullshit ever again.

ExH was Mr Nice Guy, not so nice to me. I assumed our mutual friends would shun me and keep in with him. Not so. Quite a few saw through the veneer and recognised me with all my flaws as the more authentic person.

If it helps, I imagine a lot of people won't really be fooled by him.

I'm wary of people who present how you describe, DH is, my parents are, and as I've got older I realise most folk are the same - we just play along with what we see in the moment.

Start reading up on Cluster B personality disorders and also the book by Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'. There are also books by Peter Salerno on the choice to abuse. They may or may not be available in the UK though.

Steer clear of books that will leave you feeling shamed for co-dependency. They are not useful to you when you are still reeling from what you have endured.

And give yourself a massive pat on the back for leaving.

There is an expression for men like this “Street Angels, Home Devils”, that was, and still is, my ex. I have accepted that he is such a good manipulator that some people won’t see through his BS, but I do, and so I have moved on and I just feel sorry for the people that he is fooling. At least it’s not my problem anymore.

I don’t think it’s very hard. Some people are manipulative. Being one person to the world and someone completely different behind the scenes is literally who they are. I have a parent who is sunny happy perfect mum and granny all rainbows and unicorns to the world, but she’s a shitbag to me. She can literally in the same minute post some meme about how her daughter and grandchildren are the best thing in the world and she’d do anything for them and 30 seconds later, send me a message saying I’m an awful person because I don’t like her convicted paedophile partner and she doesn’t care if she never sees her grandchildren again. 🤷🏻‍♀️ (This literally happened).

The thing is, you are only responsible for you. Not him. Not other people. You. You need to look after yourself and focus on what you believe and how those beliefs play out in actions. He’s a manipulative two faced jerk, but you’re giving him a lot of headspace. Probably so are his friends and family for the same reasons. You get yourself some therapy and work on you. The cracks will eventually show with him. Hopefully you won’t be so enmeshed then that you even notice. You’ll be off living your best life.

I’m with one of these, he is to the outside world a very charming and charismatic man. He makes friends with people in shops, other parents and has a huge amount of friends. At home he spends his entire day ignoring me and the kids. He is the most vindictive person I know, he utterly terrifies me. During our 20 year relationship he has done crimes and got away with them, he’s repeatedly abused me. I have no doubt he’d kill me if I left (I met someone who been badly beaten by him). Once in awhile I’ll meet a woman who clearly can’t stand him but most people are sucked in by him. Including my family unfortunately who blame me for the abuse, saying I need to learn to deal with him better.

Think this is pretty common op

i hate going where people knew my mother but didn’t ’know’ my mother . They didn’t see the nasty alcoholic her family did. I’m always told what an angel she was 🙄
I’m sure everyone who knows my most recent ex thinks it’s ’my loss’ . Such a lovely man with so much to offer and will do anything for anyone . They don’t know he gets his grubby kinks met by a woman old enough to be his mother and visits dubious massage parlours and god knows what else

tale as old as time.

Time. The Real him and Truth will come out. Believe me!! And besides do you realise how much energy is consumed in this acting role? Detach and leave him to it.

Really concerned to read this, I’m so sorry. Can you phone the National DV Helpline (run by the charity Refuge) for support and advice 0808 2000 247 ?

I moved away. Not far but new schools , shops and friends..

Do not doubt your own truth and experience. As you have written: there are different presenting faces - a public and a private one. You don’t reconcile them. You reconcile with the fact that this person is both and it doesn’t work for you.

Take time to heal and nourish yourself. Abuse whittles the self away to a shell. But never doubt what you went through and that you have chosen not to be part of that any more. You are capable of choosing and caring for yourself.