I’m really hoping for some advice here. I’m on a downward spiral and don’t know what to do. I know I’ve f’d up but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.
Back story, I’m separated from my husband of 31 years. We split over a year ago. Things weren’t great. I tried to talk over and over again but it just wasn’t getting me anywhere. By that time I think things had actually drifted too far tbh. H had an emotional affair several years previous and it devastated me to the point that I don’t think I ever fully recovered, hindered by non full disclosure, lies, coverup etc. things had been strained prior to that and I hadn’t been easy to live with myself. Mental health issues and childhood trauma playing a big part. I take full responsibility for my own part in the marriage turning sour but the infidelity just rocked my world.
we tried to make it work afterwards for several years and on the whole things got better, but things were a constant reminder whenever he lied about something small or stupid. He was secretive and when I’d pull him on his lies he would say it was because he didn’t want an argument, which just made things worse for me.
eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and we split. I was ok for the first few months, we had no contact and my anger towards him was so bad at the way he just walked away without trying to fix things. I think I survived on rage those first few months.
I filed for a divorce out of anger because he kept ignoring my messages. I was so pissed off that he could just ignore me after 31 years and a family together. Now we’re mid divorce and I’m so sad at what I’ve done. I realise I still love him and I can’t do anything about it Or tell him how I feel.
I don’t want anyone else or even want to start again with anyone again.