MIL comparing me and SIL after birth, should I keep my distance?

[Thuraya17]

My SIL recently gave birth to a lovely little girl. Thankfully me and my SIL get along extremely well, we’re very similar in mindset and I liked her from the minute BIL introduced us.

Yesterday she told me about her experience with our MIL in the first two weeks after babies birth. Our MIL kept comparing her to me after I had my baby (bearing in mind MIL was not there when I was post partum and didn’t meet our son until he was 7 months old as we live abroad). She was basically telling her I was getting it right and she’s getting everything wrong. I’m really disappointed in MIL, not only did she not see the hard parts of my pp journey because she wasn’t there but also my SIL had a c section and therefore her recovery was a lot harder.

I also feel like if MIL keeps this up she could cause unnecessary uneasiness between me and SIL. I hate the comparing of women, we should all be supporting eachother. There were lots of comments made that didn’t involve me too, like saying the baby smelled of bad and coming over every day but refusing to help and just critiquing everything. There’s a cultural barrier between me and MIL and there is no barrier between MIL and SIL as they’re both from the same country. I wonder if I’ve been wrong about MIL being harmless and giving her the benefit of the doubt simply because I thought it was a cultural gap.

She has done lots of strange things with me too that I allowed to go over my head like jumping on to mine and DH date nights or inviting herself on our family holiday and then crying and getting the whole family to call my husband when we’ve said no (we did stick to our no). She also frequently spends DH and BIL money without asking (which is their own fault for leaving money with her tbh but still).

I guess I’m just kind of weary now about trusting her and at the same time don’t want to jump to too many conclusions about her since it’s DH mum and DS grandmother. Should I just ignore it and keep playing nice or better to create some distance?

Keep huge distance from your MIL, she sounds like a bloody nightmare with all the crying and assorted drama. I would also be wary of your SIL, there was no reason to pass on the comparisons made by your MIL was there?

Your mil is toxic and not at all harmless. I would put vast mental and physical distance between you and she along with keeping your child well away from her. Her past behaviour around her son and you is dysfunctional and certainly not due to a culture gap.

Your child also needs emotionally healthy role models and your mother in law does not fit the bill.

Do not ignore this and do not play nice. Such appeasing behaviour just makes you look further weak to this toxic person. Best to stay well away and let your husband deal with her. And tell him to stop giving her money.

Tell your MIL, that her comparisons are not fair and just explain like you have in your post that recovery times for sections are a lot longer, ut is likely that she has developed a bias which is unfair.

What do you mean when you say DH and BIL leave large amounts of money with her? In cash? Why? And what happens when she steals the money?

They have always kept money with their family, some kind of family norm I guess. Cash and sometimes they’ve transferred well more than enough for certain projects but there’s never any change even when there should be 😂

I actually think I’ve been too nice and my MIL considers me a push over and cause SIL has stood up for herself instead of making excuses for them, she now is being nice to me thinking I’ll accept anything.

I made the mistake of excusing MIL behaviour for years. She had a bad childhood, lost her mother young, doesn't have social skills etc. The fact is, she's a bitter, toxic bitch and I should have listened to my younger self and cut her off. She's been nothing but grief for over 20 years and I've got nothing positive from allowing her to be abusive. Cut her off and be done with it. Give yourself the grace you want to give her but that she doesn't deserve. IMO.