How do I keep my husband focused on important conversations?

[Ceruleanwaves]

Really annoyed today and possibly just wanting to vent rather than find a solution but if anyone has one please please let me know!

Every time I try to talk to dh about serious matters he trails off like he’s talking to a third party. Today’s example is we’re talking about buying a house, he’s been dithering about what house to buy for years and in that time it’s been stressful as prices are rising and we’re now only able to get a lot less for our money then we could have done if he just decided what he liked before.

i said to him to send over some houses he liked and discussed that houses are going up in price and there’s a lot at stake when he’s chilling out about it all and not seeing anything, our last mortgage in principle was in June 2025 back when I stupidly thought we’d be in our new home by now.

He then starts about a the prices of flats in a new block of flats being built around the corner which aren’t suitable for us (don’t have enough bedrooms) but wants to ponder over who’s buying those and if they’re even worth that much.

I feel so sick of it all. Years of renting and not being able to choose how to decorate my own home when we’re in a position to do so are really starting to get to me. He does it with other things too, I’ll speak about booking a holiday and he’ll say that a lot of people go on holiday to the Canary Islands even though we have no intentions of going there.

Ive begged him to try to stay on track with our conversations because we seem to get nowhere especially as I get really upset when I’m trying to have a conversation and he diverts it into a weird tangent. Want to cry in despair today.

Cos it’s not important to him unfortunately. give him a deadline and a v severe consequence if not agreed

Mine does this. And also if something happens in the middle of the conversation like his phone pings (nothing urgent) or he needs the loo, that is then the end of the conversation even though we have not reached any conclusions or got any further forward.

As pp says it’s because it’s not that important to him.

He doesn't want to buy with you

Yes that’s what I’m thinking. I’ve asked if he doesn’t want us to have a home together, he keeps saying he does. Our dc would love to be able to decorate their own room and feel secure, we’ve been in several rentals in the last few years two having been forced out by the landlord. There’s no stability at all.

Can you afford to buy without him? I’d be tempted to do that. Sounds like you’ll be waiting forever if you wait for him.

I'll get lynched but while it could be that he's not considering the conversation as important, it could also be a sign of something like ADHD, where the brain is less able to filter out irrelevant distractions and stay on topic effectively. What you said about it being like he's talking to a third party made me wonder because I have ADHD and sometimes in conversations it's like there's a third person in my head so the person I'm talking to has their input, I have my input, and then my brain is going off on a tangent about the Canary Islands and sometimes that is what will come out rather than my original reply. (More so before I was on medication/noticed I was doing this).

Is it a general pattern for him and does he seem to do it regardless of interest/importance level? I used to get really frustrated when people expressed that they felt I didn't find something important, because often I did and I couldn't understand why they were saying that - my propensity to get distracted or not just has no relation to whether the thing is important to me or not, which is inconvenient, and I now accept, a bit misleading.

@BertieBotts if that’s the case is there anything I can do?

Perhaps he just engrossed in other thoughts.
I know I can be, sometimes I start down one path and get distracted by another thought
Milk
Eggs
Granola bars
Persil (non-bio)
Woolite
Batteries !!!
Salad Stuff
and I realise I've drifted off again.

The market is picking up a bit now but if anything prices have been falling (area dependent I do know).

in these circumstances I’d take charge a bit tbh. Just do whatever it takes to start a Mortgage in Principle application, which will require him to produce evidence of income etc. Having specific jobs to do may help. It will also make him speak up, if he doesn’t want to do this.

Our area has consistently gone up unfortunately. We have got a new mortgage in principle now. He seems very nonchalant about having to get one. I can’t afford to buy alone. Just want a stable home for our dc tbh.

Right, then start booking viewings of houses YOU like. Seeing some more concrete options may help him.

Stop waiting around for him. Take charge. Arrange viewings, get him to come along if he wants. You can effectively buy together with very little input from him.

Well if he thinks he has ADHD (obviously there are other signs, not just this! But he could look them up online) then he can speak to his GP about adult assessment, although there are long waiting lists in most areas, and they probably wouldn't do anything unless he is experiencing significant impairment (e.g. it's causing problems in relationships, with work, financially, with parenting or health etc). But he might also be able to self research and understand his own patterns a bit more.

From the outside if he doesn't think there is a problem then probably not much you can do. If he's willing to listen and understand that this specific aspect of difficulty (if it's a difficulty for him) is a problem for you then you might be able to come up with some kind of plan together, like a jokey code word to indicate he's off in the Canary Islands again rather than in the room in the conversation with you. It depends on your relationship really and how this would go. You'd probably need to bring it up at a separate time. Some people would feel pretty defensive having it pointed out, especially if they aren't aware that they are doing it.

This. Your DC are more important than the ego or gender roles here.

Get individual counselling if you need to grieve the identity you thought you had as a wife. It is clear you need to wear the trousers, he will never.

Do it for your DC. They deserve a home and stability.

Sounds like he might also be avoiding an argument by changing the topic.

thanks. I think counselling may be needed now. I have tried to get him to focus on the situation.
I have also tried to arrange to see properties but before we go to see them he points out everything he doesn’t like. Daft thing is, most of what he now doesn’t like would have been resolved if he’d bought years ago when we first started looking because we’re having to look at smaller places due to the increase in price now.