Why does my MIL only want to hold the baby?

[sparkleapricot]

I don’t get on with my MIL - I won’t go into details as I have on previous posts and every single person told me to cut her out of mine and my child’s life, I’m navigating how I want to live the rest of my life and what’s best for my child, but she does something in particular that I don’t understand.

she is a manipulative woman and genuinely did believe for a while that she was my child’s mother. All very triggering and plenty of examples but this isn’t about that.

if we are seeing her, she wants to come to our house. If she is at our house, she will sit on the sofa and rock back and forth with my child on her lap. No talking to her, no playing with her, just rocking back and forth and maybe kissing her forehead.

if we say - shall we go xyz? She will say no because she won’t be able to hold the baby.

child is 10 months

so, things are rocky at the moment and she’s arguing with my partner because she can’t see the baby whenever she wants. He says, why don’t we go for some breakfast tomorrow and there’s a park nearby so we could use the swings. She immediately says no I want to see the baby. We were like …. She will be there? I did expect this reaction from her, because it’s not the first time. But I don’t understand it. Does anyone on here?

I would’ve thought if you are this devoted grandparent who can’t be away from their grandchild, you’d take my arm off? Also my child is old enough to sit in a high chair, eat food and play on swings. She is getting around the place, really intrigued, loves playing, I felt this would be really good quality time with her. Why would she decline that because she wants to sit on my sofa and hold her? Again I would understand if my baby was a newborn or if she was talking to her or something but she just rocks back and forth. My child often when on her lap is trying to get around or babbling away but she will ignore that.

she gets extremely jealous of my family if we go to the park or go for lunch, etc, but she never ever wants to do that. She wants to sit in my house and hold my child, rocking back and forth.

not looking for opinions on anything aside from why you think she might be doing that? It’s not a huge issue for, just a pattern that I’ve picked up on but don’t understand?

She sounds like she has serious MH issues.

I wouldn’t see her until this has been investigated and hopefully resolved.

You're trying to understand something it's not possible to understand beyond "that is her preference."

You already know that her thoughts, beliefs and behaviours are concerning and out of the ordinary. This is simply just part of that.

Instead of trying to understand it, you could either:

Continue like this.

Encourage her to interact differently.

Consider whether her place in your life is healthy and how you might manage that.

Some women are a bit 'baby' obsessed but only really like cuddling them like a doll. Your mil sounds like this. I always think its really unhealthy as the reality of babies is that phase of them being a tiny newborn bundle that only needs cuddles and feeding is incredibly brief and if that's the only bit someone enjoys thats pretty sad. A 10 month old baby will be crawling, wanting to move, babbling, and ripe for stimulation from those around them ready to develop their language and motor skills and normal people recognise that and delight in seeing babies grow and develop! Your mil is definitely the odd one here

OP, she sounds actually crazy - she believed she was your DC’s mother? WTAF? And now she just wants to cradle an increasingly mobile ten month old on the sofa? Maybe you’d better get her one of those newborn dolls, but I wouldn’t be letting her anywhere near my DC. She doesn’t sound safe. What’s she going to do when your baby actually struggles to get away? Because she will. I’d be avoiding seeing her as far as possible.

Thanks for the replies. I was unsure if I was being too harsh? Not sure. I just found it odd.

as pps have said - babies crave stimulation and my child enjoys playing and trying to walk around climbing up on things. She loves sitting playing with her books that make noises etc. I couldn’t understand why she ONLY wanted to sit on my sofa and rock back and forth.

yes I think where she has been incredibly difficult since my baby has arrived, I have been trying to analyse all of her odd behaviours and explain them but you are correct, not for me to do that. She is who she is, I can only look after my child.

incredibly difficult having no one to talk to about it though, hence the post! Appreciate the replies.

She’s unwell - I would have to reduce contact as it is not good for anyone .

No you are not being too harsh at all. It sounds like she wants to play at being mummy to your child

I would keep well away from her going forward. It is also not your job to tell her to act differently as she is incapable of that.

What does your DH have to say about her behaviour? What was his upbringing like and has his mum always been like this or is it a new thing?

He’s very laid back but he does stand up for us otherwise it would’ve ended a long time ago.

She is very argumentative if she doesn’t get her own way she will throw the victim “I’ve been abandoned” card out. She enjoys controlling situations.

she controlled DH, who was 19 and paying her mortgage, gas, electric, sky bill, I told him this was ridiculous (as another 19 year old NOT paying my parents bills), and from there the arguments started.

although the weird thing is, she was not a maternal person when she had her son and actually had an affair on his dad because his dad “cared more about the baby”. All very bizarre. His mum and dad actually got back together last year because they “wanted to be grandparents together”.And she said that they get on great now that DH has grown up and moved out.

Only whilst writing this I’ve thought that maybe she wants to do the things she feels like she didn’t do great with her own son? Not sure if that makes sense.

overall though, he agrees with me, but I’m not sure if he’s just agreeing with me for an easy life lol, hence why I’m here asking MN! Although he has said that she wants me out of the picture. She has also made comments to him before along the lines of “I don’t need to ask for permission, she’s my grandchild” about various things.

I appreciate your response.

There’s a photo of my MIL doing similar and I do recall at the time I was slightly irritated, as she’d get annoyed when I had to prise the baby away to be fed. I don’t know. Time has passed and the it’s now a very sweet memory/photo. All of this is complicated by your own relationship with your MIL. I have a photo of my own mother rocking my baby and I didn’t feel the same, but that could be because my mum would happily give my child back!!!

Suspect she's harbouring some historic trauma and this is how it manifests

Or she's just fucking nuts

Either way I would be limiting her time with baby

You aren't being harsh. She sounds like she has some serious MH issues.

If she actually believed she was the baby's mum for a while, she is clearly still living that fantasy and that makes her a risk. I wouldn't leave her alone with the child.

Your baby must be walking or soon, and won't want to be rocked like a newborn. How will she cope when LO wants to run, play on the swings, go on a baby zip wire or to soft play? Maybe that will solve the problem.

Sounds like mental illness. Not normal behaviour and a bit creepy. I'm sorry you're caught up in this.

What would happen if you told MIL that child doesn't want to be rocked and cuddled but wants to play. And if there's no play there's no rock/cuddles

Sounds like she is treating her like a toy rather than a person with her own needs.

Yes 100%, my mum sometimes will sit here and rock her and I feel absolutely fine. But I don’t feel like my mum has an ulterior motive. She will also ask to take her to the park, or out for lunch, or sit and play with her, sing songs, clap hands, but then MIL gets jealous we see her more. Crazy

100%, if there weren’t already issues there, would I have even noticed it? Probably not. Thanks for the reply

Just to add some more context - she does not see her own parents and was not a maternal mother (according to my partner).

She had an affair on his dad when he was little because she said essentially that he put too much time and attention on the baby and not enough on her. She worked 9-5, his dad worked nights so done school pick ups and drop offs during his rest.

so yes, perhaps she is trying to rewrite history or feel better about her past trauma. Either way I can’t be letting her do that with my child.

thank you for the replies - I’m relatively new to MN but genuinely find it really helpful.

My ex mil was like this. Obsessive. She would put her face right up next to my ds’s face so their eyes were really close together and she would stay like that for as long as possible. It was bizarre.

I was weirded out by her and so we always met in parks or cafes where she knew she couldn’t behave strangely. We were always out and about with her.

Insist on meeting your mil out and about. And ignore her demands about seeing the baby. It’s not her baby.

How very odd. She wants a doll, not a grandchild. Keep offering trips out, don’t have her to yours.

Yeah, I can relate. She would look at my baby and tell me how she got all her features from her.

I am weirded out by her and will take your advice and only meet her outside. She makes me feel uncomfortable and so I have told my partner she is not welcome in my home.

how has it been since you broke up?

She sounds demented, I'd not be letting her in my house.

She does sound like she has dementia. I used to work in nursing homes and many of the ladies with dementia would sit rocking dolls. I’d be taking her for a memory test so you can better understand her behaviour.

I agree with others, she sounds somewhat unhinged. That is not normal at all.

I would not meet her outside either. Why would you at all subject yourself, let alone your child, to s PM done like her?. Don’t do this to yourself.

This is long standing behaviour from her towards her son and you so it’s highly unlikely to be dementia. It’s her personality that is disordered here and she is a walking red flag.

Your child also needs emotionally healthy role models and mil here does not fit the bill. Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

You have to put in some very strong boundaries. And ignore her tantrums. This will change anyway when the baby gets a bit older because baby will not be wanting to sit on somebody’s lap she will wiggle and struggle to get down. Your mother-in-law might lose interest when it gets to that point. Good luck. She’s v odd.