AIBU to consider leaving a long marriage that feels lonely?

[battleaxee]

I wonder if I may ask for advice.
name changed !

I am 51, with my husband for 30 years. He doesn’t “see me”
The kids are grown, independent and happily successful- they both currently live abroad and neither needs a roof at mum and dad’s. I feel lonely in the relationship, god, he talks at me…..a stream of consciousness without even looking at me. It IS awful. I don’t talk to him about anything personal anymore, or work, my highs or lows. I would not choose him now.
He is successful professionally ( as I am) but I work one day less per week than he does- he does not do housework- hence me working a day less- he does his own laundry as I refuse- he has never vacuumed-not once- we have had conversations, arguments- but nothing ever changes. I do the shopping and cooking, but he will buy things, but not a planned shop.

i met him when I was a deeply traumatised young woman- he felt safer then, but I have grown but he has not. I read widely, got an education and perhaps, blossomed. He is reactive and not introspective. It feels constricting.
Because of my past, fear of male violence is cellular. This is a big issue for me.

We don’t sleep in the same bed and apart from a sometimes hug, there is no intimacy. To say I have the ick is an understatement.

We have a house that I love, I raised my babies here, there are other assets- but not enough to buy what I would want.

Thank you if you took time to read and I would value any insight.

Do you see any path to reconciliation? If not then what is the point in flogging this dead horse.

Some people manage to reconcile, usually with counselling, but both parties have to actually want it

Dead Horse!!! Exactly that.
i am not sure what could be reconciled…..he does not see me as his equal (the burden of housework is mine alone) and I am not sure what would change this deeply embedded beliefs

Don’t let ‘perfect’ get in your way of leaving. You may well not get the house of your dreams but in balance you get a more peaceful life where you don’t resent the person you live with.
You are still working so will be able to get a mortgage, I got one at 68. Not where I thought I was going to be at this age but here we are. I’m living in the town that is my first choice, not on a busy road and less than ten minute walk to shops, yoga, doctor and bus stop.
Take control, marshal the ducks, make a plan.

I was going to say could you just go out more and do your own thing- hobbies, gym etc but the housework thing is crap. If you got half the house could you afford a little flat, since the children dont need a place to stay? Whats the point of leaving because of the burden of having all the housework on you and having to do the housework anyway because your house that you live in on your own is too big?

This sounds incredibly lonely. I left my ex partner when I realised that if he became seriously ill, I wouldn’t want to care for him. This made me realise the relationship was over for good. I also realised I wouldn’t want him caring for me if I became very ill.

I looked at my mother’s life and long ago decided never to be a slave to a house.

It’s hard, don’t get me wrong. I very deeply loved the house I grew up in, but that’s long gone due to my father’s bankruptcy - all the long long hours my mother slaved to keep it didn’t help in the end. I adored the house I bought with my XH and hated having to leave it, but I couldn’t live with him any more. And I am madly in love with the house I own now with dp, but if he dies I probably can’t afford to stay here solo.

There will be other places. Don’t live an inauthentic life because you can’t imagine anywhere else to live. Your husband deserves a life with someone who likes him. 51 is young enough to have a whole third chapter - I met dp at 51 and we are getting married next year.

How do you feel when you imagine yourself living in a small little house that is just yours, I fantasised about that for years before leaving (mine was me and my kids in a little house, just us, as they were younger).

do you want him by your bedside if you became ill or at the end of your life?

that was a telling thought for me.

Are you saying you are choosing to stay with him because you wouldn’t be able to afford an ideal house if you separate?

You could have as many years ahead of you as you’ve spent in your marriage: another life time essentially. I’d leave.

yes, plan to end the relationship! You’re not receiving love nor respect. If he wanted to change his treatment of you he would have done so by now

Just end it. You have another 30 years at least if you are in good health. No material items are worth torturing yourself for. The memories live in your head, not in your house. You take them with you.

Could you pick up the fifth day at work if you wanted more income?

Personally I'd choose to be on my own rather than this half-life with someone. I'd rather have a small place of my own than be picking up after some bloke I'm used to but don't like that much for the foreseeable.

If you were free, at least you'd have the opportunity to meet someone else. Even if that doesn't happen, you won't have to listen to him droning on day in day out.

As pps have said, you have possibly another 30 years ahead of you. What would that look like with this man? What will happen in retirement and old age? What if his health deteriorates and you end up his carer?

You only get the one go at this.

You don't need a big house to be happy, it just means more housework. Your peace and happiness is more important.

That was kind and inspirational. Thank you to everyone who took time and thought to respond.
My fundamental issue is unresolved trauma around leaving- my father stalked us for years and all of that is embedded.
My home is ‘nothing special’ but it has been a constancy and refuge for a long time- I will look in into the Freedom programme.
thank you, again, for your solidarity and care.

So sorry. You are only 51. Lots of life left to live - too much to be spending it in this cloud of despair. I would get all your options down on paper; costs, where you'll live, what the future will look like and start looking about putting a plan in action.

Gosh, 51 is still young - you have a lot of life and adventures ahead of you! Don't stay in a relationship where you feel unappreciated and unseen, you deserve so much better. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, he may have been the right person for you at one time, but not now. You have one life so don't waste it in an unhappy relationship. The freedom of being single, only having yourself to think of and just doing what you like whenever you like is not to be underestimated, especially when you've raised a family and spent the last 20+ years putting everyone's needs before your own.

Grab that freedom and happiness and make the break!

At 51 you might be heading into menopause which can affect your mood, tolerance levels and energy etc. It's also a time when past/unprocessed trauma can resurface in some people (like me).

Could you employ a cleaner to take on some of the housework so that this doesn't add to your resentment. Arrange a once a week food delivery, anything to lighten the load in this area.
You need time to indulge in yourself.
It might well be that this relationship doesn't work for this stage of your life, but it also seems like you need some therapy for the unresolved trauma if you didn't have it already?