Marriage counselling now, or is it too late after 14 years?

[Randomusername26]

Apologies in advance if this post is long. I'd value your honest thoughts and experiences but please be kind as I'm feeling a bit fragile about the situation (and also a bit guilty about sharing this much on a public forum).

I've been married 14 years and am in my mid 30s so got married rather young. We were married within a year of meeting and at the time it all felt terribly romantic but looking back on it I feel that it was probably rushed and that he may not be the right one for me.

We've got 2 children under 10 together and he's a good dad. He also helps out around the house etc so no issues there.

There's been good times and not so good times. One of the things that bothers me is emotional distance and lack of understanding. I've had mental health issues (which he knew about before we got married) and he's sometimes been rather ignorant and unsupportive with this. He can sometimes come across as judgemental too. I feel more comfortable confiding in colleagues than him sometimes.

He also sometimes has issues with his temper / bad moods. On one of our first trips away together I remember him being in such a foul mood (he'd lost something) that we had to stop what we were doing/ go back to the hotel. I remember finding his disproportionate response quite upsetting.

I've raised the idea of marriage counselling a few times over the years but he's never agreed to it. I've had counselling on my own (including about our marriage but often for my wider MH) several times and think I'm generally quite self aware.

More recently I've just been feeling a bit "meh" about our marriage. Nothing has especially triggered it but I've been doing a lot of thinking and wonder if we're just not actually that good together and whether the marriage has run it's course. I don't think I love him anymore.

I have never really considered divorce (partly because DH doesn't "believe" in it) but lately it's been on my mind as a genuine option. But I feel like it would be selfish to break the family apart just because I feel that I would be happier on my own. This may sound odd but I sometimes wonder if I never really had time to "find myself" before settling down as a wife.

I've spoken to him about my feelings and he's devastated. He's (finally!) agreed to marriage counselling but part of me feels like it's too little too late and wonders if it's even worth the effort. And then on the flipside I start wondering if I'm just being dramatic or making things into too big a deal when on the whole I do have a good life and he is a decent man.

I guess I'm wondering if any of you have any experiences or insight that may help clarify things. Have you ever been in a similar situation? What was the outcome? Or do you have any words of wisdom to offer? Thanks.

Counselling worked great for us - but we both went into it wanting to save our marriage.

It sounds like you don't want that, so what is the point?

Do you still have sex? Is there someone else on the scene?

It's always worth trying if the relationship is fundamentally sound - in that situation the grass is rarely greener.

But things like

> This may sound odd but I sometimes wonder if I never really had time to "find myself" before settling down as a wife.

are a huge red flag. That's a very specific kind of dangerous problem, and one you should really probably be taking to therapy individually.

I do want to have a good, healthy marriage but I'm no longer sure if that's achievable, if that makes sense..? Or whether that's ever what we had. Good to hear that counselling worked for you though. That is a positive!

We do have sex still but infrequently- I'm often genuinely too tired and my libido isn't great tbh. I guess life is just busy. (But then I end up wondering if that I'm itself is an issue in that we should be more active in prioritising?) No-one else on the scene.

Thank you for your insight. Yes, I do keep reminding myself that the grass is rarely greener!

Could you explain what you mean about it being a huge red flag (sorry if I'm being a bit slow). I'm definitely still open to going back to individual therapy / counselling if more appropriate so will def consider it.

You're not being slow, most of the people I've watched do it have actually been very intelligent/capable people, and often otherwise happy.

In my experience, when people get together/married young, as time goes on, and over the years they see their friends clubbing/travelling/tindering/changing/maturing individually - all the young/single things - it can breed a low, background level of resentment, that accumulates very slowly over time.

If it's not dealt with, it eats at their decision making, making them slowly push boundaries, be hyper-aware/sensitive to other explanations for their unease, and it normally ends up exploding. Either in having affairs, or just otherwise self-sabotaging their relationship.

Not because they're a bad person, or because their relationship is bad, but because it causes a very specific and very slow-growing kind of pain that most people just don't seem to do well with.

If it was me, I'd definitely be taking that to personal therapy, because it doesn't normally really have much to do with the partner, and will likely muddy the waters.