Sad times

[Tiredgirl88]

I cant cope. My partner is getting worse with losing his temper over such small things. Accusing me of things, being jealous if I talk to others and if im nice towards my ex. Even jealous of me and my sons relationship it seems. We cant communicate he just flips and gets in my face to shout then worries that the children can hear and tries to make out it's me . Im doing my best to not raise to any bait but its extreamly hard ! I dont know what his problem is as we have a good set up we've taken on each others kids got a mortgage together and money is ok . He works long hours and becomes resentful I feel that he pays for the bulk however I pay my share , i work and I provide the emotional labour. Im very sad as some days he is lovely and everything i need and want in a man . But others he is an absolute nightmare, an argument can pass then he will bring it up again the next day with nasty texts or calls he never let's anything drop. I have to block him then he will email , I end up so angry and upset I resort to replying but its making me sad. I feel I cant be myself. Its embarrassing as my adult child is not silly and aware of the situation, I think he thinks im stupid. I suffer with bad anxiety and I have no money / savings . I have no where to go if I left. My child is settled in school is happy with friends and my eldest is trying to save by living at home with us . Im worn out trying to keep the peace, im told for always being tired and not wanting sex ( why would I? ) he cannot understand any of my feelings and threatens to leave me and sell up even though its my home too . Then other times he is all over me wanting affection and takes the hump if I dont give it because he never takes any accountability. Ive asked him to go to anger management he point blank refuses and says I need the doctor because of my anxiety. He doesn't like most people , very unsociable and boring yet he appears a law abiding person to the outside world and puts the act on but I see the other side who flips at the slightest thing and it's getting worse.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He can likely control himself around other people so he does not have an anger management problem. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him
out on his abuse. Am courses as well are no answer to domestic abuse which is what is being described in your post. It also does your children no good either to see you as their mother being abused by your man. He is also the root cause of your anxiety and your mental health, as well as that of your dc, will improve when he is out of your life.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. You are named on a mortgage so I would seek legal advice asap re this and all aspects of separating from him.

You also need to contact Womens Aid. At the very least go to a branch of boots the chemist and ask the staff for ANI (Annie). They will direct you to a private area where you can access domestic violence support services.

What you're describing is abusive behaviour. Your anxiety is bad because you're in an abusive relationship. Please contact Women's Aid, they can offer you help and support to get to a place where you can leave safely. You and your children deserve a peaceful home where you feel safe to be yourself and there is calm.

You need to give your head a wobble if you think he is everything you need /want...
Maybe the idea of him. But surely not the actual him?
There are millions of men in tje world. You really can do better..
And deserve better.
Your dc need better.

You deserve better and he's coming between you and your kids

I was in this position too for 5 years. He ruined the last part of my son’s childhood which I will never forgive myself for. It took me nearly 2 years to extract myself and my money from the shared property we lived in. He tried counselling etc but nothing changed him. He was and probably still is an angry, horrible
man. Please make plans to separate from this guy OP as he will not improve

What steps did you make ? How was it for your children ? Thankyou for all replies .
I dont know where to start i feel overwhelmed with thoughts, and anxieties. One moment im getting a half hearted sorry in a text then when I see him his face says otherwise and hes nit picking again. He has a problem me being friendly towards my ex , he cannot understand this but I want my son to be happy so its easier to be "friendly" for the ten minutes when he comes to the door. He is friendly anyway he chats to him then when he has a bee in his bonnet he threatens to call him out and "have it out with him" as to why hes a rubbish dad. But hes not concerned or looking out for my son its to get at me . He sees himself as the only one with "worrys" as he grafts all day has a child with learning difficulties and has all of the pressures. Apparently I have none and shouldn't be tired or have anxiety . Other days he can be wonderful and kind and loving. Its all so confusing .

If it’s confusing for you imagine what it’s like for your son. This man is abusing you and your son. Can he go and live with his dad?

It seems strange how he can change daily. It sounds very volatile

good luck with your next move. Do you want to be with him ? It doesn’t sound fair on your children

Your relationship to him is over because of the abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are in turn not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

He being nice is an act. He is showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He defaults to type ie abusive soon enough. It’s enough to give anyone spaghetti head. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Again how can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Make no mistake here, he is abusing your child in turn because you as his mother is being abused. This is no life for either of you and it will not improve. Your only real option here is to leave him. Get legal advice re the property asap.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?. This is no legacy to leave him.

You have a choice re this man who abuses you, your child does not. Make choices with your child upper most in your mind. Going forward too, enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

And stop describing him as your partner. Millstone around your next is more accurate and he is and will continue to drag both you and your child down with him.

He's nice sometimes because you wouldn't stay if he was abusive all the time OP, it really is as simple as that. But it's the nice bits of him that are fake, he is an abuser and the days when he is nice are designed to confuse you and dupe you into thinking there's something worth staying for. You acknowledge yourself that he's getting worse, how far are you willing to let him escalate before you see him for what he is? Please speak to women's aid and get some advice about how to plan a safe exit from this relationship, I'm genuinely worried he may suddenly escalate to physical abuse, especially if he gets a sniff that you're thinking of leaving.

OP, you can do all the walking on eggshells you like. This wanker is a broken angry man at his core and will find something to shout at you about to make himself feel powerful and in control.

If you keep going, doing the same things, this is your life. Unless you're happy with that, you have to make a change.

This might be an insightful read.
TLDR - there is nothing you can do to make someone be nice - he's choosing to act like this towards you and your son.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Stop being sad & making your life small to appease a waster. Get really fucking angry at how he treats you and makes you feel, and use that power to motivate yourself to leave. Speak to womens Aid, if you work, seee if there's any counselling or financial support on offer for colleagues. There is a way out and the wonderful, knowledgeable woman on here will be able to support and advise you too. The rest of us will cheer you one from the sides.

Recognise that his shitty crumbs of love are nothing more than another tool to control you into staying - conveniently timed when he's gone a bit too far.

Nobody has the right to make you feel unsafe and anxious in your own home.
Make your focus yourself and your children from today onwards. Good luck.

Thankyou to all who replied I will take everything on board, it will be a difficult ride and I dont know where to start. Im always tired ( thats an issue aswell ) I cant be tired , i haven't done "anything" that warrents being this tired. Im mentally tired and he drains me but he refuses to hear it . ( i must be having an affair etc ) . Im concerned ive got peri menopausal symptoms as I am the right age. However I know the dull life makes me tired! He hates me being lively with "others" if I stand up for myself he goes mad and gets in my face. He threw the washing at me and presses his nose on me , I react so I guess im as bad. A normal person would leave the room or just leave completely. I guess I am scared where we will live / how will we survive on own ? Im so angry at myself for making a dreadful mistake with him.

The house will need to be sold, or one of you buys the other out.

If he refuses to sell you can get a court order.
Your child is experiencing domestic violence, which will have a lifelong impact on him, can he stay with his father, as a previous poster suggested?

You’re tired because you’re walking on eggshells with this abusive man. Please speak to a domestic abuse helpline and cover your tracks so he doesn’t find out.

He works long hours.
You are always tired.

Not a good recipe at all.

Can any of that change?

Definitely not . He hasn't even got a place to live himself. Doesn't even live in the same city , he's off the rails himself so wouldn't be a good idea at all but I can see why people say it in a normal circumstance.

Contact Womens' Aid first of all. He is totally abusive and will escalate sooner rather than later. You need help with a plan to leave as soon as possible. The most dangerous time for someone like yourself is when you decide to leave and that is why they will help you with a plan.

If you have trouble getting through to WA contact your GP's surgery or a pharmacy.