Am I trapped in a cycle of "dating down" out of fear?

[Anon2025December]

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some perspective or to hear from anyone who has broken out of a similar pattern.
I had my son when I was young (22) and split from his dad who was using my money when I was at work. Since then, my relationship history follows a pattern: a massive chemical rush for the first 3 to 6 months, things starting to fizzle and then a breakup by the two-year mark.
Looking back, I’ve realised I have a habit of "dating down" although I may not realise at the time as I've looked for sweet or kind personalities as my priority. Subconsciously, I think I’ve chosen men who feel "safe" because they aren't intimidating, domineering, or overly powerful. On paper, they might be good-looking or great at practical DIY, but there's a massive mismatch in intelligence/stable employment, or they are from overseas which has put them at a financial disadvantage. I completed a degree myself and then went into a second profession studying and working and raising my son while paying for childminders. I've bought a house. I'm proud of everything I've achieved.
Most recently, I tried dating an older man, thinking he’d be more established and emotionally intelligent. Instead, he lacked basic self-awareness, was manipulative, selfish and told me it was narcissistic to tell him if things he was doing made me feel upset/uncomfortable.
It feels like I’ve been picking partners where there's an underlying imbalance, meaning the relationship has a built-in expiry date because I know deep down it can't be a "forever" thing.
Has anyone else who had children young found themselves trapped in this cycle of picking lower-stakes partners out of a need for control or safety? My dad was quite domineering and I think for years I've been nervous to be in that kind of dynamic. How did you break the habit and start dating equals? I feel much more mature and secure now I have my own house and am a bit older. Have I any hope of a long term relationship or marriage?

I have a friend who also dated several men with an expiry date. She also had her children young. Now she is content to live alone. I think my best advice is to stop looking. I have another very dear friend how is now in her early 60s and has been desperately looking for 40 years, and still is. The waste of those years really saddens me. I think you should just live your best life, and stop trying to find the right man. Congratulations on all you have achieved. You sound amazing!

I don’t think it’s that deep. You date who you really fancy. That’s good. Better than people who date people who meet a checklist. Heck there are people on here that date men just because they seem marginally pleasant and they don’t like being single/want kids. (ICK!)

Most relationships don’t last. Very few last forever. Even most marriages end. Forever-after is a fairytale. Just keep dating people you fancy, enjoy them when they are enjoyable and be quicker at removing them if and when red flags show up.

All the sexual relationships I ever had with men had a built in expiry date because subconsciously I never wanted them to last. I was happy with a FWB model where we saw one another a couple of time a week and went away for the odd holiday. As soon as the talk moved to meeting his family/children/living together I backed off sharpish. In all these relationships I was definitely dating down in the sense that the men concerned were not my intellectual equal. Dating such individuals acted as a defence mechanism to keep the relationship casual. Choosing partners who did not challenge me intellectually gave me emotional control. It was a subconscious guarantee that the relationship would not demand deeper vulnerability

By contrast Ive had a number of non sexual friendships with men of very different backgrounds which have lasted - one of them over 20 years. Intellectual and social equality matter far less in friendship because you are not setting up a life together. Friendship does not require merging finances, households, or future goals. Consequently, I am free to appreciate platonic friends for what they are without evaluating their long-term viability as a life partner or equal.

The dating pool is not great, so it's difficult from the get go.

How old are you? Apparently all the attractive, decent, high earning men 40-65 are looking for models in their 20's.

Have you had any interest from the kind of men you'd prefer? Perhaps you're just not right for them 🤷‍♀️

Op I am a long term singleton, previously married 18 years but single several years, I must admit when first single I dated down out of fear of being single, I have learnt it’s nothing to fear because at the end of the day relationships can come and go but we need to look after ourselves and our own well being foremost. From the offset learn to say no to controlling men, say no to Mr unemployed, you want an equal and if he can’t provide the same emotionally/financially then hes not good enough for you.

What an utter rubbish outdated concept @TealSapphirethat decent men want 20 year old models, firstly women these days are doing it for themselves and don’t want a sugar daddy! Also no man 30-40 years older is decent if he only chooses a partner for youth and looks

Some people on here enjoy bringing single women down that you can never find anyone, it’s not true of course, you are worthy, and you have the power to pick who’s right for you.

Personally Dating up or down is neither here nor there.However emotional intelligence and self awareness are for me key to anything going forward. Unfortunately it's in short supply. So relationships don't last. I don't get attached to relationships anymore.
I'm happy dating and staying single. I also don't overthink it. It's not a cycle or a behaviour on my part. It just is as it is!
I would just enjoy your life OP and your interactions. Your MH and well being are your first priority.

Dating groups arent homogeneous.

Very honestly i have known a couple of women who stopped simply because they attract/ are attracted to tbis sort of thing and while they want a partner staying single is easier.

I personally experienced similar...i dated men who were "the opposite" to my father who was angry and controlling... just a "force" in the home.

I also havent dated "intimidating, domineering, or overly powerful" men...
I dated a lot of seeming calm stable emotionally regulated "nice" men (most of whom were dismissive avoidants who simply emotionally detached from things when it got hard / feelings were being felt...)

I also have a need for control and candidly like having the "upper hand" because having of having no control in my childhood. I hated how powerless I was. I remember being 9 or so and vowing I would always work and have my own money so I do what the fuck i liked and not be beholden to some angry man

@Anon2025December
I believe that if you mature having had a series of short term relationships then your relationship goals for a long term partner shouldn’t be based on those of those of a young couple who fall in love and grow up together.
I think that maintaining and living in your own homes with completely separate finances is a much better goal rather than trying to merge your lives together.

Don’t think of it as “less than” think of it as an equally significant way to be in a long term relationship.

I also have a need for control and candidly like having the "upper hand" because having of having no control in my childhood. I hated how powerless I was. I remember being 9 or so and vowing I would always work and have my own money so I do what the fuck i liked and not be beholden to some angry man

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp I could have written this paragraph myself about my own childhood in the 50s. My father was a violent man and it was a good day when I went without a slap. Although I have loved and respected individual men over the years because of my relationship with him I grew up hating and despising men as a species. I evolved into a strong, proud woman who controlled her own destiny. Ive not had a sexual partner now for many years and don't want one. I have never wanted a child.

My last relationship had a built in expiry date, and it looks like my current one may have too (which is probably not a bad thing over all). I've found very few issues finding a new partner, currently in late 50s. Have to admit I don't tend to look, though! Current bloke chased me for months before I noticed... says more about me than I want to hear...