Friendships

[Autumngirl5]

Just wondering if anyone else struggles with friendships? I never used to have problems with friendships and family and have several very long term friends but recently seem to be having problems.
It started when I lost my daughter a few years ago and my sister cut contact with me over how we planned her funeral ( she was invited and came). Very recently my grandson’s daddy and stepmum have told us that there is a couple of things that have made them take a step back from us. We honestly can not think what it can be and previously we got on so well. I am scared to discuss it with them. Another friend has not replied to a message I sent her (although I know she has a lot going on).
I hope I am self aware enough to see that I am the connection in all of this but it is making me so miserable.
I think since all of this I have lost confidence, become very sensitive and seem to struggle with my friendships. I feel as though I don’t want to put myself out there and that it is better to withdraw from everyone.
Just hoping someone may have some advice for me.

Just because you are the connection doesn’t mean you are the problem. I am not sure what to say, but didn’t want to say nothing. I am sure lots will be along to give advice. Sorry for the loss of your daughter , that will be v difficult 😥

Thank you.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Maybe it would be a good idea to do counselling or therapy to help you, as you've identified some changes in yourself, (which are totally understandable). And heck, I think I'd need extra support forever if I lost a child. Your emotional resilience must be paper thin.

My DD died, some people just can’t cope with death and when it’s a child you become a social inconvenience as it’s just too horrible to contemplate. My SIL did something at DD funeral that all attending had been asked not to do. I banned her from our house and had zero contact for 5 years.

I had therapy at a local hospice, it was free but we made a decent donation. It was specialist bereavement therapy. I would recommend this route.

it’s a pain that is indescribable it’s like a part of actually you an an individual no longer exists and you no longer feel complete. I have learned to live with the pain and enjoy my life again.

I echo that you might be the connection, but it certainly does not mean you're the cause.

I've seen how bereavement can rip through established relationships and it seems to expose fault lines you didn't know existed, funerals also bringing out the best and worst in people.

While I've been trying to understand things I came across the term secondary losses, which is while the initial bereavement is a loss of that person, it's how linked relationships, places, routines and events are also changed too - it's not necessarily you, it could be the grief.

You haven't mentioned how you're feeling emotionally? The relationships are a bit incidental, if you feel you're struggling with confidence what does that look like?

You’ve lost your daughter. It doesn’t sound like it, but even if you were being terrible to people, you would hope some grace would be shown.
The fact that you’re considering that you might be the reason they have cut contact, probably means it isn’t anything to do with you though. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Presumably your grandson is your dd's dc?
I am so sorry if they are taking a step back, unless you have majorly overstepped then I think that's unforgivable to cut that link with your dd.

You may very understandably be depressed op and I think a trip to the gp is in order. Plus some bereavement counselling.

Thank you everyone for your kindness. My grandson now lives with his dad and his partner and it is them who say they have taken a step back. My husband and I can not think what it can be. Our grandson is 15 and still stays with us very happily every 3 weeks.
I am happy around my friends generally and don’t talk about my daughter much to them.
I did try counselling but to be honest it made me feel worse but will think again.
My GP said that after losing a child you are a different person and maybe that is it? Maybe a few people can’t cope with it.
I’ll keep soldiering on. Thank you again x

I am so sorry that you lost your daughter OP, that must have been extremely traumatic for you and your family. However your sister sounds heartless if despite attending she cut contact with you because of a disagreement over funeral plans.
Funerals can cause rifts and disagreements but going N. C was a cruel thing to do when you needed kindness and support.
Re your grandson l can only suggest that you get in touch and ask how you can try to resolve things. Not knowing the reason is frustrating and upsetting and you can't begin to repair things if you don't know what the problem is. Try not be scared it's better to know what you are dealing with.
You mention 'us' in your post so would that be your DH or partner? If so does he have any idea himself what the issue could be?
Like others l think you would benefit from bereavement counselling. Grief never goes away but this may help you learn to live with it.

Sorry OP, l just saw your update but my advice is still applicable ( l hope!) Do consider tberapy, even if for yourself if you don't want bereavement counselling. It can really help to acknowledge and support you through turbulent times. Sending you strength and best wishes, l hope things get better for you.

Therapy/counselling does tend to make things feel worse initially.

Thank you. I might reconsider counselling but even the thought of it makes me feel anxious and tearful.

I didn’t realise that so will think about it again. I do think that since losing my daughter,
I have become less resilient and much much more sensitive and that may have impacted other relationships. Thank you for responding to me.