Ex contacted again but not being consistent.

[GoldenGold]

A couple of months ago, my ex got back in touch by email after a year of no contact. He hasn't seen the children in three years. The email was long and very apologetic. He said he was sorry for the way he'd treated both me and the kids, and that he'd like to rebuild contact again if they wanted to see him.
I replied because it clearly seemed to have taken a lot for him to send the email, even though several people advised me to just block him. We exchanged a few messages, but I noticed he didn't really ask much about the children.
Now it's been three weeks and I've heard nothing at all. No messages asking how they are, no checking in, nothing.
Am I wrong in thinking that if he was genuinely serious about rebuilding a relationship, there would have been more consistency? One of the biggest issues in the past was that he was incredibly inconsistent. He'd go months without seeing or contacting the kids and never seemed to understand why that was upsetting for them.
To me, three weeks of silence after such a big email feels like history repeating itself, but I'm wondering if I'm looking at it too negatively. What would you think? I’m not expecting daily or constant contact but I think at least a weekly check in to show he is serious.

(posted on aibu but didn’t get many responses)

Didn’t you like the answers on your last identical thread?

and I already said that I posted it if you read it? I posted but got like 3 responses 🤣 feel free to scroll post theres no rules on how often you can post. 3 responses doesnt mean i cant post somewhere else 🤷‍♀️

“Posted on aibu but didn’t get many responses”

I think you should have listened to the people advising you to block him. So what if it took a lot for him to write it? I’d imagine it took a lot for his children to stop wondering why their dad didn’t love them enough to play an active and consistent role in their lives.

He clearly hasn’t changed. I suspect he was probably feeling a bit low when he sent the email and wanted to feel like he had a family if he wanted one. And now he’s feeling better so he doesn’t need you or his children anymore. Tell him he’s an utter failure as a father and that there will come a day when he’s older and lonely and wanting that family unit that he will regret walking away from his children.

I'd say it just shows nothing has changed and his words meant nothing. Maybe when he wrote to you, he was drunk & maudlin, or had broken up with someone and feeling lonely, or someone had pressed him about him not seeing his kids, or something like that.

Doesn't seem like he is actually prepared to do the hard work. I wouldn't chase him.

Well he’s really shown who he is so it’s time to completely grey rock him and not entertain him at all.
You have had a near miss this time you could have got involved and badly hurt.
Why are you doubting yourself?
And why accept a crumb of him getting in touch once a week? That’s simply not good enough for your children.
Your children have got used to him not being around. It must be lonely and it must have given you a little glimmer of hope but don’t allow it.
Your children need stability and he provides nothing at all.

I guess im just annoyed with myself for even responding to the email

if this man was serious there would be consistency. Apology without change is simply just manipulation.

He is just checking in to see who you are with, how your life is without him, and here is why. He has gotten bored in his life, with whatever he has now, and is having a peak into how you are dealing with things without him.

Your kids will not benefit from this at all and the damage for them staying on the sidelines while a grown man decides if he wants them or not is cruel.

Next time he emails you or gets into contact try and see the contact from a third eye, question why he is. For me its spells he is bored now and seeing how YOU are doing in life. It takes a certain kind of person to just ignore his kids for 3 years, a very self centered one at that.

^^ This

It doesn’t make you a fool for responding. And if he tries again in another 3 years you wouldn’t be a fool to respond again.

Just take what he says with a grain of salt, don’t invest in his promises. Make it clear that, as far as you’re concerned, words are cheap and it’s up to him to do the work to increase contact and prove himself.

You don’t have to go whole hog in terms of blocking or facilitating.

While the intention behind wishing to see your children have a relationship with their father for their sake, @GoldenGold , this man is showing you a good representation of how dependable and consistent he would be going forward.

Think about it - things are relatively simple for him in this stage, nothing is built/rebuilt yet, but he is dropping the ball even now. Starting to mend something between him and the kiddos and then hurting them again after he disappears again, or fails to show up will cause them even more pain than the off-change good.

As a man who is the son of ab absent father, my point of view is simple: the only consistency needed here, is consistently keeping his distance if he is unable to meet the kids' needs. Because that is the point - kids come first, and if he can't be around on those terms, he shouldn't be around.

thanks for the comments, i know it’s my own fault for falling for it again. I honestly felt like he genuinely sounded apologetic in his email and he obviously put a lot of effort into sending it (it was very long!) which is unlike him.

Maybe someone helped him write it.

I dont think anyone helped him
write it, I do think it was genuine and he probably meant it at the time but for whatever reason he sent it and then decided against it. I know he will claim he was “giving us space” but you don’t give your kids space 😕

In the brilliant words of M Scott Peck (author of The Road Less Travelled...highly recommend BTW) love is not an involuntary emotion but an act of investment and action.
There's your answer!

This twats ‘in’, is your misplaced optimism. Now you know, don’t fall for it again.

Don’t do that to yourself - you did the right thing giving him a chance to redeem himself for the sake of your children.

But now he’s proven he’s just as inconsistent and will always let your kids down, you can block with no regrets and be able to tell your children exactly what happened without always having them wonder “what if he was serious and my mum didn’t respond or blocked him and I could have had a good relationship with my dad”

Well he has failed again. I daresay he simply wondered if he could get you sucked back in again if he tried and it worked. Now he's lost interest.

It doesn't sound like he ever had any real interest in his kids or how they were, but he obviously knows they are your weak spot.

Just block him now. They've not seen him for years.

Ok thanks all you are all right i will block and forget about it