Dh deflection when faced with perceived criticism

[SurreySenMum26]

I have just gone back to work after having 11 years off to care for my disabled son. I have only been back a month by for the last three days my son has gone into school not in uniform. Wednesday he went in PE kit, yesterday in Addias tracksuit bottoms with glaring three stripes down the side. Today he went in a stranger things top and branded tracksuit bottoms. Dh gets him off to school. He is 14, disabled and has a uniform code. Gives in via taxi door to door

I have tried to text dh about this. He has read and replied to texts before and after but ignored this question ( why didn't you notice he had run out of uniform three days running).I have talked to him..he said he hasn't had time to read the text.

I also asked him why he didn't empty a overflowing bin. Why has hasn't done some important paperwork for our other son. Basically both are someone's else's fault. One was a dbs check. He blamed HR for not chasing him up.

He is the king of avoidance and deflection and just 4 weeks into a new job he has not even picked up the most basic of tasks. Like get our son into school uniform. I can not get through to him. He didn't notice, he was busy, he was getting round to it, it's someone else's fault.

I'd rather resign than get a neglect case against me for not meeting my sons most basic of needs. But dh is the king of deflection.

This has really pissed me off. There is not job he could use his initiative on. Like dressing his disabled son. I really have seen him in a very selfish and aragant light this week.he of course dh can sort his own work uniform out perfectly well.

To top it off I have sent a picture of ds as he walked in the door from school. Dh is insistent ds didn't leave wearing those clothes. There is no clothes in his school bag. So rather than say "yes I fucked up" he has said "that didn't happen". Ds confirmed he went to school in what he walked through the door in ( gets a taxi from home to school because his sen school is miles away).

I think I need to email school and ask what he walked into class wearing and cc dh. But he would still deflect. Surely this is beyound the normal realms of deflection?

My husband is a master of deflection too and it drives me crazy. We only argue maybe twice a year but it’s always because he can’t just say “I should have done this I’m sorry” kind of thing.

although your husband sounds like he has mastered the art of weaponised incompetence though because this is extreme.

I don’t have any advice on how to fix it. I’m still trying after 16 years! But you’re not alone

Is your son unable to tell what he needs to wear to school every day? If so DH should be sorting this. Sounds like he’s too used to you doing everything and hopes if he just does an appalling job you’ll take over again. Weaponised incompetence and the deflection is to try and get you to stop asking about it. I bet he does it at work whenever he can get away with it too.

This isn't just deflection is it? It is deliberately sabotaging your job because he wants you to quit and go back to looking after your son full time.

Is your job now meaning that there is a different division of labour in the house? If the answer is yes then you can see that he does not want to now do household chores after over a decade of it all being done by you. I completely agree with @Darragon

I have seen this so many times with SAHMs who return to work after their youngest child starts school and all of a sudden their Dh/Dp is now rightly expected to do more tasks in the house. They do these duties poorly if at all so that the wife does it but it hasn't worked with my friends because they are not falling for it.

What I would be telling him is that there is no way you are quitting this job, he needs to start making sure his son is in the correct clothing for school and you will notify school of the days your Dh is responsible for his clothing choice so they know who to contact when he is in violation of this. No doubt he is able to hold down a job without his manager micromanaging everything he does.

I would also tell him he needs to come up with a method to remember what he should be doing like emptying the bin because no one provided you with a list so you won't be providing him with one. He is an adult and this is within his capabilities.

I'm so pissed off with him. I have just emailed ds school as bcc ing dh in asking what ds worr into school today saying I didn't send him of to the taxi.

Dh says needs a list. No one writes me a list. I could do a massive poo on the kitchen floor and dh would walk around and ignore it.

If I tell him to do something, he mostly will. But only if I tell him. I left dd ( then 3) knickers on the living floor once as a experiment. I picked them up after 3 weeks of being ignored.

It's the deflection. There is nothing he can not turn around to someone else's fault. I could catch him in bed having sex with another woman. It wouldn't be his fault. It's never his fault. I have told him many. Times he is a unfortunate victim in his life with no purchase on his destiny. Things just happen him, around him Things happen if god wills it for him

I could scream. But he would politely ignore me. Because if you ignore things, they dissappear

I think you need a divorce.

What's the point of him? It just sounds like he makes life harder.

I don't think you should have emailed the school , you know he's gaslighting you already, you don't need to drag the school into it. If you can recall the email, I would.

Good God! What a useless wanker!

You need to divorce him.

Yes my DH is like this but better since I blew up at him a few years ago.

In the early days of our relationship I used to joke that his song was “it wasn’t me” by Shaggy but as the years went by it wasn’t much of a joke any more and I just found it annoying. He had an excuse for everything.

I said to him that if he just said a simple “sorry” an acknowledgment of whatever it was he did or didn’t do, we would just move on from it but because he tried to blame someone or something else, it just made me think a bit less of him each time. Unfortunately some resentment did build up.

I can see the 'divorce him' brigade is out in full force. If you don't want to do this right now because it would actually make your life harder, then your option is pretty much to sit him down and say 'hey what can we do to make this work better?'. No one writes you a list that is true. But you have been doing in for 11 years. So if the stupid fucker needs a damn list then give him one. Stop being emotional about it. Yes it sucks, he's a big baby and a dumbass. Good luck finding a man that isn't. So give him what he says he needs. Give him a very detailed list. And when he doesn't get it right, then talk about it as soon as it happens. Which does not mean berating him like you are his year 3 teacher. I understand the temptation to do so. But you have to think of survival and practicalities. You can divorce him later on when you are better set up and have more purchase in your career and have saved money.

I did manage to drag an apology out of him. He said ds went in wearing his school jumper..but that doesn't explain his tracksuit bottoms. Ds had two pairs of school trousers hanging up so all dh had to do was look at ds, ask why he wasn't in his school trousers and tell him to go back upstairs and put them on. At which point ds maybe would have said "I can't find them". I guess this sums dh up. I can't nag him to care. I think he just a very selfish person and he wasn't always like that.

I will do the list. I have told him I really resent him and as your years go on I resent him more, he said he will change but seems to have zero concept that needs to translate into actually changing.

I have said to him before that I try not to make him superfluous to need as he is like this. I have also said that once I have got to the point where is zero need for him, what's the point of him. I sadly think this is a common theme. His mum is coming to stay with us, he hasn't booked time off work for her stay.

Unfortunately he sounds like one of those men for whom "the divorce came out of nowhere!!" because he's too complacent, lazy and sexist to listen to you & take you seriously when you tell him what's going wrong and what you need.

As a fully paid-up member of the divorce him brigade 😂, I advise you to give him a massive "come to Jesus" talk and start planning your exit for when he doesn't shape up.

This.
The relationship is dead. You don't respect him, he doesn't respect you, and disrespect kills love. You may have some residual affection and nostalgia for the good times past, but the relationship has no future.

You can't change him. You can't make him step up.
All you can do is micromanage him to make your life easier. At the moment he is at least enabling you to go out to work by 'babysitting' DS.
As soon as it is easier not to have him around, divorce him.
Exactly when that is will depend on your son's disability - will DS go into supported accommodation when he is an adult? Will he get to the stage that you can leave him home alone while you go to work?

Presumably this is a special school very very used to children with clothing issues?

I did manage to drag an apology out of him

bizarre. You think this will have been genuine?

You have been doing this for 11 years
He has been doing it for a few weeks

Emotional abuse because it pulls the rug from under your feet and makes you question yourself. Be careful because this will drain you and grind you down until your self belief is on the floor.

Op should not be acting here as a rehab centre for a badly raised man. He’s doing this because he can .

His behaviour is not merely deflection, it’s weaponised incompetence. It’s a tactic often used by abusive men to get out of tasks/chores they think are beneath them. Therefore they do those tasks so poorly that the woman never asks him to do that again.

And he will go onto lose and or ignore the list you draw up.

What’s his mother like op?. Will she side with her so ?.

“His mum is coming to stay with us, he hasn't booked time off work for her stay.”

Well, how is that going to work? Why would MIL come to stay, knowing you will both be at work? As far as school uniform is concerned, I would be cross with DS as well as DH - DS knows what he should be wearing; DH should be enforcing school uniform rules. As for a pair of knickers on the floor for three weeks, I’m surprised your three year old didn’t pick them up herself! Who takes responsibility for that sort of thing? I never cease to be amazed by how blind men can be over things that as far as they’re concerned are nothing to do with them!

Pure weaponised incompetence, if I dont do this or do it so badly it wasnt worth me even trying, she will start doing it again. And thats the best possible option. Is it possible he also is severely disabled and actually cant manage to make sure his child is wearing his uniform, but odd no one has noticed. Or he just doesnt care at all about his son or you.