Left my husband last night, should it hurt this much?

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I have been with DH for coming up to 14 years now, we are both early 30's and have one DD who is turning 4 next week.

We got together when we were 18/19 and it's been relatively stable, rocky in some places. We have experienced a lot in those years and basically completely grown apart as people. We did marriage counselling last year which improved things a little, but then things went back to their old ways - no sex for going on 18 months, no affection, basically roommates.

I found myself seeking attention elsewhere, and I knew in my head that I had to call it quits, because I don't want to hurt him or do anything stupid. So whilst there was nothing glaringly 'wrong', it didn't feel right being together anymore and I found myself enjoying my time on my own more and more, and finding myself avoiding him.

Last night, I told him I wanted a divorce - it didn't really come as a surprise but there were a lot of tears from him, he told me I was tearing our family apart, damaging our DD, he would never be able to speak to me again. He packed a bag and went to his mums house, told me he would be picking DD up from preschool today and bringing her back on Sunday.

I feel relieved - but also heartbroken. I know it's the right thing, but it really does hurt - is that a sign I'm doing the wrong thing? I have tried to leave so many times and I finally built up the courage, and now I just feel sad. Saying goodbye to DD at drop off was so painful.

Does it get easier?

A day at a time…. Plan tonight and tomorrow. Take your breathing space. And be aware there might be little panic moments, it’s normal and it’s ok💐

It’s really tough. Ours is more complex but we have been together 19 years since the same age as you and I think we change as people and life takes us in directions that we don’t expect or plan.
Maybe you could do a trial separation and see if that helps in the first instance and see how you get on managing as co parents.
Sending you strength and hope.

It's not easy. Especially when things aren't horrific, and the other person isn't terrible.

No intimacy for 18 months is an awful situation though. Unless it's from something medical, it's really hard to deal with the emotional pain it causes.

I was in exactly the same situation as you last year. I’d been with my ex-husband for 15 years, since I was 19. There was nothing glaringly wrong, I just felt like I was a completely different person in my 30s and we had grown apart. I too felt myself drawn to other people and I knew for me that it was the end. I had fallen out of love with him and think I had for a few years if I’m honest with myself. My ex was understandably devastated and couldn’t understand why I wanted a divorce. I felt so guilty for our children. I had many wobbles over the next few months and often questioned whether I was doing the right thing. I’m 15 months on now, we are now divorced, and I know I did the right thing. I am much happier, we co-parent our children well, and I’ve been with someone for seven months now who I truly believe is my soulmate. You will have moments of panic where you question your decision, but just take things one day at a time and be strong. Lots of love to you x

Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing, especially in the short term. So even though it feels awful now, this is the acute phase and it will ease. There’s maybe elements of grief and mixed in with sadness of temporary separation from your DD for a few days.

Are you maybe feeling the burden of his emotional display? I know it’s hard, but try not to feel responsibility for his emotions in this. He was in this relationship too so had a responsibility but it sounds like you’ve been the brave one and initiated what is best for you all. It’s probably one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have, so maybe you have done the hardest part.

Take time to relax / recharge if you can, so that you have energy and positivity for your DD when you see her.

It does get easier.

You aren't happy together, you've ripped the plaster off and it hurts, that is the worst bit over with. Whatever happens you are still parents and although it's gut punch to you both even if it's what you wanted it is still painful.
Divorcing is stressful, similar to a breavement - so many emotions to work through. Take each day at a time and even if you aren't speaking to each other, a leveling out will come about in time.
It's not the life you imagined together and that makes the pain worse, but each day things will improve a tiny bit as you get into a new routine and find your own way as a single parent. It's the same for your ex too.
You will get through it eventually, the sun will still shine and you will feel happy again.
I know, been divorced twice. You come out the other side because you have to, especially if you have kids.

for both of you will get easier. can imagine he is feeling worse

Yes it gets easier
you know you did the right thing - this is your partner for 14 years, someone you have lots of history with, probably still care for, have had a child with - it will hurt

You did the right thing. It would have been worse to have an affair etc.

In time when he is settled he will realise things weren’t right, and maybe even be grateful that you ended it amicably.

just focus on your daughter and coparenting in the best way you can, in the meantime it will hurt but you will get through it.

The short answer is yes it should hurt this much, leaving a marriage for any reason is no small thing.
The cliche of time is a great healer is very true though, both concentrate on being the best parent you can and in time you will all see its for the best
One day at a time

Breaking up with a loved one ... or someone you used to love is shit. No matter when you do it or if you were the instigator, it will always be shit.

I split with my husband of over 30yrs about 18months ago now. I was the instigator and I decided that, although I loved him as a person, I was no longer in love with him and all intimacy had long gone.

I was quite tough through the whole thing and I think I only cried once during the selling of the house, the discussions with him. It was like an out of body experience. But the day we moved out of our house we sat on the front door step waiting for the solicitor to call to say the funds had arrived, and we were just chatting away. Then we got the call .... we walked to our respective cars, and we hugged for the last time. Then I broke down.

No matter the circumstances and who chose to do what, it's going to be a shit time, but it will get easier, I promise you.

You’ve done the right thing OP. It just takes time. But if you find yourself feeling guilty for upsetting your husband and breaking up the family, remind yourself that ultimately it’s the best thing for him too. He’s clearly not a bad person, and he deserves to be with someone who loves him completely, and he won’t find that while you’re still together. In years to come he’ll realise you’ve done both of you a favour.

The hurt is normal, even if you're the one ending things and know it's the right thing to do.

Our nervous systems like stability, predictability, familiarity. Any huge changes make it panic and you'll get many moments of doubting yourself. Even people leaving abusive relationships experience that because the attachment to a partner, even an awful one, can be very strong.

Go easy on yourself. The pain will lessen eventually.