Need encouragement to leave partner whose drinking and absence are hurting us

[ThatPlumSwan]

I know I’m trauma bonded so please be nice… I have been in a relationship for 11 years with my partner and we have a young son. My partner works in hospitality which means late nights and weekends are often spent working and it’s mostly just me and my son. The problem is that as soon as he finishes a shift, to “decompress” he will go out drinking, often three or four nights a week, come in around 3 or 4 and then sleep away the day if he’s not working. He does very little around the house and with our son, who is brilliant and energetic, but he has absolutely no patience for him which is heartbreaking to see.
I have asked him multiple times to stop and after every episode of nearly breaking up he promises he will change but never does.
Ive also had six miscarriages and am desperate for a sibling for my son which I think is keeping me here ( I know, that’s awful). DP doesn’t really want another baby but says he will do it for me, but isn’t cutting down his drinking at all.
I have a professional job and sometimes I look at myself and wonder how I can be so stupid to stay with him and would be horrified if a friend was going through this.
I know I can look into the sperm donor option and really think I should, as I know deep down it’s not fair to him to stay with him for a baby.
Please can you give me a talking to to stop me being so weak and just leave?

I should also say he is VILE when drunk and I always end up in tears

You could start by advocating for your child and protecting them better.

Stop thinking about this mess in terms of husband/wife and start thinking about the fact there’s a child involved.

Do not have another baby with this man, I say that kindly.

It sounds like he will never change his habits, who on earth wants to go out drinking that often after a long shift at work, he must feel like shit.

Also he still does it because he knows you won’t leave.

Stop calling him your partner as of now: he is anything but and you’re enabling all this to continue by bringing there at all picking up the mess. He’s an alcoholic and as such will destroy both you and your son from the inside out. Your man’s primary relationship is with drink, not you, and it has never been with you either. He could well lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards

Think of your son here. What do you want to teach him about relationships ?. What is he learning from both of you here?. What is he going to remember the most about his childhood?. His dad being absent due to both work and alcoholism along with you as his codependent, tearful and otherwise preoccupied about her man telling your partner repeatedly to stop drinking. It sounds utterly miserable for both you and your son. And he is not going up say thanks mum for staying with your man.

Telling or otherwise asking an alcoholic to stop drinking never works. The only one who can help your man is he and he’s showing no signs of wanting to stop drinking. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Those are the 3cs of alcoholism.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar as a child?. Get therapy for yourself to break down both the trauma bond and codependency issues. Your low self worth started somewhere, probably in childhood. Address it
in therapy.

You have a choice re this man and your son does not. Do not bring yet another child into this dysfunctional mess of a relationship. It is the height of selfishness to do so and you realise this. You certainly cannot stay with him now just because you want a sibling. It’s over.

Who is more important here to you: the alcoholic or your son?.

You can only help you and your son, not your alcoholic partner. Be brave and take the first, often the hardest of steps, out of this relationship. Do you have a network of family friends to support you?. You need to bust this wide open because abuse also thrives on secrecy. Contact Womens aid too and get their support. Your son will also thank you for doing that.

I agree. Believe it or not, that’s the main reason I’m staying - my son loves his dad and would be heartbroken if we were to split but I know that reasoning is wrong. The older he gets the more he will understand what he is really like and that this is not normal

Thank you AttilaTheMeerkat, I really needed to hear that. I am quite a private person and my friends don’t know the half of it hence I’ve never had such points made out to me.

Jesus what’s keeping you there , life’s to short to not love yourself enough

Having another child with this man would be the height of selfishness. You've already give one of your children an absolutely shit dad. That may not have been your fault if you didn't realise at the time how awful he was, but now yhat you do, could you really face looking at your second child 18 years from now and telling them you deliberately inflicted an awful father on them because you really wanted another baby?

Having an abusive parent is recognised by psychologists to be an adverse childhood event. Now that you know that, you have a very serious decision to make. Please do the right thing both by your existing child and any future children you may have.

Sounds like a sunk costs mindset. You may not get the perfect set up you are dreaming of but meanwhile you already have a child and can certainly have a better and happier future for both of you without the deadweight partner.
Not fair to deliberately have a baby with someone so damaged and damaging. Why would you impose him as a father on another child?

Oh OP, do not stay with him and don't have another baby with him! You're wasting your life with a drinker, he won't change. He's coming home drunk and vile - is that really the household you want your child to grow up in? I'd leave now while he's still to young to remember.

And children love their parents anyway no matter how crap. Do not keep on inflicting your alcoholic on your son or you for that matter. And get therapy.

You've asked for encouragement to leave and you've received great replies. I want to add my voice to that encouragement.
You are in a very fortunate position that you have a good job, many women don't have that benefit.
Your son does not "need" a sibling. What he needs is a stable home and a good role model for healthy relationships. Currently your are not giving him that. Children adapt and develop when parents split up. He will be fine, he still has a mum and dad, regardless of whether the live together.
Now you need to be the adult and leave for both of your sakes.