How can I talk to my partner about his oral hygiene?

[ForestSkies]

I’ve (F28) been with my partner (M35) running up to 3 years and things are great. I love him and he makes me happy in many ways. However there’s something that has been niggling me. It’s his oral hygiene. He brushes his teeth I’d say once a day on average but it’s not uncommon for him to go a day without.

The main issue however is that his teeth are stained, lightly and only at the very top and he has a build up of plaque at the very top in between his teeth. I know he was a smoker for a while before he met me, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. I do think he is aware of the cosmetic issues as he often checks in a mirror for food caught in his teeth or just looks at his teeth as if he’s checking them. I also think his gums look red and swollen. I think he potentially has early stage gum disease.

I know you’re thinking ‘well just tell him.’ I’m really worried about how to tell him. I’ve heavily hinted, to the point I made a dentist appointment for myself and said they had another free slot if he wanted to come along. Whenever I mention to him about dentists he goes quiet, mentions how expensive they are and moves on. I’ve explained that they might be expensive but the longer you leave teeth the more expensive issues become. He said he will look into it and book it up. That was 3 months ago.

I really don’t want to A) come across as controlling by literally booking him in myself or B) outright tell him that his teeth are stained, he has tartar and I’m worried he has gum disease. I just don’t know how I’d say that. I know it sounds easy, but I hate conflict, and he can get quite defensive at times. I know this isn’t or shouldn’t be conflict though, as it’s just a basic hygiene standard to chat about.

I’m also aware a lot of my feelings come from being a bit embarrassed of it. Which I feel guilty for. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who didn’t have immaculate oral hygiene and white teeth, so it’s a big change for me. I do find myself wincing when we’re out with friends or family and he laughs, exposing the top of his teeth which are the stained parts. Which makes me feel awful saying.

Has anyone else been in a similar position with a partner? What did you do?

I got the ick and dumped him. I was 16 and he was 17. I just can’t stand bad oral hygiene.

No big awkward chat needed

Just say something approx like
"I am going to my hygienist on the 20th he/ she is great. Will l make you an appointment your teeth feel amazing afterwards...."

My dh hadn't been to a hygienist until he met me i just said you should go see mine - they are great!

The hygienist will explain all the nitty gritty to him for you

I cannot stand it. Perhaps buy him a water flosser and say it was on special and then I would try and find a way to say that brushing twice a day is a non negotiable

I would try the hygienist suggestion above but failing that I honestly wouldn’t tip toe around him personally. I would just say I think you need to brush up on oral hygiene a bit. You have some staining. And then give him tips/tools/advice if he needs it. A lot of it comes down to genuinely just not knowing. A lot of people don’t floss and have no clue how important it is. Sounds like he doesn’t floss so has allowed plaque to build up then ifs become stained

He will already aware that his teeth aren't perfect., but he may have a fear of the dentist which is why he shuts down any conversation, so its tricky. Brushing is not going to remove the plaque though, he needs a hygienist for that. Booking the appointment on his behalf would controlling though as you say, you can keep hinting but you can't force him. It isn't nice that you are embarrassed on his behalf, but i know that bad teeth are a deal breaker for many.

I think you’re right about him just being unaware. I mentioned in passing before how strict my parents were with my dentist visits regularly and how well they took care of my oral health as a child and he said he can’t remember going. Which is shocking but doesn’t suprise me as I believe he’s had a rough childhood and potentially even neglected but that’s another post in itself.

How can you kiss someone with such poor oral hygiene?

He needs to have a hygienist appointment and tooth whitening could be an option but he needs a hygienist first. I wouldn’t be tip toeing around him, when was he last a dentist? His breath must be awful.

Surprisingly his breath isn’t bad majority of the time. There has been times it has been bad and I haven’t wanted to kiss him though. I guess I just love so many other qualities about him and he’s such a kind person that I’ve overlooked it for some time. But it’s starting to build up to become more of an issue for me which is why I need to address it.

I think you just need to be upfront about it. Honestly I couldn’t kiss someone with oral hygiene as bad as this, as you say he knows and if he’s in his 30s must have been to the dentist before. Is he short of money to pay for a dentist or hygienist?

I have similar to your dh (although I do brush regularly and use mouthwash and chewing gum) and I can’t afford to go to the dentist. When you said he goes quiet I nearly cried because dh says to me about the dentist and he’ll never get how much I hate my teeth, how paranoid I am and how within one appointment they’ll be telling me my teeth will cost extortionate amounts we can’t afford. I’ve gone a number of times over the years and they always come up with a plan and I can’t even afford phase one.

And then give him tips/tools/advice if he needs it.

Yea. Of course. Cos it's a woman's job to take care of everyone around them... 🙄

FFS, he's an adult man. He sounds very unaware about his dental hygiene.

It would give me the ick. It follows on to more stuff in his life he is lackadaisical about.

My DH had had periods of poor oral hygiene that sounds similar to this. I told him quite directly that he had bad breath and dirty teeth and needed to see the hygienist for a clean asap.
It took me a while to work up the courage and yes he was moody and off with me for a day or so. But overall, I think it was necessary as all polite hints had gone unnoticed or ignored. It was a problem In our relationship and had it continued I would have left him. I deserve better than being with a man who can’t brush his teeth and keep his breath reasonable, it’s the bare minimum. Surely.

Omg. ‘Majority of the time’ and ‘times it has been bad’ 🤢 How disgusting. Visible plaque is severe plaque. He needs a dentist.

Honestly, I’d throw this minger back. Set your bar a bit higher!

He’s an adult man who will be well aware he doesn’t look after his teeth so it should not need you to keep hinting or to talk to him about it like you are his mum. I wouldn’t fancy someone who had bad oral hygiene and if he’s not bothered enough to do anything about it now then it will only get worse. I also think it’s disrespectful in a relationship to think you can regularly go without brushing your teeth and expect them to kiss you etc. This is basic hygiene and it seems you are overlooking something pretty disgusting just because he’s a “nice man”. Would he be happy if you stopped showering? Never washed your hair? As someone else has said above, it’s not your job to fix this.

The bacteria that causes gum disease can spread through kissing.

If it were me I would book appointments at the Dentist for both of you and just tell him the date and that we are going . You yourself could have a dental check or a quick clean. Take the appointment making decision away from him . If he says anything you can remind him he was going to do it but didn't so as you were making an appointment you made his as the same time to save him having to do it .Bad teeth can lead to bad health not just gum disease which I have .

Say something like, "I read an article that stated that plaque/tartar in our teeth can cause gum disease which can contribute to heart disease. So, I think we should both visit the dentist for a clean so we can live together, forever."

https://newsroom.heart.org/news/gum-disease-may-be-linked-to-plaque-buildup-in-arteries-higher-risk-of-major-cvd-events

Hope it posts this time in case he asks for proof!

Visible plaque is gross. I hate the dentist which is why I brush my teeth and use interdental brushes, which cost a couple of pounds so cost is no excuse. His teeth have got this way not because he isn't going to the dentist but because he is being gross and lazy. I would be blunt about it.

Having bad breath any of the time is so disrespectful 🤢
He needs telling. Raise those standards!

Just tell him. Say it affectionately and lovingly, rather than in an accusatory fashion, but just say it. If this is a long-term relationship you need to be able to have these conversations with ease. This won't be the last or even the most difficult conversation you will have. So, think of this as practice.

Ugh! Tell him straight, tell him he needs to sort it or it’s a deal breaker for you. If he chooses to prioritise his lack of oral hygiene over you, you have your answer and dump him.

you are not responsible for his hygiene and it’s not on you to solve it or make excuses for him.

We really shouldn’t have to discuss basic hygiene with grown men. But since his is awful you do just need to be direct.

Also, other people will have noticed to which is pretty embarrassing.