Now I have DD, feel that DP is superfluous

[bearmama]

...and he thinks so too.
I cant help it. We dont live together and have quite a turbulent history. But now I have DD (12 weeks) I feel there is no space for him.
Anyone else feel this way?

well, I am separated so prob not best to advise you on that...

but don't think you can decide anything about a relationship when you have a young baby, you are focused on them, it is natural.

kind of . I shower my 16mo DS with affection and get so many kisses and cuddles and gorgeous smiles in return that i can't be bothered to make an effort with DH. I feel awful about it - and i certainly cant be arsed to have sex. Apparently theres a hormone called oxytocin which is released when youhave sex, but also when you breastfeed - so DH is running low on it, whereas i have loads. Have just ordered a book from amazon about how to get your relationship back on track.

Well i see it as a temporary thing but DP has always wanted us to live together anyway so it just sounds like another excuse. I'm happy with the way things are re living seperately but certainly didnt intend to have a baby then say "See ya" - I'm quite shocked i feel this way TBH.

I remember feeling this way when DS was really little, I think its quite common when they are babies.

The advice other posters give in situations with very young babies is not to make any rash decisions in the first 6 months due to the huge changes in your lives and the added hormones flying around.

Your DP sounds like a reasonable person and as such it would be really good for DD to have him in her life, even if its not as your partner. So maybe you do have big decisions to make, but I'd give it a bit of time before you do.

Message withdrawn

It's normal. Tell him it's normal, too. Don't shut him out of your baby's life, and give it time.

I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as I loved my husband, until I had dd1. Then I was amazed that what I felt for dh was even called 'love', it was such a pale imitation of what I felt for my baby. It was all about us - me and her. It does settle down though and it is very normal. Agree with others. Explain it is normal to dp and don't make any decisions yet. If it's meant to be, you will get back on track.

Even if he stops being your partner, he will still be your DD's father, so he will be in your lives whatever the status of your couple-relationship.
So tell him that your behaviour is normal and hormone related and to give you time but I can see that you probably feel less friendly towards him if he is pushing for a commitment you don#t want to make anyway. To be fair to him, he is probably pushing for commitment because he knows that you are losing interest in him (which is always fatal, the more one person bleats and clings. the more the other person backs away).

Quite right madamez, that's how I feel. Good to know this is normal. I do love him, but not remotely like how I feel for DD.

Sorry, but I don't think it is "normal" at all to feel that your new baby's father is "superfluous". Tbh, it sounds as though you were not all that committed to him before your dd was born - you don't live together and you mention a "turbulent" history to your relationship. I also vehemently disagree with the idea, expressed by littlewoman, that my love for my husband is "a pale imitation" of my love for my dd. It's a different sort of love, true, but that is just as it should be. I'm her mother, not her life partner.

Dare I wonder why you had a baby with someone you did not, and do not, want to live with?

I do agree, though, that it would probably be a mistake to make any irreversible lifechanging decisions so early in your motherhood.

Sorta agree with MsHighwater. Mind you, having a baby is a catalyst for many changes and I think that you need to give yourself at least 12 months after having a baby to find your feet with things.

For DH and I, having children raised our relationship to a new level in a tremendouly positive way I think. I dont know that this would be the case with everyone, but, I can't say that the love for my children supercedes love for him - it's a different love. A joint love. I cant explain it.

I needed dh desperately when ds was born (and dd too). I couldn't imagine trying to get through that early difficult time without his help and support. Think you do need to watch that you don't direct all your love towards your children, dh and I did that a little while later, and it was very damaging to our relationship.

Well I think couple-love is overrated anyway, and it certainly isn't essential. While I have a very amicable co-parenting relationship with DS father we don't 'love' one another and were not in a couple-relationship when DS was conceived. But it sounds as though the OP's couple-relationship has run its course, and it might be better to try to ease into a co-parent relationship: the most important part of which is that you put your DCs needs first which means trying to keep things as civil and amiable as possible with your co-parent.
If he's irritating you by asking for more commitment, try to rise above it rather than telling him to get lost, tell him to give you time (because its possible you may decide to continue as a couple after all) rather than being too honest ('I have gone off you. Thanks for the sperm.')
Good luck.

I think that if you had experienced great "couple-love" you'd not say it's overrated! Because it certainly isnt!

VVV, couple-love is 'overrated' in that it's the relationship everybody is constantly being told they ought to prioritize and pursue. And the idea that couple-love is so important is one of the things that keeps people in horrible, toxic, dangerous couple-relationships.
I don't object to other people taking part in couple-love any more than I object to other people being interested in fecking football or having religious beliefs, I just think that it's not compulsory and plenty of people can get along better without it.

ohhh when youhave a tiny baby it's quite normal to want everyone else tofuck off and die. It's not his fault he wasn't the parent who gave birth. Make no decisions until the child is one - they are not tiny and needy and cuddly forever, and you will get to a point where you need physical affection from another adult.

I love my DH but often can't be bothered with him, especially when he hints at having sex again. Am still bf'ing, which does affect hormones (oxytocin, oh yes, absolute death to my libido) and at the mo couldn't care less if I never had sex again. HOWEVER: DS is still only just over 6 mo so I expect this to change (God I hope so) when I stop bf'ing. And I do rely on DH for emotional and general support, couldn't do without him.
I know this all sounds horribly selfish but I think it is normal in the first several months, while baby is so dependent on you - you use up all your love and energy taking care of this frighteningly demanding small being and don't have much left for anyone else.
I am lucky that my DH understands all this and is letting me get on with it - there are lots of sad stories where the man is not understanding and buggers off in the first year after a baby is born.
Don't make any rash decisions, certainly not before 6m and pref not until baby is at least a year old.

Well I am hoping my feelings will change - I make bottles so DP can feed DD in the evening and really enjoy the three of us being together but cant be arsed with sex at all. At the mo I feel the same as thumbwitch.