Boundaries for ex

[MusicMakesItAllBetter]

I need to make some boundaries to my ex.

We split up in March after 16 years together and two children.

The children and I moved to a 3 bedroom home, he moved in with my mum (loads of back story but not relevant rn).

Hes been visiting the kids almost daily which is a good thing but he wants us to be together and wants to talk tonight.

I've told him already that I find it awkward because my feelings haven't changed.
I have no romantic feelings towards him.

I've done nothing to lead him on or make him think otherwise.

My friend said that when he comes over that he is coming to see me and that I need to put some boundaries in place.

He doesn't really take them out by himself.
I don't go anywhere when he's here. I realise that I need to disappear some of the time.

Our children have a garden to play in with other children so they're out and in and out and in so he feels a bit invisible sometimes, like, why do i bother/am I here?

I've told him he needs therapy and he went to one meeting and thinks he doesn't need it.
Having been with him for 16 years, i can say he does but unless he's willing to go there.... I can't be with him.

There's no beds available at my mums for the kids to stay there although we could sort the spare room as it's not being used.... sadly hes not one for 'doing stuff'.

So what do I put in place?

Any help is gratefully received x

Well I would definately go and sort that spare room.

Just tell him you are not going to get back together and you want to start a proper routine. He is coming to see you and until you change the routine it will continue (unless he meets someone else in which case you probably won’t see him at all!)

The thing is while he's coming to your home, and only seeing the kids there when you're in, there is no boundary.

You say him living with your mum isn’t relevant, but it must be. He's very much part of your family unit still.

There won't be a boundary until you say he can't come into your home. Tell him he'll need to entertain them elsewhere, and you can either drop the kids off at your mum's or have them ready for him to collect. Ask him for days/times that will work.

You shouldn't have to leave your own home for a man you've broken up with and who doesn't sound like he has the least interest in sorting his own shit out.

Tell him he is not to go to your property again and it's unavailable to him to be around his kids. He'll need to pay maintenance until he chooses to actually parent.
There's nothing to talk about, he needs to arrange a house and his life around parenting, how he does that is his problem.

Thanks 🙏🏻

I would not be letting him into my home. You two are separated.
Him coming to your home everyday must be confusing for the kids too. They’ll think you might get back together.

”John, in future you will need to have the kids out or at yours. If you beep the horn when you are outside I will send them out to you. Realistically we need to get a set of days in place for when they are with you or with me. Can you let me know what days would suit you and we will try work that out?”

Certainly dont let him in the house anymore. If it’s jointed owned then you need to sell and find a place of your own asap.

I think I made the mistake of wanting us to be amicable. We've been each others best friend for years, its hard to not want to share something with him (as in an experience, a thought type thing).

He's not a bad person, I outgrew him I guess (I went on a journey but he stayed the same) and the thought of doing the same cycle over and over for the rest of my life was just.... I couldnt do it anymore.

I mean the cycle of things are great, things are good, things are good, things are not so good, things are not so good, things are shit with disrespect and thoughtlessness until I've had enough again.
Eggshells, silent treatment.

I know what you're going to say as well. I've thought about posting and not posting about this.

I know I've made the best decision for me and the kids. We live lighter.

I don't want to be horrible about it.
I am strong so I can't be talked round.

I just need a bit of guidance on how to do tbis amicably.

He stays with my mum because he couldn't rent a place due to not being able to provide any proof of previous rent payment as the place we lived in was in my name and my rent was paid by the council so he has nothing like that.

Its in the same town as where we are so easy for him to have contact with the kids.

He's 51 years old for reference and works full time.

I don’t think he needs to be in your house every day (or ever) personally. It’s Tough shit if he doesn’t want to take the kids out really? What’s he doing with his free time, Can’t he sort space at your mums? Or find somewhere suitable to live that he can take them? Or find an activity he can take them to, even just the park for an hour. Or can’t he take them to your mums for a few hours even if not over night.
if he actually wants to see the kids he’ll figure it out.

I think you can say this isn’t working any more. You’ll have to come and get the kids if you want to see them. What days in the week work for you to take them?
if you wanted to be really nice you could give him a weeks notice, but I imagine he’d use that week to try and talk you round and guilt trip you

Ive Just told him that I feel suffocated and that i love that he sees the kids but hes here to see them, not me.and it shouldn't be here all the time.

I told him that we aren't getting back together any time soon.
The reason I said that is because I would love for us to be a family unit. When hes great hes great. But he needs to work on himself.

I just need to be freeeeeeeeeee so I can breathe and see if I can flourish at this single mum malarkey.

OP, my ex sees my DC out somewhere - when they were younger, he’d take them somewhere, or to his DM’s; now they’re all adults and with children of their own, they tend to meet up in a pub for a meal. He most certainly did not see the DC at my house - he came in once when he thought I was out, at which point I changed the locks and added a new one so he wouldn’t be able to get in. Letting your ex come round to see the children is akin to playing happy families, and is sending mixed messages to him. He is already enmeshed with your family if he’s living with your DM, so you need to keep him at arm’s length as far as your home is concerned - you are now separated, and he has no right or need to be there. Let him take the DC out to the park/beach/meal/day out - whatever he chooses, but it’s his time with the DC away from you.

Hes said "ok fair enough. Hits hard but I understand. Can't blame you."

I think i might go to bed. I havent had an early night for weeks and I feel like I could sleep so I might grab it while I can or it'll be midnight before I know it again.

Sorry for popping off.

Thank you

I told him that we aren't getting back together any time soon.

I think it's cruel and unfair on him (and the kids) to give him hope and for you to keep a toe in.

If you're through, be through. Don't keep him on the hook.

He’s going to have to start thinking about his next steps. He can’t stay with your mum forever. So be honest with him and tell him it’s done so he can figure out what’s next.

He presumably needs a guarantor to be able to rent a place if he’s got no prior history? I was not even aware it was a thing you needed to have rented a place to rent a place. Maybe it’s just a policy of that agency?

I remember having to pay the full six months up front once though.

But obviously there are ways around things. Otherwise people who leave long term marriages wouldn’t ever get homes would they? I think he’s probably having you on a little tbh.

Saying not getting better any time soon still gives him hope. You need to be more direct with him and allow him to move on