Can attraction come back?

[DoubleBubbleNails]

Married 10 years, together 14. One young child together with Autism. After a huge argument recently about how I feel I carry the burden of homelife, and acting as mum to my DH (literally had to otherwise stuff never got done). I've come to realise that yes I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him and I have no attraction to him anymore. He is a great dad, but He doesn't really cook (has maybe 2-3 times since our huge argument 6 weeks ago). He has started helping with the housework and sorting out the glossing which he said 2 years ago he would do (and refused to let me do it when I said I'd do it). But attraction is still gone. I have zero sex drive for him, but I know it's still there in me if I were to meet the right man (I wouldn't cheat, that's not what I'm saying).

I guess I'm just plodding along in what seems to others is a good life - good holidays 2-3 times a year (think Florida, cruises etc), lucky enough to afford a new car every 3 years, we live within our means to allow for a nice life, but I know this isn't a good enough reason to stay (or is it?). I'm so conflicted and confused right now that I just don't know what to do. DH thinks all is great in our marriage and won't hear of me discussing problems - says they are just my problems and that he's happy.

Just need some help and advice please :(

Tell him you'll file for divorce unless he comes with you to marriage counselling. See if that gets his attention.

DH thinks all is great in our marriage and won't hear of me discussing problems - says they are just my problems and that he's happy.

He's taking no accountability, and won't even meet you half way, which is going to grind you down over time.

It sounds like you've lost respect for him underneath the loss of attraction, which is going to be a big job to get back. If he pulled it round and really listened to what you were saying and believed you and "got it" can you see yourself feeling differently, or do you think it's been going on for too long and that ship has sailed?

Look we can't give definitive advice. We can just offer perspectives.

The stage of life you are at is notoriously tough. And you have some questions that you need to consider.

You do obviously need to communicate with your husband. You should ideally work as a team. Maybe each with your own strengths but in a way that complements each other.

I think in your shoes then I would be wanting to ensure that the pair of you had a joint life plan. That is a shared view of how you want to live your life for the next 20 years and how you will achieve that together.

If you can develop that "strategy" then perhaps you can gain a lot of mutual satisfaction and happiness in working towards it. So I do think repair is possible provided you have each others backs in this.

Of course if one of you has no interest in this then it does not sound like the status quo is viable.

The short answer is i don't know, i guess to find that out you would first need to understand the difference between him and someone you are attracted to, is it physical attraction you're struggling with or his personality traits / behaviours? If it's a physical thing it's a tricky one as no one should change who they are to please someone else but if you said for example, your beard just doesn't turn me on and he didn't have one when you met him, he could shave it off...you get the gist, very difficult subject.

Maybe try and figure out what it is about him that doesn't excite you, or flip it and work out what he would have to do/change for him to excite you again...good luck!

I think attraction can come back, but it would take a radical overhaul of your husband’s mindset. But … he doesn’t sound as though he’s capable of that.

I think for attraction to be at its strongest, your partner needs to put you at the centre of his world, and you need to feel that he does.

Since you have this highly entwined life and children, I would suggest very robust marriage counselling rather than either throwing in the towel or living with it.

If he won’t engage with that then you have your answer. Can you then live with it? Only you know the answer to that, but I would think your feelings of resentment and unhappiness will grow exponentially.

Could you skip one of the 3 yearly holidays and hire help for the household stuff if you feel it’s too much to cope with.
Personally I think it’s inevitable that attraction comes and goes in a long term relationship. We can’t be mad about eachother all the time and life is complicated.
If on the whole you have a pretty good set up (and it sounds like you probably do) and aren’t too unhappy, try to work on things rather than walk away. The grass isn’t always green.

I feel terrible writing all of my original post down. I'm also of the mindset that I would worry about him IF we did separate which I know is odd, but it does show I care. I just want my husband to notice me more, compliment me rather than always (and I mean always) goes to squeeze my chest - there's more to me than that lol.

I know I'm not perfect - I probably have issues too that my husband hates, but he doesn't tell me so I don't know.

The set up is good, but there are things I want changed. For example - Our child is starting nursery full time soon and it's me who is having to change my WFH/Office days to make sure one of us is home for the drop off/pick up - he won't change his days as it suits him, but I need to change mine - no compromise of "I'll switch one day and you switch the other".

As soon as he gets up in the morning, he's doom scrolling on his phone so I'm either running about trying to get myself and our child ready, or he leaves it to the last minute and makes us late.

Another annoying thing is he can't let me have one hobby to myself - I took up golf to spend time with my dad who golfs twice a week - we've never bonded over a shared hobby so now I have this, I can spend time with my dad whilst he still has his health, doing something we enjoy. DH has suddenly taken it up too - I get private lessons - he moaned about me paying for that, he moaned at me for going to the Driving Range, but last time I went, he rocked up with a brand new set of clubs that he just went and bought, but when I bought my clubs he was saying it could be a waste of money...

This is who he is and he’s not going to change. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You have one child already, you do not need a man child in the shape of him?. Why do you feel so responsible for him?. Of course he’s happy because you’re doing all the work and carrying the load while he otherwise swans about. He does not want that to change. He’s not this bloody incompetent at his job like he is at home undermining you because if he was he’d be out on his ear. Weaponised incompetence is a thing and I am wondering if your h is doing this.

In answer to your original question, no - I don't think attraction can come back.

Once you've become stuck in that friendship/brother/sister/housemate situation it generally stays that way.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you can settle for that for the rest of your life? Or do you want more?

You can have all of the luxuries in the world but they aren't worth anything in comparison to an amazing spontaneous connection between two people. 💐