How to cope with mother in law favouring my sister in law's children

[Willsoo]

Mother in law favouring her daughter's children. Please can I have some advice on how to manage this situation with my MIL. I have 3 chn now, including a baby girl who is 4 months old. My SIL has 2 chn and works full time. I have always had an up/down relationship with my MIL. I used to live down south where my husband is from and when I had one child my MIL was a great help, at times very involved and too much but I was very grateful for her help. She minded my children 2-3 days a week when I went back to work. When my SIL's children first born arrived, it all changed. She started to see us less and less, appeared to visit her new grand son a lot more than my children. It was upsetting but I had an idea it would happen as my SIL is very reliant on her parents for support and close to her mum. Nevertheless, I would often call her MIL my 'southern mum' as she replaced the family I had up north.

A few years ago we decided to move up north, mostly due to financial reasons and wanting a bigger house. This didn't go down well with my MIL. I knew she was unhappy about it. My family were up north but definitely haven't paid as much attention to the chn as I would of liked. We try and visit down south as much as possible and stay with my in laws. Sadly my chn rarely get quality time with their grand parents because my SIL/s chn are always there. My SIL has gone back to work full time and has the chn 4-5 days a week, which is obviously a lot. I understand the relationship is going to be different now we live 250 miles away but we never hear from my MIL anymore, rarely get a message asking how we are, lack of check ins with my new baby- it really hurts. Whenever she does visit, she talks about her other gran-children all the time and it winds me up so much. She takes my SIL's chn to see Father Christmas, offers more child care, minds them when her daughter is off work and capable of having them. I now don't talk to my SIL due to all this and has caused lots of problems. How can I get over my chn feeling second best?? It's so hard visiting and staying with them when her children are always there. Many thanks x

What does your husband think? Or does he leave all the family relationship load to you?

You aren’t being unreasonable, but you may have to be a bit more realistic.

Your SIL is your MIL’s actual daughter - she is naturally going to have a strong desire to help her. This isn’t some kind of crazy favouritism.

Secondly, if you move a long way away from people then your relationship with them will become more distant. Again, it might be healthier to interpret her actions not as a crazy snub, but prioritising the people who live close by because they are simply much more available to engage with.

In an ideal world, your MIL might try to compensate for these two tendencies, but we are all only human and she may still feel sad that you’ve moved away after she gave you so much help in the early days. For now perhaps you should lower your expectations a little and focus on why your own parents haven’t leaned in since you moved closer to them.

You are on a hiding to nothing l am afraid @Willsoo. You just have to accept it and move on while keeping an even ship to your DC . Whatever you do or say will be wrong so rant about it in forums like this one to get it out of your system. It's been this way since time immemorial l am afraid and nothing is going to change l am very sorry to say .

You live near your family and feel they don't pay as much attention to your children as you would like ... but instead of posting about them what is bothering you is your m'n'law, who you moved 250 miles away from, does not in your opinion pay as much attention to your kids as you would like ... do you see what I am getting at?

Can I take a stab that you have felt jealous towards someone in your own family in the past and you are projecting onto your hubby's family as it has triggered a nerve? Or your relationship with your mum is not what you would like it to be so you are subconscuously hoping m'n'law would fulfil that role? I mean you actually say you feel second best to another women's relationship with her own daughter. I read your post as your m'n'law helped you for a few years and then when her daughter had kids started helping her ie she has shared her time between the two of you.

And your kids spending time with their cousins is actually more important then spending time with a grandparent - its these cousins who will hopefully then stay in their lives for the rest of their lives. So I would see the cousins there as a bonus ... and yet for you all roads lead back to your hurt with your m'n'law. Work out why you feel that way and I suspect you have your answer on how to reframe this situation in your mind to better deal with your hurt.

Same situation many years ago. I backed away and stopped trying to change things. We saw ils 2 hours a week. They practically raised sil's dc..
As adults only 1 of our 3 see their dgps..
Who talk to ds about stuff which is actually what they did with sil's ds not my ds...
Stay in a hotel/Airbnb and let dh manage the relationships..

what has your husband been doing since he left home to make sure he still had a relationship with his mother? The same effort as his sister?

This.

more extreme though- turns out il’s paid for their dd’s children to go to private school. Never even told us, they maintained the facade that they were pensioners on a low income. Nope, all went to sil and her kids.

I knew they did everything for her practically, and I did find them weirdly enmeshed. I always thought it was because I married dh after he broke up with a much loved very long term partner that they all still saw a lot of, invited her to family gatherings over me etc.

Dh was heartbroken as they always told him they treated their children and grandchildren equally.

it’s a bitch o/p, but nothing you can do.

I think you’re being unreasonable honestly. You don’t talk to SIL (you sound like a drama llama frankly), so have created awkwardness yourself

I think yabu to not talk to your SIL anymore because of this although I know how hurtful it can be but really all you're doing is making the relationship between you and your IL's strained which will in turn distance them even more from your family.
Difficult but you just need to suck it up and make the best of it.

I think you just have to accept that it's often the case that grandparents are sometimes closer to their daughter's children.

You can call her your 'Southern mum' but you need to remember that she isn't.

You live many miles away. When you lived closer she provided you with free childcare. Now that you live much further away, she looks after SIL's children. Why you aren't speaking to your SIL because of it I don't know?

Also surely this is for your DH to resolve? If he's happy with his mum looking after his sister's children more, then that's fine?

OP’s husband is the MIL’s actual son!

But OP's husband isn't that bothered and presumably hasn't stopped speaking to his sister.
OP's husband was also part of the move that saw them moving 250 miles away from their source of childcare to be closer to the part of the family that pays them little to no attention.

My dh wasn't bothered..he didn't bothered with our dc either!I tried to have words with ils about things. Made it worse tbh..