How do I address my partner's hidden gambling and dishonesty?

[Pickley9675]

I think my partner has a gambling addiction.

He plays games on betting sites multiple times a day. I’ve asked him many times if he spends money on these and he says no, just plays the free ones. He gets annoyed if I mention it now as he says he’s already told me.

Of course, I went snooping. On one site he’s deposited £180 in the last month. Another he’s deposited £60. He regularly uses multiple other sites too.

We live together but don’t share any finances, it’s my property and everything is in my name. He sends me money each month, he earns 70k per year so in theory should have a decent amount of disposable income. In the past he had a debt repayment plan and paid this off last year - he said this was from when he got divorced and had to pay his ex and for his rental house. I found a bank statement from that time where he was gambling £100’s per day and taking out payday loans.

How do I address this with him? I feel bad for snooping but he’s being dishonest. I would support him but I’m not sure how to go about this without him thinking I’m being controlling

Support him? How? To be a gambler? He’s not repentant and doesn’t want to change.

Honestly? You won't get anywhere. I would just call it a day.

I would recommend breaking up. Gambling is a hell of an addiction to break. And he sounds like he is in denial.

I don’t think beating around the bush will help here. Just tell him what you’ve found. Explain that you are concerned and ask him to talk to you. Ultimately he may not be ready to quit and you will need to decide whether to walk away. Some people gamble and don’t have an escalating addiction but if he’s been taking out payday loans it doesn’t sound under control.

ETA there are now self exclusion services he can opt into if he wants to quit.

Been there, done that. Never again.

It won't get any better. You need to kick him out.

There’s no point in trying to address it OP, he will not change. Take it from one with experience of this, he is lying to you, he’s trying to stop you from discussing it, and he will continue to lie. He has a history of gambling and running up debts to fund his habit. You are in a fortunate position that the property is yours. Do not allow him to get into the position of being able to make any sort of claim on it. If you continue in the relationship he will without any doubt drag you down with him and destroy your life. Make sure he hasn’t taken out any loans in your name, and check your credit score. For your own sake, end it.

Gambling is his OW.

Split.

You're not his primary relationship, that would be gambling

You can't address it. He needs to but probably won't.

No experience on this, I have to say, but can you just have an open conversation about it?

It's very easy to put 2+2 together to equal 5 sometimes.

Discuss it with him x

You end the relationship. He's lying to you.

Honey, this is not the situation to worry about appearing controlling.

You address this by divorcing him and getting the hell away from him before the bay lifts start knocking down your door.

Very simple and straightforward.

You leave.

End of story.

Anything else would be madness.

There's nothing to address. He's an addict in total denial. Don't waste your time. Ask him to leave. He's dishonest and he puts gambling ahead of your relationship. This will never change.

And I said my precious response from the perspective of someone who has been a bookie and seen it ruin lives. You cannot even get him to be honest with you so there’s really nothing you can do. He doesn’t want to change and you can’t fix that.

Maybe he will seek help one day.

But never underestimate the lengths gamblers will go to to get their fix. You’d be wise to get out of the relationship tootsweet.

I suppose you could argue that you could have one chat with him now and tell him what you know. But the thing is, even if he comes clean now and claims to want help, how can you trust that moving forward considering on multiple occlusions he’s lied and the truth had to be dragged out of him.

Plus, gamblers have to choose to quit by themselves. If you present it as an ultimatum, chances are he will fall off the wagon at some point and claim you pushed him on it in the first place because actually he’s “fine and never had a problem.”

Break up with him. There is no other sensible option other than this.

His gambling is also a factor, if not the main one, for his previous relationship ending. And t ASD liking to him about his gambling will be a waste of time because he will lie to your face.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works.

This @Pickley9675.
Don't waste your energy. Exdh gambled and when he ran out of money and I realised he had this secret life he stopped. Only then I saw him walk out of the bookies as I was driving down the road. Obviously it wasn't what I thought it was....
Glad you have your own house etc. it is what you think it is and it will be worse than you think.💐

His gambling addiction wrecked his previous relationship but that wasn't enough for him to stop. So he definitely won't stop just because you talk to him about it.

And he's lied to you on multiple occasions.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I can't be with someone I can't trust.

He lied when you asked him outright and then got annoyed with you when you checked again. You don’t trust him so you snooped on him. It’s not the basis of a solid relationship.
if you want to give him another chance you could tell him you know and give him an ultimatum but if he continues to gamble you have two choices, live with it or leave.

“How do I address my partner's hidden gambling and dishonesty?”

You kick him out. You’ve just discovered he’s lied about his previous debt, and he hasn’t learnt his lesson. I’m guessing he never mentioned gambling as a reason for his previous relationship to fail, and totally blamed the divorce for why he was short of money.

A good way of looking at it.

I think you should research gambling addiction and the effects of it on families/loved ones before you do anything else.

He's unlikely to see it as a problem as he's coping financially. So I'm not sure where the conversation will go if he doesn't see it as an addiction or issue.

I'd look at your own finances carefully and ensure you're not subsidising his habit. You also need to keep an eye on your credit score in case he starts doing dodgy things like starting debt in your name if his habit worsens.

It would also stop any plans dead of ever sharing finances or marriage. I'd also be reconsidering the relationship as a whole.

How do you address it? Dump him, I’m afraid. He’s a liar and has an addiction.

'We live together but don’t share any finances, it’s my property and everything is in my name. '

Thank Christ, that's the only good sentence in this shitshow. Chuck him and live a life free of one of the most difficult addictions.

You evict him.