I feel so ugly and unattractive

[Habesha91]

Me and my husband have been married for almost two years now. He's great and there are a lot of stuff I love about him except for one. He has a habit of looking at other attractive women when we are out and about. This has happened a lot of times almost every time some attractive woman passes by. I have already raised my concerns to him explaining how I don't like this especially when he's with me as I find it disrespectful. To which he said it's normal for men to do this and it's their natural character.

We also had few arguments in the past after I mentioned it which he ended up saying I'm jealous etc and that he should cover his eyes when we go out.

Things got heated couple of days ago when the same thing happened when we were in the car. He was driving and across the road there was an attractive woman walking he turned his head to look at her which of course I noticed. I tried to ignore it and not say anything. For reference, I've decided not to say anything for the last couple of months or so because I knew he wouldn't change and I just had to deal with it.

So the next day, a conversation happened between us where we were talking about men and women, then somehow it went to men being hunters etc. he said something that triggered me and of course I accidentally confronted him about the lady on the road. One thing led to another, I got really upset and told him that his actions are disrespectful. He apologized and said he will try not to do it in front of me meaning he will still do it when I'm not around. He said he's just curious and wants to look and see things including women but doesn't mean any harm. It's not like he's going to ask them out or fancy them. He also said he's curious to see how every woman is different to another in terms of physical features etc.

I didn't know what to think of that and nothing made sense to me as Im still hurt by this. I'm also 31 weeks pregnant and already feel emotional and my feelings are all over the place. I feel ugly and over weight, we are not intimate anymore since pregnancy as he said he's worried about hurting me or the baby. He also said once his sex drive is low.

When I look myself in the mirror, I see a different person who looks runs down and tired. I don't feel sexy or beautiful at all. A part of me regrets the pregnancy even though its planned. I just didn't know the whole journey would have such an impact in my life and my physical appearance and make me so emotional. The fact that my husband does this doesn't help either.

Whenever I see beautiful women online or in real life, I just feel bad and compare myself to them. Mostly can't help but think that my husband would look at them if he sees them. I shouldn't be stressing about this during pregnancy and should focus on me and baby but I can't help feel so crap.

Any advise on what I should is very much appreciated x

You are beautiful. You are carrying a child. It's very hard but beautiful is not based on exterior looks. Sadly he needs to be more sensitive to your needs. Take care

@Habesha91 it's tough when you think your dh is ogling other women.
It's worse when your dh doesn't care about your feelings.
He's not curious about the differences in looks he just likes staring at their boobs and bums.
Men are initially attracted to looks and that will never change, it's why nature makes us age so that men will procreate with fertile women.
However your dh has the ability, if not the self awareness, to reign it in.

What you need is body confidence, difficult perhaps atm, but it will help so stop looking at your body negatively and think of all it's amazing qualities.

He's being crass and thoughtless, isn't he?

I’m not surprised you feel like you do, he’s worn your confidence down being a sleaze, no men don’t all do this, at least not right in front of you. What you do about it is up to you but I think eventually when your child is older and and you feel more independent, you won’t need or want someone like him.

His ‘curiosity’ doesn’t give him any right to leer at strangers or to be disrespectful to his pregnant wife.

Do you know what you are having?
if you have a girl would he be happy for strange men to be checking her out? Or her boyfriend to treat her badly?

Did he only start this shit after you married him?

Is it natural for men to notice an attractive woman? Yes.
Is it acceptable for a man to ogle at women to the extent that they actually turn their head and follow the woman as she walked past?
No
And if that man is in a relationship with another woman, it’s not only inappropriate. It’s disgusting and disrespectful to both women.

I think he's been like this before we got married, I haven't asked tbh

Did you notice him looking at other women while you were dating ?

Yuck. I would not like this either.
I think it's fairly normal to notice aesthetically pleasing people.
But it's gross to leer and ogle in an obvious way. As for checking out their physical differences... vom. And in your presence, his pregnant wife, another layer of disrespect.

I know my husband notices when someone is good looking, particularly women. But you'd never guess because he doesn't stare like that. I only know because sometimes I'll say something like wow Steve's new girlfriend is gorgeous and he'll agree, so has noticed and registered but without having his eyes out on stalks.

I don't know what to suggest. He won't change ...

An ex partner used to do this. It was a deliberate attempt to make me jealous, which I assume gave him an ego boost. It escalated from obvious oogling to comments and even inappropriate comparison with my own mother.

This is not a you problem, do not let it affect your self confidence OP, it's a power play. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Not sure but I haven't noticed that much. It's becoming more obvious now

There’s a difference between a man noticing a good looking women to ogling at them. He’s probably making them feel uncomfortable as well if he’s being obvious! Start doing it with men see how he likes it.

He is being disrespectful to you and the women he's objectifying. The exchanges you've reported make him sound quite misogynistic, and it is deep rooted, so doubt it will change. This will make you feel 'less than' because whether he is doing it consciously or not, it is designed to make you (and every woman) feel 'less than' and reduced to their physical features/looks.

He sounds like a sleaze.

First thing's first, beauty comes from within, you may not like the changes that pregnancy has on your body but it's 9 months, after that if you still feel that way you can work on it, but don't do it to please anyone else, only do it for yourself.

Some men do look at other women in the same way some women look at other men, it doesn't mean they don't find you attractive or they are looking to run off with someone else, i would agree that it's disrespectful though to be so blatant about it. I've seen my wife glance and i'm sure at times she may have seen me glance but neither of us read to much into it. I'm sure if we decided to take it further and start a conversation with someone we'd glanced at that would be very different.

Not really much but it's gone worse now. I feel like it has to do with me as well because I stopped looking after myself as in dressing up etc

How would he feel if you were "appreciating" another good looking guy? Did not not notice before you married him?

Any man who says it's normal for men to so obviously eye up other women and it's their natural character to do so is a grade A cock.

Yes, it's normal for men and women to admire a good looking stranger (I certainly do and I'd be surprised if my DH didn't), but what isn't advisable or polite is to let your partner catch you doing it.

He is being extremely disrespectful and I'd be complaining as well OP, especially because of the 'I can't help it I'm a man' sort of way he's attempting to justify it.

Sounds like a control thing. He's doing it on purpose to make you feel insecure. You can appreciate someone's looks without making it obvious.

OP - I hope it is the pregnancy hormones making you notice things more, and also have OTT reactions. You are carrying a child - and the last thing you need to worry about is other beautiful women and your H seeing them.

They exist and will continue existing. Also - as you will be getting older - there will be still young and beautiful women around. So - you need to find a way to not compare yourself to other women. And that has nothing to do with your H.

On a separate note - he is being an immature idiot. Any sane grown up man knows it's pointless arguing with women on this subject. Yes - men would notice beautiful women (and vice versa). But most know to not make it obvious. Especially if it already led to arguments.

Noticing other attractive people is natural. We all do - and it is harmless. We are not just a collection of biological instincts - so we don't chase every attractive person. So - OP - do remind yourself that your H married you. You both chose each other - knowing full well that there are other, more beautiful people out there.

But as I said - hopefully your hormones will calm down. And soon you'll be busy with a baby, and not have time to worry about your child of a husband.
And, also, hopefully - he'll grow up.

I don't recall but for sure it has gone worse after we got married

Im 50/50 on this. I think he should make an effort to disguise looking at other women when he is with you (because we all look, but I agree blatant ogling when you’re around is disrespectful).

But also, kindly, I think you have some self esteem issues right now which may be inflating things a little.

Agree with this!

And apart from the objectification, his behaviour displays appallingly bad manners and is highly insensitive to his pregnant wife!

It’s pretty basic stuff tbh to know that it’s not ok to eye up other women, particularly when you are out and about with your wife!

To keep on defending it and make you feel bad for raising it, is even worse behaviour imho! You should be able to speak to him about this reasonably Op and it’s a red flag imho that he tried to prevent you from doing so and it caused an argument when you raised it again. He is avoiding accountability.

I'm so sorry op.
He is immature and entitled. Which is a big problem for you if you don't want a lifetime of putting up with his behaviours, placating and always being less than.
Would he be open to therapy? I fear not.
Unfortunately the very essence of this entitlement he won't see anything wrong with his behaviour only yours. Often that then spans your entire life.You will never be put first or your child. It will be him everytime.

It might feel smaller scale right now something you could overlook but without intention on his part these behaviours only escalate they don't change.