Parasocial relationship

[Iridessia]

I (39f) and DH (39m) have been together 18 years and have a DC (10f). We met while online gaming. DH has always been a gamer and that will never stop, i am more like a part time gamer and play games only when i can be bothered. Over the weekend i found out that DH has become very emotionally attached to a certain female youtuber who streams herself playing games, some of which are my DH favourite games. He has also became attached to her online community via discord.
I didnt mind until i realised that he was blurring the lines between talking about games to being more personal.
He would say stuff like the youtuber were "his ray of sunshine", "kindred spirit", "how she has that special something that makes anything entertaining" and things like how " at the end of his hard day at work her streams were what made his day".
It didnt just stop at addressing this youtuber...he wrote stuff into her online community channel on discord...like "she and her community are the only reason he can get out of bed in the morning to go to work", there was even an AI poster of the youtuber as a jedi with a droid on her back and he commented that the "protagonist was gorgeous and the side kick jedi was not bad either" just things that to me crossed boundries.
So after i saw these i seriously consisered leaving him but he said i was overreacting as he hadnt cheated, I told him to me it felt like an emotional affair. When challeneged about the stuff written he said that some stuff crossed the line and that he was just lonely for the friendship of gamers and he enjoyed her community and i was taking stuff out of context.
Guess what im looking for in a vent/rant and to see if im over reacting

It's very different as it's interacting with other people and clearly forming personal relationships with them, talking to them for hours every night. That's not the same as watch a TV Show at all

So, bluntly, what's in it for you?

In a way yes thats the issue, i dont mind him talkin game stuff to mutal minded people...but to go personal

No its fine, the thing is we do, do things as a family and he never complains once...the issue is when lets when we aettle for the night around 8pm and go to bed at say 11pm he likes to game for a few hours

@Iridessia - personally I don't think the issue us that he crossed boundaries. What he said about the gaming community being something that keeps him going /bringing joy / making him get up in the morning - is really talking about his deeply rooted addiction to gaming.
But it is not a new thing - you met and built a relationship as gamers back in the day. And in a lot of ways - it is unfair to now be surprised that he is the way he is.
There is an old adage - men marry women hoping they won't change, while women marry men hoping to change them into better men. And this is exactly what we have here. You married a gamer, and he is behaving as one. While you expect him to behave as a regular grown up non-gamer.

So - I agree with him that he has not done anything - has in has not crossed boundaries. But - at the same time - after nearly 20 years together since being young adults - you are clearly different people. And it's completely normal to question whether you work well together now as actual grown ups. Seems that the answer is not obvious.

Counselling?

I know this isn’t helpful but do you really want to be with someone who is so addicted to gaming, and that’s not including his ridiculous contact with this woman?

Personally I would find it a nightmare. To me there’s nothing constructive about gaming. People isolate themselves away from their families, but I suppose you could say that about certain other hobbies.

The OP is a gamer as well.

Ask him how he will feel in 6+ years if his daughter gets a YouTube channel and men are crawling over her as she tries to do her job?

I would imagine he’s just incorporated this YouTuber, along with the feeling of community/ friendship into his reliance on gaming to get even bigger dopamine hits out of it.
He uses it to withdraw from reality and has spent so much time doing it that he has had to make it more complex and involved to give him a greater feeling of satisfaction and to make it less lonely.
Is he ND?

Buy surely even people who are addicted need to make sure they dont step over boundries. I dont ca that he is a gamer i dont mind that he talks to the community...but what i do mind is when he makes it more personal. As his wife i should b able to trust him not to say things like that to other people

Tell him you are taking up rock climbing and if he doesn"t join in him and his gaming screen are out.

I mean yes he does play alot but i wouldnt say constent. He works, hangs out with his family...its just he gos on a few hours at night. I was a gamer that os how we met but as we have got older my interest in it has come to few and far between his is now down to a few hours at night

I think you might be onto something here. As when asked he said he just wanted friendship and loved the community nothing romantic, when asked further about why write some of those things his reply was...its just the way some of us talk to each other.
He is not ND but suffered from Social anxiety in his teenage years

I think a situation such as this, has the potential to completely kill desire. And if desire is absent, it can be very impactful on the dynamics of a marriage.

I do think it’s really worth reflecting and processing further. I’m not surprised it’s caused you to look at him differently. I wish you happiness and health in relationship - whoever you’re in it with.

Hi op I think the main issue is he’s making out that he has nothing in his life except her and gaming. That’s what stood out to me. If you went online saying to a man oh if it wasn’t for you I could not get through my day it’s disrespectful if anything it’s not fantasy if he says she’s getting him going is it. It’s a bit weird as well tbf.

On the one hand he has a crush and that’s ok and normal as long as he doesn’t act upon it. Loads of men and women go onto sm and praise celebs they have crushes on and this doesn’t sound much different - it would give me a huge ick /cringe but it’s just pick me platitudes. The problem happens when she does pick him - when she’s communicating personally and privately with him and he continues. That merges into emotional affair territory for him (even if she’s just doing it for cash/in game tokens etc) - this is the boundary that needs addressed.

i guess im curious to know would you feel the same if it was a male gamer he was praising and trying to communicate with. Is the problem
the behaviour or that it’s directed towards a woman?

It’s really hard to walk away from a community that is welcoming especially in fantasy games but it is also unhealthy when he has a wife and child who ought to be a priority before the online gaming and that’s the real problem here (at this stage). You need to speak to him away from the house - a cafe/restaurant/walk etc about this unhealthy behaviour and the effect it’s having on you, your relationship and your child. You need to be honest, not about changing him but about him putting in the same effort with
his real family that he does his gaming one.

Personally this would really weird me out, replace the streamer with OF and I’d be looking at it as cheating, really.

ask him if he speaks to male gamers that way? Then tell him to pick a male gamer to follow for community and friendship…
and ask him if there really isn’t anything in his life that gets him out of bed? How does he feel about your family?

How is he going to parent a teenager when he's gaming all evening?

I think there’s a big difference between gaming and wanting to chat online with other gamers (which is normal and fine) and flirting with them and trying to get their attention with comments on their appearance.

I’m not a gamer but have a lot of like-minded ‘friends’ online who I enjoy chatting with about various things, but I’m not telling them how hot they are or that they are the only thing I get up for in the morning because that would be bloody weird. You partner could easily chat with loads of people about gaming without fixating on one attractive female one and going on about attractive he finds her.

Also, I bet the poor girl’s cringing every time he does it.

But he didn't step over boundaries. There was no flirting, nothing sexual.
What you describe is him expressing his addition - saying how being part of this alternative reality makes him feel (--- good). It's classic.
You feel hurt because you want him to get his happiness / get his dopamine from family and interactions with you in real life. But he is a gamer - and he gets more of it from the game and the community around it.
As I said before - this is not a new news.

What do you actually do together as a family either your child though?? Anything?? What did you do together last weekend?