Should I be concerned by my ex-husband’s old forum post about regrets?

[TheGutsyDeer]

So for a little context. 7 months ago I hit my limit after feeling entirely neglected in my marriage of 7 years, together for 15 years.
It was a combination of many things and pretty typical of today's marriages. He was not abusive, nobody cheated, on paper we looked happy.
Reality was, I was emotionally exhausted from carrying the family emotionally, mentally, financially and all the rest. I felt more PA than wife and mother. There were a couple of final catalysts that made me finally say enough was enough and asked him to leave. This part was relatively straightforward as the family home was in my name and I had paid the majority for it.
The decision was but wrenching and heartbreaking all the same. We kept are son at the centre of it, protecting him as much as we could.
We are now staring out on the divorce pathway which has led me to start really looking at finances. This led me to looking on a few internet forums in knew he was on, and his username. I was looking for some context so something I had suspected for a while a low and behold found he was an avid collector of watches. In our 15 years he never mentioned any sort of love of watches but apparently has quite a valuable set of them. This gives some assets his side to make it much harder for him to claim the small amount I have in the house.

However I also found something I didn't expect, and that was him giving relationship advice to someone. This post was about 11 years in our relationship (3 years of marriage and we had our son). In the post he tells someone to give it a go with a friend and then laments about his own regrets. I have put his post below. But really my question is, am I right to be annoyed and concerned about this particular statement. It's making me question if there were a lot more issues in my marriage than I even realised.

His post:
"Worst case, you have fun and it doesn't work but then you know. Then you can laugh about it one day and maybe even try again.

Better than not knowing... Believe me if you don't try you'll regret it years down the line, I know I do.

Source: happily married 32yo but always wonder, what if we did try it? Now we're both married with kids and it'll NEVER happen..."

Why would you be annoyed? Your marriage is over now, and you ended it. Pointless being annoyed at him for something he said years ago when it’s all over now.

Also isn’t it a bit shitty trying to dig deep to avoid giving him anything from the house after 7 years of marriage? He presumably needs housing as much as you do, and your son needs both homes to be suitable for him. If you are having to search the internet to find a secret watch collection as his assets then it doesn’t sound like he has much already.

It's fair take on things.
For the record though I didn't actually end the marriage. I asked for a trial seperation and attended couples counselling to try and resolve things. He actually asked for the divorce
I think for me it's the difference in financial priorities.
He was earning more than me but never saved towards our mortgage.
Meanwhile he got new cars, a motorbike, tailored suits for work. When it came to buying the house I couldn't put him on the mortgage because his credit score was so low it reduced the amount I could actually burrow.
The amount of money in the house is absolutely tiny and I don't have the cash to give him half (honestly I would if I could because it would be easier). I am trapped now in a home I don't like that much with the threat of losing half the equity
My priority is protecting what I have invested for me and my son. I am the only one in a position to house him stably right now. The watch collection is worth thousands, he can always sell them to sort out his own end.

The post about his life regrets whilst in the thick of his "happy marriage" has just tipped me over an emotional edge. Its been a hard couple of months

Honestly? He clearly has an old female friend who he may have had a chance to be romantic with, but they didn’t act on it and then both got married and had kids. He was lamenting the “what if” they had tried and at worst, they’d have had a fling and a laugh.

You’ll never know if the “never happen now” was because they were both then married so it was off the table or because he knew she was happily married and wouldn’t give him a thought. Let’s assume the first.

While really not nice to read, him wondering if he should have tried something with a female friend years ago isn’t a huge deal to dwell on. Imagine if he read one of your private posts - he’d probably assume you regretted the entire marriage? Try to think how he’d feel.

You’re going through an emotional time but this isn’t really something to focus on. He may have regrets about not trying something with a friend but she could have said no, or ended up in the position you’re in now.
But you should expect him to play the field as soon as he’s able to. These type of men always do.
Focus your energy on staying well and getting through this. You’ll have to declare your assets and now you know more about his, hopefully the settlement for you both with be fair.

DP and I have been in a happy relationship for 20 years, we have 18yo DD. My life is good and I wouldn't change it for anything (well, I'm about to get made redundant, so I'd change that bit, but other than that.

And yet...

During my teens and early 20s, I was close friends with a girl, who I was also absolutely head over heels in love with. She was never interested though, so friends was all it ever was. Except for one night when we were 21. She'd just been dumped by her boyfriend, and we were in her flat getting a bit pissed and trying to distract her from her breakup. It got to about 2am and rather than go home, I said I'd kip on the sofa. She told me not to be daft, I could join her in bed. So I did, and we cuddled, and ended up spooning. And then she started rubbing her bum up against my crotch and it became very clear to me that we were in uncharted territory. So I said Goodnight, and rolled over and went to sleep.

I don't exactly "regret" that decision. It was the right thing to do, she was drunk and vulnerable, and if we'd had sex that night, then maybe we'd have ended up together for a while, and I'd have missed my chance to meet DP a few years later.

And yet every couple of years or so I still wonder about that alternate universe where I'd taken my shot, and wonder where it led. And yes, sometimes when I'm having a bit of "alone time", I play that night back a bit differently.

Does any of that mean I'm not absolutely besotted with DP? No, of course not, it just means that I'm human and an absolute mess on contradictions, just like every other human on the planet. I can wish I'd slept with someone else, while equally not wanting my life to in any way different to it is now.

There could be many reasons why he chose to give that advice, it's a pretty standard statement 'If you don't try, you'll regret it' it doesn't mean he was having or thinking about having an affair or anything else, in fact the bit where he states 'now we're married with kids it will NEVER happen' suggests he was to a certain degree loyal in his thinking, what i would take from it though is it probably gives you an insight into his mindset, he clearly wasn't happy and you weren't either so i wouldn't dwell on it, move on and do the best you can, given time it won't feel so painful and you'll be able to move on and hopefully be happy again.

Honestly, in your shoes, I would see it as confirmation that I was making the right decision in ending the marriage and that you never really knew him. There is no need to do anything about it. But I would be taking those watches into account when considering your joint assets. From what you have said it seems fair that you keep the house, especially if you are the primary parent. You not going after his watches is the compromise.

In my totally non scientific, purely anecdotal (MN, friends, family) experience, the kind of marriages that end after what you've described almost ALWAYS have a lot more going on that was hidden and/or unacknowledged. And one of the challenges subsequently is that box opening and all these things tumbling out that you simply hadn't noticed or thought about before.

So discovering this about your H is one of those things that was in the box. And sadly, I would expect you to find a bunch more. From finding out things he said/did to you just looking at certain events through a different lens.

Ouch. I'm not surprised you're dismayed, OP. I like @VimesandhisCardboardBoots's post and I have a couple of memories from my 20s that I occasionally return to in my private fantasies (both were men I had huge crushes on which were somewhat reciprocated but we could never get our acts together). But what your STBXH wrote tends to suggest the "what if?/if only" thoughts were still burning quite strongly for him. Once he was settled and happy with you, any regrets should have fallen away, which is what @Vimes describes. It's what I feel. Even if I can still feel the odd flutter about a significant old crush, I am very happy with the choices that led me to DH; there are no regrets and I love him very much. As a PP said, this probably just serves to confirm that it is right for you to part ways.

Nothing to contribute other than PLEASE keep any evidence of his watch collection for the divorce. It’s amazing how grabby these men become when they mentally checkout and see you as a meal ticket.