Do you think any relationships survive big "Reversals of Fortune"?

[Vulcanvolcano]

I've seen two big unconnected examples of this lately. It got me to wondering whether any kind of relationship is capable of surviving big changes because maybe they all only work on the basis of an existing give and take platform.

One was two female life long school friends - their dynamic was that one friend (call her Vicki) was the pretty daughter of a v. wealthy family and the other (lets call her Betty) was academic but not wealthy or pretty. I always had a sense that Vicki regarded herself as superior to Betty and indeed everyone. Recently, Betty has been promoted to a very high paying job, super successful and looks fantastic in the way that celebrities do when they have time and money to spend on themselves. Vicki works in a low paid arts job, her wealthy family no longer support her, married a man who is also low paid and she has put on a lot of weight. The last few times I've seen them together their friendships seems very strained because the whole basis of their relationship has changed and Vicki seemed to resent it.

Another was two sisters, the one was a high flyer went to Oxford, won loads of prizes always 'the clever one' very stylish designer clothes, gave up work to care for a parent who was dying. The other sister was always more not quite black sheep but seen poorly in comparison as would most people to be fair. The other one has suddenly had a load of fantastic things happen to her- TV job with a little bit of fame, talk of a book deal. This relationship seems very strained too.

You hear about this sort of thing in romantic relationships as well where a woman suddenly starts going to the gym, gets fit and toned, starts looking great and the slobby husband doesn't like it or the attention she gets and starts to be nasty.

Is the truth of it that people mostly surround themselves with people who make them feel good and if suddenly one life takes a big down turn while someone else be that a partner, sister or friend suddenly takes a big up turn that the relationship will crack long term?

Can friendships and family relationships survive big mirror changes in success and status?

Are you writing an article?

IME real, solid friendships will survive this. Superficial friendships (where people surround themselves with others to make themselves feel good) will not.
I have 3 separate friends from childhood (not a friendship group) who I love with all my heart and would still celebrate their successes if I were a broken, impoverished mess (in the same way that I would celebrate my DCs’ successes). I do, however, have other friends who I would just feel resentful or jealous of.

@Thingsthatgo I suppose that was my point really that all friendships and relationships have a basis of operation with a two way benefit whatever that is. Even long standing friendships operate in a particular way.

You may say you would still celebrate your friends success if you were a broken impoverished mess but say those states were permanent? They are wanting to go to more expensive places you can't afford, they get tired of going to cheap cafes or always going round to yours to save money. You get embarrassed about always being the charity case that they pay for. It becomes two-way awkward over time.

The more I think about it I think that sudden big status changes (one up/one down) that are permanent tend to cause a strain and fracture. I suppose its why friends come and go out of lives because things change and the changes can affect the friendship. Sometimes this practical - move away or the only thing in common was the kids and convenience of a play date mate and then the kids grow up - but sometimes it is status/wealth/looks/success related.

People grow apart for all sorts of reasons. This sort of change in dynamic would be particularly likely to compound those reasons if it highlighted asymmetry e.g. if the previously wealthy one had been noticeably generous or noticeably miserly, and upon reversal of fortunes the newly wealthy one had been particularly miserly or the previously wealthy one expected to be paid for.

You measure success in very superficial ways - money and looks and fame

I have lost my looks due to awful medication side effects and I don't feel remotely sad about my life. You'd be wasting energy to pity me. I have epic children, a job I love (and would do for free) and a great husband oh and a lovely group of friends and fulfilling hobbies. I don't want to be famous so I certainly wouldn't envy a sibling who was ! People might assume I would I guess but I can't think of anything more awful than being in the public eye

I think you've misunderstood I'm not saying that I measure "success" in these ways at all @CassandraWebb . just that in the two instances I've seen recently that I wrote in my opening post that big shifts in the baseline dynamic of the relationship have altered it in a negative way.

These are examples I've seen but it could be anything. Two women may be happily married, good friends and socialise together as couples with their DHs in a group of others. One gets divorced and whilst the first friend is supportive for a while, over time the invitations fade because the baseline dynamic was we are both happily married and our social life was in groups of couples now you are divorced so there is a shift that doesn't fit in our social circle any more. A SAHM going back to work. A working mum becoming a SAHM. Exactly what it is doesn't matter as it's about what each 'perceives' about the other.

I was just thinking from what I'd seen with these two that it seems that when a relationship is working on a set basis that a big change in "status" (using that word in a very broad sense) causes problems.

Interesting thread and examples!!

With the sisters, wouldn’t it be more that one is making sacrifices to help the (presumably mutual) parent while the other gets to live freely and soar be more likely to cause resentment??

Ha, I was the more academic child but now my younger brother probably out-earns me but it’s good that we aren’t stuck in our teen roles now we are in our 50s.